Coming to the realization that my abuser never cared about me at all hurts. I don’t know why, but in some capacity, I saw him as a father figure. I keep justifying what he did to me by saying he was young, or maybe he was drunk, and that he cared about me but the truth is, I was nothing to him.
I was just a kid that his girlfriend had that he had to put up with. I was a toy for him, and I was an outlet for anger. He never cared about me. He never saw me as his child. Never. I was nothing to him. And no matter how much I hate him, that fact still hurts. It still hurts to know that everything he did to me wasn’t justified. That he just wanted to use me. He knew what he was doing, and he did it anyway.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do at this point. I don’t think my therapist knows much about trauma, because she keeps telling me to just “stop thinking about it” which, trust me, I’ve tried, it doesn’t work. All I really know how to do is blast Jack Stauber in my ears because his music really comforts me.
I feel unsafe in my own skin and there’s no way to get out of it.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this idea of how to respond to this trauma you have. So first off your therapist really doesnt seem to be providing you with tools that will help you. I personally have gone through years of trauma and am seeing a trauma specailized therapist because of needing that ability to process all the trauma. Something she has reminded me is that sometimes we have to break down our feelings and that can mean sitting and dealing with the issues first hand. Make it so that no matter what we do we may leave stuff open. Have you talk to your therapist about maybe making it so you are less left with an open spot but rather given a space for that part of you to go. I was taught the idea of picture where that part would be safer and place them there plan the details for me it was a huge field filled with horses gracing and me sitting in a bed of beautiful flowers laughing and horses just rubbing and sniffing me. This felt safe to me. Find what makes that part of you safe in those moments and focus on that. What happened to you isnt your fault someone else made that choice and you deserve to feel good enough to be loved and to be cared about. If you ever need support or a team of people that no matter what it is we are here. I know you have been apart of the community for awhile but just remember we are not just standing here we are here to help you come to a better standing with these thoughts. If you ever want too please reach out to me. I am on the discord, the twitch streams as Ashandis on both but just Ash on discord. I am the disabledmetalfan on here and would gladly love to support you and be a resource of another dealing with these issues.
Hey there TheRats! It’s good to see you back here, though I’m sorry it’s been rough. I’m also very sorry that you had to go through that, and I completely understand how difficult it must be to just stop thinking about it. You are so much more than just his girlfriend’s child. You are your own unique person and that’s beautiful. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you! I am proud of you for reaching out to a therapist about it. Have you tried bringing up how it makes you feel when she dismisses your feelings like that? Or, that failing, perhaps it would be more helpful to try and find a different therapist. There are a lot of them out there and it can be hard to find the one who works best for you, but it’s worth a shot! You deserve to be listened to fully and helped as best as is possible, and nothing less. Feel free to chat with us whenever you want! We’ll always be happy to help you out the best we can. You can overcome this! Stay strong and stay safe, this storm will end.