Too much right now

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I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next couple months. My boyfriend had his surgery last week and his arm will be in a sling for up to 5 more weeks. He needs help with just about everything right now which I have no problem with and am happy to do.

But…

My body is failing me and my house if falling apart. My ability to cope with my anger about it isn’t working and I keep exploding over stupid things.

I needed to vacuum our living room earlier where he has been staying mostly (I want it to be clean and fresh feeling for him) and ended up having an episode because I was trying to plug in the cord and something was in the way. I couldn’t move it with my foot and I lost my shit. That thing is in pieces now in the trash and I think the neighbors (our renters) probably heard whatever flew out of my mouth because they are working on a car in their driveway. Prob not the first time to be honest.

As it was happening, I felt like I was hovering over myself watching. I was thinking, “Why? Why are you doing this? Why can’t you control yourself and stop?” I look over and see my boyfriend’s terrified expression on his face and I feel so ashamed and broken. He understands what is happening and he isn’t scared for himself, he is scared for me and what I could potentially do to myself (and in this case, the house) when I’m out of control.

So much is happening while this is going on. I’m having a hot flash and that right there on its own is very hard to cope with. All my senses are magnified by 10x and voices are screaming at me that I’m a piece of shit and I should just kill myself. And me watching all this feeling ashamed and frustrated.

It literally feels like a hurricane inside of my body getting bigger and stronger until I can’t contain it anymore, only I don’t recognize this and it just burst out uncontrolled and violently tosses everything into the air and slams it back to the ground into pieces.

Then, it just stops and I’m left standing there shaking and wondering why this lovely man wants me.

I love being able to help him and it makes me smile when he is all cozy in his recliner feeling good. It gives me purpose, but why do I have to also be a monster?

I haven’t learned how to fully control this yet and rage outbursts are not something I can just turn off right away. They just happen without warning; I don’t have a chance to choose how I react a lot of the times. I do catch it more now though and hopefully once I start seeing my talk therapist this will get better. For now, though, I hate this so much.

The physical demand on my body has been way extreme and today I’m really hurting. I don’t have a choice. He can’t even use the restroom by himself, how could I not help him? I try really hard to have a smile on my face, but he can see my pain and that worries me because what if he really needs something but won’t ask because he wants me to rest or feels bad about asking for help. I would feel horrible if I knew he was going without something or suffering just to protect me.

Then, there are the pain pills sitting on his TV stand next to his chair. I see myself letting an extra 1 or 2 fall out of the bottle for myself when I’m getting his dose ready for him. I hear my addict mind trying to justify it. It’s so hard to sit here in so much pain knowing that those pills are right there and will help relieve my physical pain. I’ve had so many opportunities to sneak them, but I haven’t. He needs them and I know that I won’t be able to stop at just 1 or 2. There is only one way this will go and that’s off a cliff. Max doses of Tylenol and Ibuprofen together a couple times a day is all I can do.

I’m starting to ramble on now, I’m sorry. I just wanted to rant/complain and get all that off my chest. I have asked my son for help and he is trying to find time to come help do some of the heavier house work like cleaning windows etc., but he only gets Sundays off.

I’d give anything to have a bathtub to soak in right now…

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There is so much going on, Mystrose! Reading this I totally understand that this is way too much.

It is absolutely brilliant that you stay away from the pain pills. That must take up already a fair amount of your energy, and yet you’re in physical pain. I applaud you, that’s such an amazing achievement. I’m really impressed, struggling a lot with abstaining.

I recently read “Parts Work” by Tom Holmes. Some paragraphs describe the exact same situation when one partner was cleaning and doing something for the other person. Even if they really wanted to do that for the other person, some negative tension built up because there was no appreciation of the effort. Also in this example, the person who was cleaning had an outburst because the inner child was triggered and wants to be seen. It came up immediately when I read your lines, maybe it resonates. That book is a lot about extreme parts and why they come up.

You’ve already started to become aware of when it happens as you wrote “I do catch it more now though”. That’s great and the first step. I think that’s a process that requires some patience. These automated behavioral patterns are hard to break. I experience this myself when I try to catch getting lost in my thoughts. Sometimes I wake up and realize how long I was gone ruminating.

I hope sharing your thoughts gave you some relief of all what you’re carrying with you! May your boyfriend get well soon! :hrtlegolove:

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Yet.
You’ve worked so hard on so many other aspects. I KNOW that you have done a lot of work this week to keep what you value and love here, to protect it.

And guess what, friend? Caregiving it HARDDDDD. It doesn’t matter how much you love the person, it is a mental strain, a physically demanding thing. The house can be messier than usual, no-one is gonna care if there are a few dishes in the sink, or the vacuum hasn’t been fun in a few days.

