I’ve been with my fiancée for two years, and every time I go to her place for a day or two, she’d do this thing when I want to leave to enjoy the rest of my day at home… The interactions always goes something like this (Using what happened last night as an example):
Me: “I should get home…”
Her: “noooOooo ”
Me: stays a couple more minutes
“I should get home… I’m feeling homesick…”
Her: “NoooOooo…”
this continues a couple more times in the span of almost an hour
Me: gives up and just goes to sleep
A friend said that this is a manipulation red flag, and I hate to say I think they’re right. She always does this when I try to leave. Last night, she even used my tiredness as an excuse for me not to leave, despite the fact I wasn’t even tired.
I love her, but I feel like I’m trapped whenever I go to her place and am only allowed to go home when she goes to work at 6am, or if I have work that day.
I’ve already split things off 2-3 times and have come back to her every time because they were issues that we could easily talk through, but I have stated multiple times last night that I was wanting to leave and told her what she has replied with every time I try to go home, and she just replied with “you’d do the same if it was me, right?”, so idk if this is something that we can just talk through because I’ve tried pointing out the issue and she’d just go around it… I don’t wanna split things off again, especially since we both have connections with friends and I don’t wanna upset anyone, but I’m mentally drained from her doing this to me every time I try to go home to have time to myself.
What should I do??
1 Like
Hello friend, I think it’s good that you are reaching out for advice and support! This shows that you care a great deal about your relationship with your fiancée.
And being an outsider looking in. I can see that the example you presented. Reads as a sign of a codependent relationship.
You seem to partially be walking on eggshells around your fiancée. Avoiding conflict by giving in to things you don’t want to do. Which in this case is feeling trapped by staying with her 1 or 2 nights because of her pleading. You’re spending more time and energy taking care of her. With little regard for taking care of yourself. When you clearly want to though. By having some alone time away for proper rest and your hobbies. Which I believe is healthy and perfectly fine to need.
Each person in a relationship shouldn’t lose their sense of individuality or identity. Time apart from each other is normal and healthy. It’s great that you have a history of open communication. And addressing problems and working towards solutions. But as you said she’s avoiding your attempts at having an honest discussion. About how you’re feeling in this situation.To keep you in a place she’s comfortable with. As she already knows you’ve been strong enough in the past to split things off. Because of other issues in the relationship that were unresolved. And she probably fears it happening again.
I feel like in this case you have to put your foot down. And bring up your need for space. And follow through with it. She will not like it. And most likely either lash out or plead even more against it. But your relationship as it stands is taking it’s toll on you again.
When you feed and support your own happiness. You’re actually nourishing your ability to love. It can be hard sometimes to be honest. And think about your own happiness ahead of the person you love. But self care is very important. And it should be something that always comes first. Because if your needs aren’t equally being met. It’s a one sided relationship. And those always end with one person blowing up over pent up frustration. Or having major regrets weeks, months, or years down the line.
Bottom line is If your fiancée can’t understand how her actions are causing you to suffer. Then she’s not ready to fully love you. I’m sorry if my words aren’t what you were hoping to hear. But I’m just trying to be honest with you. So you have another point of view to consider. And compare to what you are already thinking.
I wish you the best of luck in your relationship. And I’m here to talk more if you need more support.
1 Like