Today I start the road to end my suffering while learning to live my life

Trigger warning: Rape, Sexual Assault, Injury, Hospitalizations, Murder, Suicide.
I’ve had a pretty unlucky upbringing given the situations. My depression has lead me to be really bad with my general person hygiene and I cant eat some days. I look like garbage and I am hardly sleeping.
Physically I could write out a whole essay on the stupid shit I’ve had happen that is just flat out bad luck. Emotionally I could write a whole book on my struggles (I’ve thought about it) and that wouldn’t cover everything. I have never intentionally put myself in danger and this is wild, I’ve been hit by a car twice, I’ve broken almost all of my fingers and toes, I’ve broken 1 rib, I’ve broken my left forearm and elbow, I’ve split my fingers open to the point of needing skin glue, I’ve ended up hospitalized twice due to physical issues. Somehow I’m lucky enough to be alive and pretty much in one piece, even though I have some pretty awful arthritis. Emotionally I’ve been to the emergency room 3 times, i’ve been in a partial hospitalization 3 times, I’ve been on meds for over 8 years, I’ve been in therapy for 9. I’ve been sexually abused, sexually assaulted, and raped dozens of times over the course of many months. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Type II, and in all likelihood I have a few underlying other emotional disorders. If there was a reason for me to stay it would be the fact i’ve lived through all of that.
I’ve lost 3 friends to suicide in the last year because I was not there for them and I couldn’t save them. Their death is now on my hands and living with that burden is painful. However I deserve it. It’s my fault they’re gone.
I’m on a discord server with my boyfriend and his girlfriend (we’re in sort of a three way relationship.) and I get a message from his gf (this is within the last week)saying I should try to get in contact with my boyfriend, (for the sake of anonymity lets call him Al.) Al. Al is pre-op trans, female to male and is rather attractive. Al’s roommate made an attempt to rape him and I got the message while he was forcefully stripping my boyfriend and needless to say I got in contact really really really quick… He backed off but only after I said “if you dont back away from my boyfriend and never talk to him again I will go to your house and I will fucking kill you and they will never find your fucking body. If you talk to him, touch him, and even interact in any way I will fucking kill you. Get the fuck out of there you piece of shit.”. From my boyfriends perspective he was forcefully stripping him and his phone went berserk with notifications. He went pale and then gave a head nod and left… If I was there I don’t think I would’ve held back which is a terrifying thought to think. I would’ve killed someones son, nephew, grandson, friend. Even if he is a piece of shit he’s still human.
After my own sexual abuse and trauma I’ve been struggling to be level headed about people like that. It’s caused me lots of pain, suffering, and many missed opportunities.
With the suffering of all of this I really hate myself. It’s caused me an unimaginable amount of pain. I need to work on ending my suffering, it will never be perfect.
I’m in pretty desperate need of advice because I am pretty close to breaking because of how far back I’ve bent.
How can I take care of myself physically?
How can I start to learn to cope with these feelings?
How can I start to learn to cope with these experiences?
Any other further advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks guys.

Hey! DANG! sounds like a definitely jam packed eventful life! If I can say anything that may help is… well, I see you said you “Emotionally I could write a whole book on my struggles (I’ve thought about it)” Do it!! DO IT!! DOOOO ITTTT!
I have learned in my life that writing things out is so therapeutic. It may not fix the problems but it will definitely will help you understand how your life has went.
Love you, rooting for you and praying for you!!

1 Like

Hi there friend.
I appreciate you opening up. I know it must be super hard, but I think your courage is awesome!
I found personally, that my life changed when i opened up to God. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Did things get better right away? Nope, even now everythings not perfect but I’m better off than i was before. Seeking good, spiritual direction, really helped me and continues to.
Heart support has some really good free resources with advice too. Hope this helps and I’ll be praying for you friend.
Hold fast.

1 Like

It’s a good first step to have opened up. It allows people to help you. You’ve received some heartfelt support and advice already.
We don’t have the answers, but we have suggestions. For example, Write, draw, compose. These things will help you cope with these feelings and experiences.
Much love. Hold fast.

Make a schedule. Do it. If you don’t do it, but remember then do it then (Don’t beat yourself up over it). Make it a habit, by doing it. (I know what I’m talking about because I was there myself.)

Accept them. Don’t reject them. Admit you have them. The best way to start is to say it out loud (I am angry because of… I am depressed because of). Talk your feelings out with someone you trust like a close friend, lover or a therapist). Realize that your feelings are a part of you, but not all of you. It is your reaction/reply/response to life/situation/circumstance/people/world.

Don’t blame & Don’t box. Don’t blame yourself or others. Don’t categorize or label what happened to you, how you acted/reacted to it or think you’re alone in this. Others relate/understand/empathize. Take your experience and share them with those accordingly that may think that they’re alone.

<3 you got this.

1 Like