You work so hard on yourself, you educate me and us so much, you share so many lessons and victories. This is one of them. Thank you for sharing your emotions. I hope it gave you a tiny bit of relief.

Soak in the love and support I’m sending your way!

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I don’t know if it will help at all, but have you thought about taking time to do something you enjoy, or perhaps you both enjoy. Take a break away from having to assist him and doing housework and have a games and movie night. Order some take away.
Take a nice long bath and read. That sort of thing. (I just notes you saying you’d give anything to have a nice bath to soak in sorry!).
Even if it’s half an hour to go for a walk by yourself or an hour to sit and read or whatever you enjoy doing.
You’re taking on a LOT right now and I totally relate to how heavy care giving can be.
One thing I’ve had to learn is to stop and enjoy things for myself too.
When that damn vacuum is being an asshole, it’s time to go for a walk or light a candle and sit.
Even if it’s small breaks in between taking care of your partner.
I used to hate when people said to me “it’ll keep” In regards to house work. I have to clean everything I see, but the truth is, it really will keep. That cobweb in the corner can wait a moment.
You have to take care of yourself, because there’s only one of you.
Maybe there’s a schedule you and your partner can work around ( I know it might be hard in terms of needing the bathroom). At this time we will have breakfast and then I’m going to do some housework for an hour. Then I’m going to take a break, if you need the toilet let’s do it before my break.
Kind of thing.
Sorry if that isn’t helpful to hear right now. You’re not a monster, you’re just a single person who’s working a lot harder. Have some grace for yourself.

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Hi Mystrose :slightly_smiling_face:
You have had A LOT on your plate lately and that is for a FACT. I am afraid even yOgA wouldn’t help with this :no_mouth:… Sorry for that. I wish I could give you an all solving advice but… I can’t. I don’t have one. There are however a couple of things that I think are worth trying.

  1. Try to loosen the expectations. Something is a mess, well it can be. It wount kill anyone of it is for a while. You are currently doing a two person job by yourself basically so take it to an account. Don’t beat yourself too hard ok. :wink:

  2. Make priorities. Those are important. Some things have to be done today. Some have to be done sometime. Some should be done. Some are recommended to be done. Make a list of priorities and start with the top priority ones. If you don’t get to the lower tier ones… so what. It happens.

  3. Talk to your boyfriend. Talk about things that you both have on your mind but wount say. :slightly_smiling_face:

  4. Watch this clip :upside_down_face: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UVY78rYH1TI

I currently don’t have much more to offer but I hope this little bit helps. :heart:

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Thank you for your encouragement. I lost a lot to opiate addiction and usually all I have to do is remind myself of those times and it’s enough, but they are right there man. It’s a big struggle.

Thank you :rose: :hrtlegolove:

@ManekiNeko Thank you for your suggestions. I do what I can to distract myself from all this. I like to play games where I farm for resources like today I played Valheim. A game I love and haven’t played for a long time. EsRivs played it last night on the Heart Support stream, so I joined her. It got me wanting to play more. I have my quiet times, it’s not always go go go. I just don’t have long enough times in between these physical things to let myself heal. I need a whole day of resting.

When my house is messy and I can’t do anything about it, it’s distressing. I have to give that up and a lot of times I do. I just accept that today the dishes aren’t going to get done; I can do that. But, it’s embarrassing when someone comes over to visit and the house is a mess. It was pounded into my head when I was a child that your house needed to be immaculate for quests. I remember once when my son was about 5. I as cleaning my house (prob manic) and my son asked who was coming over. So lol, ya see? I got the kitchen cleaned two days ago and it made me feel good. Things are piling up again and it’s overwhelming because I can’t physically do it without pain.

:rofl: :joy: :rofl: :joy: I needed that, thank you. :rose:

Making priorities is kind of what I try to do. My mother taught me the importance of having a routine, especially when you suffer from depression. I have things that require daily attention that I’m making sure I do. I’m trying to do one actual house cleaning thing a day. Sometimes, it’s something very little and sometimes I do way more than I intended. There are days when nothing gets done al too, too.

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Kindred souls! My mum is the same and I had been the same. The funny thing is it never bothers me when I go to someone else’s house and they have laundry or dishes ect.
So I left it yesterday, and my friend came over and it didn’t bother them one bit.
I know what you mean about it getting overwhelming when it piles up, ahhh I’m sorry it’s been so stressful.
But you have been taking on a lot of extra tasks too, so you can’t be expected to do it all!
My friend has a cleaner come every now and again when she finds it gets too much for her, no shame in that either! Keeps people in business!
You’re a gem and the most important part of you is YOU! Your health and well being

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