Edit: I want to clarify that the person who shared their feelings about people not being disposable was not saying that directed at me or what is going on now. It was their own frustration from their own experiences. It was just a conversation that we had that effected me greatly since it was brought up between us. But it was a general conversation and not directed at anyone. I seem to have expressed that in a way that came across like they were faulting me. When it is actually me just taking that conversation to heart and fighting my own insecurities.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. To top it off I find myself really conflicted about knowing how to react and handle some things emotionally.
It took me a lot of years to realize how important it is to stop letting the things people say and do effect me so hard. I still struggle a lot of the time. Because when I care or love someone, I love and care very hard.
When someone does something hurtful I take it hard. When I do something hurtful I take it hard. Because I love so much, when I make hurtful mistakes I have a hard time not beating myself up. I want to love, not hurt people.
I’ve had a rough history of liars and hurtful people. I’m a fragile person. I always have been. My big heart and desire to love is a strength but can also be my weakness. I love hard but get hurt even harder. I try my best not to put energy into people that obviously are going to take advantage of it. Anymore, I’m very protective over my social circles.
But recently someone accidentally made me feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. Even if they are unhealthy. Due to a rant and conversation on their part about people not being disposable. Now I have this new paranoia that when I need to distance from unhealthy people, that IM the one being bad because I’m disposing someone. I start escalating into this thought process that even people who make mistakes are human and deserve love. I escalate into feeling like I’m disposing a life. I can’t even comfortably distance myself from people who feel unhealthy to me because I’m sitting here worrying about how I may be disregarding their worth and value as a person. It may sound stupid, but it’s a legitimate problem.
Because I love people so much. It feels like everything that I am comes into question when I need to distance from them.
I’ve been non stop in this really bad state of mental health lately because almost on a daily basis I’m face to face with lies and deceit. These new worries make it hard to cut the resource off. To make it worse, I keep hearing excuses as to why they might be a thing so I keep letting it happen out of compassion for a person. But it’s literally having a negative effect on my health. Even with distance and minimal contact, it’s still just constantly in my face. I feel like I can’t escape it.
Something I’m extremely sensitive to are lies. Everyone around me most of my upbringing and most of my marriage were liars. Family. Friends. Spouse. There was a point in my life that even I allowed myself to become a liar. I let the hurt around me turn me into someone I didn’t like. It’s how I coped. I never want to go back to that.
Liars are one of the things in my life that feels like a shock collar around my neck. Someone lies, I get mentally zapped and I want to immediately stop and retreat. Cut off. Disassociate. I love hard. But once someone lies, it’s a wound that doesn’t heal well and leaves scars. It messes with me.
I just want to love people. I want to help people understand they have value and worth. My entire being feels like it’s about loving people. But there are people out there who make it hard to love them and instead of feeling like it’s okay to distance from people that are unhealthy and repeatedly a problem, I sit here and worry I’m disregarding their worth. I feel like me needing to step back is saying they aren’t worth fighting for. When that’s not at all true. This stupid conversation from another person about “people are not disposable” has completely messed with my head that I can’t even function. I can’t do what I need to protect my own mental health because I may be hurting someone else where they need forgiveness.
You know, when is enough, enough? When can I safely cut someone off without feeling guilty or like I’m “disposing” them or disregarding their value as a person?
I’m literally going crazy and trapped in this cycle. What’s worse are the excuses I keep hearing for them. Nothing sucks more than feeling like the unhealthy source is being defended for their actions, and I’m sitting here guilting just for trying to protect my own well being. Why do I feel like I’m the one being hurtful in this situation?
Why is this so hard?