Today was a bad day

[Lavendercrandberry]

Today was a very bad triggering day.

In one or more previous post(s) I decided to share some of my existence story…

Anyways today was bad and triggering because some of my foster mom’s family came over to visit her (I always do my best to stay upstairs). I’m introverted, have not a people person and people with active involved families are extremely triggering for me.

So they came and stayed for about 45 minutes. All I heard downstairs was the joy and love amongst themselves and that they had for one another. Then I heard the young grandchildren so full of life, optimism, laughter and hope.

It was extremely triggering because I grew up being abused, isolated, rejected, abandoned, in all kinds of ways without anyone wanting nor caring about me truly. I grew in the system being shuffled around from place to place…enduring too much.

I was a child without hopes, dreams, optimism, without laughter. I grew up with serious traumas, and self esteem issues. I grew up afraid, fearful, quiet, reserved, etc…I grew up always in survival mode…always wondering when my next meal was…wondering who was going to assault me next…wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be loved, cherished, and protected.

My foster mom’s 8 year old grandchild was very vocal and talkative going over the subjects in school she was studying, her love of school, her friends, her love for her family, the different languages studied, different meals she enjoyed, the places and happy experiences she’s had, etc…

It triggered my ptsd, and other anxieties…it made me really sad. At 5 I was suffering sexual abuse from an adult (teachers aid) inside of the school bathroom, rejected and made fun of by alot of children, rejected by teachers and staff for being sensitive (I cried silent tears often) being berated by them, and not being liked by the other children… home life was terrible. Age 6 had my first suicide attempt…7…was kidnapped…8 went into foster system…

Their whole lovely dynamics of family is always too much to bare. I’ll never have that. I’ll never be protected. I’ll never be secure. I’ll never be safe. I’ll never be comfortable. I’ll never be anything but traumas.

I was soo triggered that i didnt eat at all today and i couldn’t stop crying. I cried myself to sleep

[ThriceTheThird]

Hello again Lavendercrandberry

I hope that you’re next day can be a bit less stressful for you, and thank you for sharing your life experience with us. I truly believe sharing what we have been through can help greatly in trying to over come it. It definitely can be quite stressful having to relive all of the trauma and negativity from your past. For whatever reasons, or triggers that are causing it. I’m sorry that you are having a bad day dealing with these things. I think that, although I’m sure it is unavoidable re-living and re-thinking about some of these things, and you should not feel guilty about it at all. That you should try to ground yourself in the present as best as possible, trying to think of ways you can improve your current situation. I’m not an expert, nor can I pretend to know any of the answers for helping you to do these things. As we are all different, but I think if it is available to you in any way. That potentially seeking therapy of some kind could be beneficial. A professional who is trying to attend to/help you with your specific situation and feelings. It seems there is so much to un-pack and so much that you have been through, that it can be hard to find ways to get grounded and move towards positive thinking, and understandably so. You are not to blame for your past, or for your PTSD, but maybe there are ways to grow towards it effecting you a little less with the right support on your side. You are worth it, and you deserve to have more freedom from the things that are ailing you. <3

[Shan]

Hi Lavendercrandberry,

I am sorry for all that you have been through thus far. I do remember your story from previous posts. And what you have endured is not something any person should have to experience. It is all, also, very hard things to overcome and heal from. I understand how it can cause the feelings you are having today. I’m sorry that you have been so triggered. I know that it can be hard to not compare and be saddened when we start to think about the life we wish we had and what we have actually experienced.

I do hope that one day you will find everything that you want and deserve. That you will find protection, security, safety, comfortability, and that you can heal from the traumas that you have endured.

You are such a kind and caring person, and you are more than your traumatic experiences, even though it might not feel that way. I hope that tomorrow can be a better day

[Malig3]

Hey @Lavendercrandberry

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I am so glad you are here and using this space to get things off your chest. I think you may not see or realize how strong you are for enduring everything that has come your way. And even more than that, you are handling things with grace and listening to how you feel. Being so open and honest about your emotions is so important and a very amazing characteristic of yours.

I can relate to you in the sense with feeling like you can’t bear seeing a happy and loving family. I grew up with some family dysfunctions, and ever since I was little, seeing how my friends were with their families or how they would talk to them used to trigger me so much and bring my mood down completely. I envied others for something I didn’t have growing up. It wasn’t until I realized how much hate and negativity I was manifesting in my own life by letting myself feel this way that I decided to make a change.

Anytime I sense a feeling of being triggered, I write in my journal or I call someone that I know can calm me down. This is just what works for me, but give it a try and see. I also want to encourage you to seek professional advice on this situation. Seeing a therapist really helped me unravel my past, understand it, and come to terms with it. I really couldn’t recommend it more.

You deserve so much love and happiness, and with little steps, we can get you there! We cannot change the past or grasp things that are not meant for us, but we can control our future and how it pans out. I hope that you can see the potential you have for the future and positively talk this into existence.

Please continue to share with us, we are always here to support you. <3