I been trying to better my self since leaving my job but I still seem to get panicked constantly even from doing just dishes no matter how small the pile I worry and get worked up that I won’t have them done in time even tho I have all day to do them and they are one of my few daily chores along with taking care with the animals I do some work on some work sheets I got but I keep hitting stoppages cuz I can’t seem to get through to my brain to make these changes like i wish I could just sit down with my consciousness in my brain and talk with it rather then it feeling like there’s two different drivers at the wheel one that wants to get better the other that I don’t even know what I want it’s like this black darkness when I try to peer inside but it never seems to want to give answers and there for it makes trying to explain my situation to therapists hard and makes me really frustrated with my self and I end up rambling like this
Hey @Derpplup,
As much as it’s frustrating to feel like we can’t put words on our experiences, know that it’s okay to “ramble” as much as needed. Learning to name how we feel and what’s going on in our mind can be a real process in itself made of so many steps. At first, words can seem to be mixed up, confused as well, but the more you practice talking/writing, the more it will be easier for you to describe your inner experience. On this matter, journaling for example can be extremely helpful. It doesn’t even have to be about extending paragraphs with eloquent sentences. It can be really just a few words to emphasize how you feel at the moment. Ultimately, what matters is the consistency of it. And what you are going through right now, it might be interesting for you to do some check-ins with yourself on a daily basis. Just to take a couple of minutes, sit down and ask yourself: how do I feel right now? Where do I feel it in my body? How would I describe this feeling? You seem to have a way with metaphors and visualization. Trying to literally visualize your emotions and their characteristics could help too.
You’ve been going through a rough time lately with a lot of pressure on your shoulders. It makes sense that your anxiety is giving you a hard time right now. Not only regarding your job status, but also a little bit with everything in your life right now. It’s AWESOME though that you keep trying to better yourself, as you said. Don’t give up, friend. Keep trying, little by little. But also, know that it’s okay to be patient with yourself too. Anxiety is about patterns of thoughts and physical sensations that we have learned over time. It takes time to unlearn these, or at the very least to learn to live sit with it. It’s okay to give yourself grace thgouh all of it.
Do you think maybe it could be interesting to talk about it with a doctor? I’m not encouraging you one way or another - this is your life and your decisions. I just know that, for some people, medicine can also give a relief in terms of anxiety, so they can empower themselves a little more and feel more able to work on their struggles. Like a needed crutch when things feel out of our control.
As a personal recommendation and regarding the things you’ve mentioned in your post, I’d like to encourage you to check on the book “The Wisdom of Anxiety” by Sheryl Paul. I’ve been reading it lately, and it’s been quite an interesting and loving approach regarding anxiety. There’s also plenty of practices in the book to learn to approach your anxiety, to cope and identify the needs that are behind it. Overall, it’s a good tool in my opinion, as someone who’s also often stuck because of an overwhelming anxiety and a constant pile of self-doubts.
Take it easy, friend. Keep talking to your therapist. Keep reaching uut. Keep writing. Make sure not only to focus on the goals you want to achieve, but also to really take breaks. You deserve it. 
It’s been a roller coaster of a time lately and I am on some medication but it all just kinda keeps me level when I’m not in panic mode constantly but ever since work I have been in panic mode pretty often it also dosent help I keep forgetting to take it regularly cuz I don’t go anywhere and stay home most days so I’m usually in a “manageable” state even if that state is still pretty rough
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