Trapped in a vicious cycle

[anon17277947]

Edit: I want to clarify that the person who shared their feelings about people not being disposable was not saying that directed at me or what is going on now. It was their own frustration from their own experiences. It was just a conversation that we had that effected me greatly since it was brought up between us. But it was a general conversation and not directed at anyone. I seem to have expressed that in a way that came across like they were faulting me. When it is actually me just taking that conversation to heart and fighting my own insecurities.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. To top it off I find myself really conflicted about knowing how to react and handle some things emotionally.

It took me a lot of years to realize how important it is to stop letting the things people say and do effect me so hard. I still struggle a lot of the time. Because when I care or love someone, I love and care very hard.

When someone does something hurtful I take it hard. When I do something hurtful I take it hard. Because I love so much, when I make hurtful mistakes I have a hard time not beating myself up. I want to love, not hurt people.

I’ve had a rough history of liars and hurtful people. I’m a fragile person. I always have been. My big heart and desire to love is a strength but can also be my weakness. I love hard but get hurt even harder. I try my best not to put energy into people that obviously are going to take advantage of it. Anymore, I’m very protective over my social circles.

But recently someone accidentally made me feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. Even if they are unhealthy. Due to a rant and conversation on their part about people not being disposable. Now I have this new paranoia that when I need to distance from unhealthy people, that IM the one being bad because I’m disposing someone. I start escalating into this thought process that even people who make mistakes are human and deserve love. I escalate into feeling like I’m disposing a life. I can’t even comfortably distance myself from people who feel unhealthy to me because I’m sitting here worrying about how I may be disregarding their worth and value as a person. It may sound stupid, but it’s a legitimate problem.

Because I love people so much. It feels like everything that I am comes into question when I need to distance from them.

I’ve been non stop in this really bad state of mental health lately because almost on a daily basis I’m face to face with lies and deceit. These new worries make it hard to cut the resource off. To make it worse, I keep hearing excuses as to why they might be a thing so I keep letting it happen out of compassion for a person. But it’s literally having a negative effect on my health. Even with distance and minimal contact, it’s still just constantly in my face. I feel like I can’t escape it.

Something I’m extremely sensitive to are lies. Everyone around me most of my upbringing and most of my marriage were liars. Family. Friends. Spouse. There was a point in my life that even I allowed myself to become a liar. I let the hurt around me turn me into someone I didn’t like. It’s how I coped. I never want to go back to that.

Liars are one of the things in my life that feels like a shock collar around my neck. Someone lies, I get mentally zapped and I want to immediately stop and retreat. Cut off. Disassociate. I love hard. But once someone lies, it’s a wound that doesn’t heal well and leaves scars. It messes with me.

I just want to love people. I want to help people understand they have value and worth. My entire being feels like it’s about loving people. But there are people out there who make it hard to love them and instead of feeling like it’s okay to distance from people that are unhealthy and repeatedly a problem, I sit here and worry I’m disregarding their worth. I feel like me needing to step back is saying they aren’t worth fighting for. When that’s not at all true. This stupid conversation from another person about “people are not disposable” has completely messed with my head that I can’t even function. I can’t do what I need to protect my own mental health because I may be hurting someone else where they need forgiveness.

You know, when is enough, enough? When can I safely cut someone off without feeling guilty or like I’m “disposing” them or disregarding their value as a person?

I’m literally going crazy and trapped in this cycle. What’s worse are the excuses I keep hearing for them. Nothing sucks more than feeling like the unhealthy source is being defended for their actions, and I’m sitting here guilting just for trying to protect my own well being. Why do I feel like I’m the one being hurtful in this situation?

Why is this so hard?

[Stafflower]

Hey Koyangi,
First off, I love you so much. Secondly, I think I get some of what you’re saying, but in a different way. For me, I constantly worry that I say the wrong thing when all I want to do is support and love people with all I have. But I’m human and make mistakes. With some of what you’re describing here, I see a few things that may help or at least may be topics for further conversation if you’d like. It sounds like you’re struggling to give yourself room to show yourself grace and take care of yourself. Between your own thoughts and those thoughts being reinforced by what I imagine is someone who doesn’t fully understand you, you’re ending up in this spiral of questioning your motives and actions. It’s okay to take time away from people bringing you hurt. It’s also okay to cut someone out of your life if they aren’t respecting your boundaries and bringing you continual negativity. Boundaries are healthy. I’ve had to push some family members back to protect my heart and mind from becoming jaded because they had me questioning who I was and what I believe. If you’d like, I can share more on that later. But I need you to know that I see you, you are such a light and the last thing I’d ever think of you if that you just dispose people. I see you encouraging people wherever and however you can. You are such a beautiful human with a huge heart. Please keep it safe. Love you, here for you. You are important. Hold fast.

[Micro]

@anon17277947

Sweet friend,

You have a giant heart, and it’s a wonderful quality that you have. For you, for those who have the chance to know you. It’s always a privilege for me to see you here and on streams, to read you as well.

My reply will probably be a bit messy. Sorry for that. I’ll just try to stick to your first message.

When someone does something hurtful I take it hard. When I do something hurtful I take it hard. Because I love so much, when I make hurtful mistakes I have a hard time not beating myself up. I want to love, not hurt people.

