Still having revenge fansties, the angry get so intense that I could throw a car or break stuff or punch someone in the face.
Everyday I still thinki about my friend that left me, she did not message me back when my aunt die ( this is going sound foolish, but please don’t say you better off without or she not you true friend, it add salt to the wound). Before she said that I was one her best and close friend. She told a lot of her personal stuff, encouraged to skateboard more , believe in my skate ability, she I’m not a incel And she want things to get better for me. But I don’t if was a lie or can’t stop thinking of her.
It to point were, I want to mental abuse her, call her the worst names, ruin her relationship with her boyfriend. Make up lies about her and just cancel her. It reason I don’t go to some skate park or go back on Instagram. But I don’t trust myself to do the right and let her go. I want her make feel like shit, make regret leaving me and make her feel like awful human being. I know I can say things to her make her feel like shit. And cause drama to her life.
I don’t reality from fiction, had a lot guys friend, bandmates and other people in my past that pretent to ge my friend and use me. My paranoid cloud my judgement and my anger is trying to protect me from ever being hurt.
However, my anger is leading down a dark path, when once I cross there no going back. I could destroy the memory I had my close friend and regret it. Because when I’m this state of mind, I immediately regret my action and words. To the point I lost a close friend because of it.
Overall, it not breakup that the problem. It my ( anger) shadow that cause me so pain , resentment and blind rage to point it hard to control it
( Again sorry that I’m sound like foolish that being blind by lust. But please don’t say that she use me, or she wasn’t a true friend. It put more into a dark place and make me want to hurt her more.)
I don’t know how to advise you regarding your feelings, at least not in a way that you haven’t heard before. I think it may do a bit of good to distill the entire experience to the most essential elements, kinda like this:
You met a girl who was nice to you, encouraged you, and tried to help you become more confident.
You liked her a lot, and your feelings for her escalated from affection to obsession.
This scared her and she tried to back away.
You are still in pain because you wish things were different, and the two of you could remain close.
Blind rage means you’re in crisis, and need to let your therapist what’s going on with you. I don’t know if you’re on medication, but your current state of mind is hurting your body, thought process and spirit, therefore, it may be in your best interest to discuss adding or changing something in the way of meds.
Right now, the critical issue is protecting yourself from your own anger. That’s what’s hurting you the most.
This is such a wise insight. Like, I think I have a pretty good understanding of emotions on paper, and I never thought this about my breakups. Thank you for this. I think it can be helpful to anyone, but I know it’s helpful for me.
I think Wings said it best here. You’re still hurt, and that’s okay. But, I know that you are well aware that ‘hurting’ her in these ways you mentioned wouldn’t help— because you haven’t done any of them. It takes a lot of strength to keep your anger at bay, and a LOT of practice to curb it from hurting you further. I appreciate you going to see a counselor to help you through these hard times, along with coming here to talk to us about everything.
Have you been talking to your therapist more about these increasing thoughts of causing harm to her relationships? What have you guys been going over lately?
Unfortunately, only time will tell if she will return. I have a feeling she still wants to be friends with you, but you both are clashing to the point every interaction is a negative one. She knows her boundaries, and she hasn’t completely cut your guys’ tie yet. My advice is to look deep down with yourself and start writing out your own boundaries. I’m sorry you’ve had several other bad experiences with people too, but I do think at this point you should look into writing down what you will and won’t put up with.
She made you feel good about yourself and made you feel loved. Her “love” wasn’t a romantic love, it was a friendship love. No matter how her relationship was with her boyfriend, it wouldn’t have been appropriate for her to continue being close friends. It would have definitely sent you the wrong message and led you on and that would have been worse for you and wrong for her to do. She didn’t use you at all.
You have BPD and OCD and both of those disorders will cause you to obsess over this and the influence from your friends telling you bad things about her just made it worse.
Radical acceptance and opposite action are the DBT skills you need right now.
metalskater, I just want to say that we see how much you’ve grown and how you’re using those skills to channel this anger into the posts. I hope you can also see this and take a moment to feel proud of yourself for that.
I know it hasn’t been an easy journey for you. Sometimes when I feel like I just want to rage, I grab a pen and paper and scribble! Sometimes it shreds up the paper but it feels like it clears away the fuzzy thoughts before I can start to write the good thoughts out, or the more clear thoughts at least. You’ve got some good support with your therapist and family, so keep talking through it when you need to!
Metalskater, I know that you are feeling like you are still stuck in an anger cycle. What I’m noticing in your post this time is that you are talking about a whole lot more self awareness and understanding of not only what you are feeling but why. I’m see positive changes in how you are actually working through this. I’m hoping that you being able to come here and talk about how you are feeling is helping. I know this is a hard process to work through and we’re here to listen and walk with you my friend.
I can see the progress you’ve made. You are now able to know that these are feelings and thoughts you have, and you’re making a CHOICE to not do anything ot hurt her.
You are are even aware of the things we could say that would increase your anger towards her.
Please keep writing here, every single day if you need too, multiple times even! This is a safe space here for you, to vent those feelings safely, without judgment.
Would it help if you started a daily journal where you wrote one good thing that happened to you? And one good thing you like about yourself? I wish I could tell you all the ways i’ve seen you progress, but i really want you to be able to see it for yourself! It’s hard, and it will take time. Keep on trying, friend. It will be worth it to control those thoughts and feelings and not act on them!
Hi there, I can feel the pain in your post. It is a long hard road to recover from a loss, be it a close friend or a relationship. But you have come such a long way already! I know you can probably not recognise it because you are overwhelmed by pain and emotions in general. But if you look back on posts from a few months ago, you are much more aware of your feelings, you are more collected and reflective. That is huge progress, you can be proud of yourself! It is a horrible feeling to be hurt by somebody else, and sometimes our instinct wants us to hurt that person back, so they can feel the same pain they caused us. But honestly, afterwards you probably won’t feel much better. Revenge usually doesn’t give us closure and peace of mind. It just might leave us empty and numb. But we hear you, and are here for you if you need to vent. Have you thought about writing a journal and writing down your feelings every day? That way you can see your progress clearer and see how far you have come. We believe in you!