Sick of living tired of it my self I sat in 40 degree weather in the car trying to to relax and smoke all I did was talk to God breaking down asking why was he was keeping me herewhy didn’t he kill me or let me die why suffer so much for nothing he knows I don’t want to be here wishing I died all those years back in the hospital as a kid I was ready makes me sick inside every time I wake up the only hope that I won’t I broke down hard sick to my stomach got congested and cough so hard I puked only to scream out in pain from my bruised guts ripping at the seams I don’t care about anything any more thered nothing to live for all I wanted to do was work to pay bills and now I’m stopped from doing that it all makes me sick I tried looking up ways and all it did was point me to the suicide hotline which is useless or telling me things will get better when they never do I kept screaming what’s the point how many damn years do i have to do this hell all I wanted to is die be done with it be in heaven and not have to deal with life or people anymore but I guess that’s just too fucking much to ask for there’s no help no hope the only hope I had was I had cancer and it would be over soon but I guess it’s too much to ask or even god doesn’t give a fuck there’s no hope or what ever I define as it there nothing but pain suffering and an life that has no quality mynluck heaven would suck too stuck with relatives incident want to see when I was alive sure as hell don’t want to deal with them dead for fucking eternity there no answers so I’m forced to keep going and it makes me sick inside it’s like being stuck in that movie that makes me relive the day over and over but only gets worse nothing good nothing positive just nothing qll I feel now is pain or numb from it all
Hi friend,
I can really feel your hurt through your words. Of course, I will say that suicide is not the answer to struggle. Your struggles do not define you, nor do they determine the direction of your life. The pain, depression, and questions that break you down are keeping you from seeing the beauty that is already within you and around you. You are a treasure. Your life is a treasure. I’m not sure what you experienced in the hospital as a kid, but whatever it was, God would not have gotten you through that time in your life only to bring you just to this point in time to feel broken. What I’m saying is, God has helped you through one battle already, and He is surely not going to stop now. God does not intend for any of us to hurt, that is where Jesus comes in. I know you have probably heard this all before, and if it sounds mundane and routine, I completely understand. However, our suffering here, NOW, is only meant to be temporary. I’m not saying that solely based on the concept of our lives being temporary in the concept of eternity, but that through the power of Jesus we can be released from the suffering EVERYDAY if we chose to. Despite your hurt, despite your struggles, you have the choice of giving them over to Jesus and laying them to rest with him. I think the screaming, the crying out that you are doing is you manifesting your struggles and crying out to God, and trust me, He hears you. Every time you scream out or break down, let it be the release of that pain to God.
You are a treasure friend, and I will pray that God intercedes with your pain at just the right moment so that you know just how much he loves you!