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Trying to cope with things in the bottle (trigger warning)

the past year i’ve been working on healing from a traumatic time in my life. For 3 years i was on and off with a guy who i thought liked me. He would act and he would pretend. But all i was to him was someone to hook up with when he couldn’t get laid elsewhere. I had strong feelings for him and he knew that. So he used it to his advantage to get what he wanted. and then when someone better came along he left me. only to come back when this better offered disappeared. i played this cycle for 3 years. It started one night when we were both drunk. it stopped before it got too far. all we did that night was make out and touch each other in places. but that’s all. then a few weeks later we were hanging out alone in his car. and i knew what we did was wrong because he still had a girlfriend away at college. so when we were hanging out just the 2 of us i didn’t think anything would happen. But then he brought it up. and kept trying to talk about it. i kept dodging the topic and ignoring it till he made a move on me. Sitting in his car at a beach. He leans over and tries to kiss me. I didn’t kiss him back. he asked me why. all i could get out was no. There were a million words in my head that i wanted to say. but all i could get out was no. he tried again. and i said no. He said why not. and again all i could say was “just no” and “cuz no” this happened 1 or 2 more times. and i eventually gave in because i didn’t see him stopping. and i felt it was easier to get it over with than to sit there and keep fighting. so i gave in. he got into the back seat and pushed my head down onto him. and then after that he pulled me on top of him and it happened. that was the first time.
i felt so horrible after that. he still had a girlfriend. He had a girlfriend for the first few months of this. She’s come home from school for a weekend and i wouldn’t hear from him. but the day she went back that night he was in my messages asking to “Chill”. there were nights he’d pick me up. she’d call him and he’d be on the phone with her while we’re both in his car together. After they had broken up i thought i had a chance. and i had wanted to do anything to show him. so i kept letting it happen. and after the first night it felt like my “No” was powerless anyways. so this went on for a while. finally he’d find someone and he wouldn’t talk to me unless we were in a group of friends. because we had mutual friends. but i wasn’t allowed to tell any of them. i at one point told my best friend in that group because i couldn’t keep it a secret. i was gaining more feelings the more we “hung out” at one point he started getting weird with me. He’d come over to hangout. and if i had people over he’d walk in and come over to me and hug me and kiss me on the forehead and tell everyone in the room “how beautiful of a women i was” i’d get occasional good morning messages. and just a lot like that. one night he asked me out and i thought he was playing with me so i said no. he’d try to use physical tactics to try and get me to spend the night at his place any time i’d visit with our friends. but then one night… we were at a friends drinking. and he was trying to flirt with this friend of ours who clearly wasn’t into him. and she told him she wasn’t. but he still kept trying with me right in front of him. so i eventually i went out side to calm down. One of our other friends came outside and checked on me. and then he came out, bottle of tequila in hand. and assumed i was upset and it had something to do with him.
he was right
but i couldn’t let him know that
He turned around and told me “we were just helping each other out. nothing more” so i snapped told him it wasn’t about him and he went away. Fast forward alittle more. to the last time we hooked up.
he came over to bring me to work
and he made a move
and i unfortunately let him have his way
he used the exact words
“i’m sorry to use you like this”
But there’s a memory specifically that was triggered today. that i can’t get the image out of my head. It was one of the nights i was at his place with our friends.
we had gone outside so he and our friends could smoke (i’m asthmatic so i don’t) and they forgot something in his room. so i was alone outside with him.
he came up to me started kissing me and slipped his hand in my shorts. and started doing things in there. He leaned in to whisper in my ear “you should stay here” i told him i couldn’t and he kept toying with me trying to get me to say yes… but our friends came out a few moments after this.
and this memory triggered a lot of thoughts today.
that wasn’t the first time he tried to get me to stay. What if i had stayed all those nights he wanted me to. How much worse off would i be?
but it also retriggered a lot of other upsetting feelings.
and
some days
it just feels like
i’ll never get past this.
i want to move forward
but i’m also afraid to get close to a guy like this again
because i’m afraid that’s all he’s going to want
and he’ll leave when he gets it.
being emotionally abused and physically and sexually used
it’s not something that is easy to get through
and i just don’t know what to do sometimes.

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I’m very sorry you had to go through that, that must have been a very traumatic experience but none of it was your fault. He took advantage of you, and knew what he could get away with. Your very brave for sharing your story and I applaud you for that. Give it time and you will move past it. I’ll pray for your healing. I hope you find someone that can keep you safe and protect you. Anytime your struggling, don’t hesitate to share your feelings, and we will do our best to help you along the way.

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@pastlifeexistence

I am so sorry that you’ve been through all of this, that you had to deal with such a manipulative and destructive person. It breaks my heart because I understand, in my core, how it feels to be sexually used by someone else. This feeling of powerlessness, that your voice doesn’t really matter, that you’re just meant to be used so it feels safer to give in. This shouldn’t happen to anyone.

You are right, the situations you describe in your post are traumatic. And, first off, I really want to take a moment here to underline the fact that you’ve been very brave by sharing all of this. It’s not easy to talk about abuses and traumas, to actually reach out and let go of potential feelings of shame and guilt. Thank you for sharing this. Sincerely. I deeply respect that. And I hope you can take the time to acknowledge the step that you just made by sharing your story. It’s a way to stand up for yourself, for your rights and regain some power here.

Your voice matters, friend. It mattered every time you said no, whether it was said out loud or just in your mind. This guy should have respected that. He should have respected you. No one has the right to act against your will. Your body was, and still is, entirely yours. Abusive situations can happen in an implicit way, a bit “between the lines”, but it doesn’t mean it’s less real. And again, it takes a lot of strength to be aware of this.

I see that you say “I let him have his way”, “I gave in”, “I kept letting it happen”.
None of this was your fault, friend. It’s not your fault. And it will never be your fault. This is about him and what he did. You didn’t ask for any of this. You didn’t let it happen. It was his fault and responsability. And he didn’t have the right to do any of this.

It takes time to process and heal. It’s a real journey. What you’ve been through will not condition your life or your capacity to feel safe, loved and fulfilled. You deserve to be heard, understood, respected. You deserve to see that you are loved and cared for, unconditionally. You’ll heal from your past, even if it doesn’t feel like this sometimes. You’ll learn to trust others again, progressively.

Having a safe place where you can let those things out of your chest when you need it is so important. I don’t know if you receive any kind of professional support right now, like therapy, but know that in any case, this community is indeed a safe place. We’re here to support you, anytime. Feel always free to share, without any pressure, whether it’s here or privately. We care about you. We want you to be safe and to regain some peace in your heart, but always at your own pace.

Take care, friend. You matter. And you are loved. :hrtlegolove:

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