I’ve been wondering, by reading you, do you beat yourself up for… beating yourself up? Because when we’re frustrated by some of our reactions that we can’t really control, we can easily blame ourselves for reacting that way. I’m not saying that blaming yourself is okay, especially when it’s driven by an emotional reaction and not objective facts. But the reaction you describe is also 100% human. Every people who care about someone doesn’t want to hurt them or to be hurt by them. It’s absolutely natural to feel that way. Feeling guilty about something we did is normal. But it’s true to say that there’s a balance to find between feeling guilty and blaming yourself. Maybe a kind of line that doesn’t need to be crossed. Just because… you don’t need it. Especially when your self-confidence plays a role in this, as it’s quite often to blame ourselves even more.

I’ve had a rough history of liars and hurtful people. I’m a fragile person. I always have been. My big heart and desire to love is a strength but can also be my weakness. I love hard but get hurt even harder. I try my best not to put energy into people that obviously are going to take advantage of it. Anymore, I’m very protective over my social circles.

I remember a bit about what you shared concerning your relatives. And even without being a fragile person, you’ve been objectively through difficult situations that anyone would have been through with difficulty. Maybe you feel like you are fragile. But from my own perspective (obviously not the truth), you are sensitive and strong. Which I like to see as being quite different than being fragile. Your sensitivity is also your strength, you’re right. It’s also what allows you to share some love with the people you care about, to allow in your life people who respects and love you, and not only toxic people. As you said, there are two sides.

And also, if you take a step back from this… being aware of how you react generally, how you invest yourself in your relationships, is a strength. You also have a great sense of awareness. And it can become your shield in the times you may need it, in the moments when you might be hurt for some reason.

But recently someone accidentally made me feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. Even if they are unhealthy. Due to a rant and conversation on their part about people not being disposable. Now I have this new paranoia that when I need to distance from unhealthy people, that IM the one being bad because I’m disposing someone. I start escalating into this thought process that even people who make mistakes are human and deserve love. I escalate into feeling like I’m disposing a life. I can’t even comfortably distance myself from people who feel unhealthy to me because I’m sitting here worrying about how I may be disregarding their worth and value as a person. It may sound stupid, but it’s a legitimate problem.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You are the one who can take the decisions to protect yourself. And if you don’t build yourself this little armor, if you don’t take some distance from unhealthy people, how the situation would be? You know already that you would be drained, maybe treated poorly. And you don’t deserve that. You have the right to stand for yourself, despite what some people might say to you.

I’m also very protective to those I love. Even if I never received this love back from some of them. I’ve also been learning recently to say “no” and take time for myself without feeling guilty for that, or staying away from toxic people. But it’s hard. So, sometimes I try to remind myself that if you keep interacting with people who are actually toxic to you, you also put yourself in a situation when you might hurt them. Just because it would be unhealthy for everyone.

Of course, people who make mistakes deserve love too. But it doesn’t mean it has to come from you or right now if you don’t feel comfortable for that. Our intuition is, most of the time, quite a good adviser.

But it’s literally having a negative effect on my health. Even with distance and minimal contact, it’s still just constantly in my face. I feel like I can’t escape it.

This is a very important part. From a non-emotional perspective: it’s affecting your health. Then it’s absolutely legitimate to take some real distance. And even though it wasn’t affecting you, you still have the right to make some distance with someone.

Because I love people so much. It feels like everything that I am comes into question when I need to distance from them.

It is because you love them that you have the courage to acknowledge your need of distance. Sometimes being away from someone is also the result of love. For yourself and for them.

This makes me think about the place where I worked until last year. It was a non profit organization, and I remember some social workers there who were always trying to do too much because they thought they could save the world and everyone. But in the end they didn’t really help the people around them. It was quite the opposite. They were doing everything for them, didn’t allow them to really take decisions. And in the end those people who needed some help weren’t able to solve their problems, to improve their situation, to be responsible. But I’ve also met some workers who actually knew when to say to their colleagues “I can’t keep working with this person because they make me feel comfortable” or “their situation is too hard for me”. It’s okay to recognize that kind of thing. It’s also a mark of respect to stay “stop” to someone or to acknowledge your own limits. Just because we’re all different. And even if we all deserve to see that we are loved and cared for, and I agree with that wholeheartedly, you, as a unique individual, can’t be comfortable with absolutely everyone and all the time. Just because relationships are also meant to change. We are meant to change.

Liars are one of the things in my life that feels like a shock collar around my neck. Someone lies, I get mentally zapped and I want to immediately stop and retreat. Cut off. Disassociate. I love hard. But once someone lies, it’s a wound that doesn’t heal well and leaves scars. It messes with me.

That makes totally sense. You have your own story. Lies hurt. It’s hard enough to trust someone, and betrayal can be very destructive. I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time with this. And I hope you’ll keep meeting people who will help you to heal those scars.

This stupid conversation from another person about “people are not disposable” has completely messed with my head that I can’t even function.

Of course people are not disposable. That’s why you are not disposable either. This person said that only from one perspective, and not both ones. They were certainly not aware of what’s going on on your side, as you said it was accidental. Well… people tend to feel that need to judge and have an opinion about almost everything. But you still have the possibility to work on how it affects you. Of course not in a day. You’re already aware that something is wrong and not 100% legitimate in this reaction, as you posted this message. It is something already. And a huge something!

Also you are not disposing someone. You are taking care of yourself, which is quite different. They are already making their interpretation of the situation when they said that to you. To me, their perspective is like saying: “You talk to this person but not me right now, so you don’t like me.” To which you can reply: No. I’m just giving the time I have right now for this person, but it doesn’t mean I love or care about you less. It only means that I’m talking to them right now, and not you. As simple as it is.

I love you so much Koyangi. Take care of you. It’s okay. 100%.