Today I really just feel like crying. Not sure if it’s happy tears or sad tears, but I just feel it about to burst through. I feel like the world is giving me signs to tell me not to kill myself. Lately, suicide ideation has really been on my mind. I sound selfish I know, but god I had barely anything else. I’ve been falling into lethargy and I have no real goals or just anything to look forward to. I feel weak, and I don’t know what to do to aide it.
I actually have nothing. I get through school everyday wearing the same uniforms and going to the same classes. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays it’s volleyball practice and that’s always such a drag, I feel like my coach has a personal vendetta against me like he just really doesn’t like me. Weekends there’s nothing for me to do if I don’t make plans with friends or if I don’t have a tournament. If I have no plans and no way to keep me busy, I have nothing. I’m a very active girl and I just constantly need to be doing something, but at the same time I hate doing so much because it’s so tiring. I need to do something to keep my energy up, but I don’t have the energy to get me going. It just sucks. I feel like I’m in a pit, and I hate every part of it.
However today, I decided if I have a rough day at school I’m ending it all tonight. I’ve been feeling so terrible lately and I just can’t do anything, so in my mind I thought that it was the best idea for me. I still can’t help but feel guilty that I even thought that, was I even in my right mind at that time? But anyways, I went to school and it was okay but still a bit rough on me. As I got picked up I still had that thought and idea in mind for that night. But once I got in the car, my dad said we were going to my cousin’s house. It completely disrupted my plans and my train of thought. “We were really going to visit my baby cousins?” I said to myself, and as my dad kept driving we really did. My dad saved me from myself today.
I ended up spending the last two hours at playing with my baby cousins at their house and god… It made me realize what I would’ve been missing if I decided to end it all tonight. I have my younger cousins, not to mention a couple of close friends that are dear to my heart and my boyfriend. I really could’ve threw it all away. How could’ve I been so selfish? My mental state and what I’m struggling it isn’t beautiful, but what I’m around and what I should be experiencing is. Life is beautiful. Those thoughts will still come around again and I’m still in this depression of some sorts, it’s hard but I think I’m trying. I hope I am trying 
I didn’t think that I would come back here after my last post, like at all… But here I am again. Thank you for all the replies, I just read them all right now and I’m just so grateful. People are sweet and I’m glad that I’m seeing that right now 
And thank you for taking the time to read this and listen to my words. I must sound like a mess but I just really need to say it. Again, thank you so much and and a great rest of your day 
