Ive been in hard places, and ive been suicidal but im not anymore, i used to be lonely and depressed all the time but not much i get those random bursts of sadness every now and then i recently convinced myself to put a lighter to my skin and it hurt obviously but i took it away immediately, but i still felt i needed to somehow punish my self for nothing because i heard you dont feel as angry all the time if you start to harm yourself, so 3 days ago i asked if i could borrow a bobbypin from my brother and i heated up the pin and pressed it to my inner thigh until it was room temperature than id wait some seconds than do it again, i have been doing this alot now it never leaves a mark but it hurts, but i dont want to stop cause it gives me adrenaline which i never get much now but i know its wrong and i need help
Hi Victoria. I’m so very proud of you for conquering suicidal thoughts! Once you fall into that pool it’s not an easy journey to get yourself out of, because it’s deep and it’s pitch black. You are an inspiration to people who may think they will NEVER feel okay again. You’re still here, and that shows your inner strength is there, even when it’s hiding.
Depression is an interesting Demon to say the least. To feel lonely and be stuck in that depression, and then find your way through that dark place and back into the light again… You are amazing! Please stop and think about that for a minute. You made it out of your worst place! Not everyone can say that. Shout it loudly! “I survived myself!”
Depression is not a thing that can be “cured,” as you’ve experienced with the random bursts of sadness. Those random bursts can come out of nowhere and for no reason at all, and it can feel like such a set back. The random bursts can be crushing. But remember they are temporary bursts of emotions that are demanding your attention because you stopped playing with them.
Please don’t hurt yourself. I can’t relate to physical self-harm, but I do my fair share of mental and emotional self-harm, and my scars run very deep. Sometimes it feels like I’m holding blow torch to the skin of the poor girl who’s a trapped prisoner inside my head. She screams so loudly, but no one except herself can hear it. Oh but I can hear it. And her pain makes me feel better sometimes. It took me years to understand why. One reason was because the pain I was causing to myself was controlled. I was 100% in control of it, and that is the only thing I felt in control of. The second reason I discovered was because when I felt “better” I didn’t understand that. It was scary. So I created pain to fill the emptiness that was left when the pain disappeared. And then I felt “familiar” again. And that’s so confusing.
You are not alone in the pain and confusion you feel. There are most definitely people in your life who do not (cannot) understand what you’re feeling inside your head. But I want you to know that there are more of us out there that do understand. Keep remembering how amazing you are and use that strength to fight the urge to punish yourself. You do not deserve to be punished, you deserve to be praised. Praise yourself, and it will become a habit. Be well my friend.
Carmony
I had an after thought when I re-read your post. I sensed that you are looking for a way to channel your pain. You dabbled in self-harm to see if it brings the satisfaction you were seeking in the adrenaline it causes, but it doesn’t. Please don’t keep chasing that. It only gets bigger and harder to fight back against.
You were so brave to shared your story. Now I feel brave and I want to tell you how I got here.
When I discovered HeartSupport, I was in a very bad place. A place that I have come out of many times, only to find myself being sucked back into many more times. A video Taylor made, I believe was placed in my newsfeed by the Universe for me to see specifically that night.
Your story of surviving YOURSELF can help people overcome their own Demons. When I came out of the dark place again recently, I was drawn back here and decided to become a volunteer for HeartSupport. Maybe you can find what you seek through helping others walk through their dark places. Consider it. You are the light that others need to see. Shine brightly Victoria! 
C
Ive told my friends at least two of them one didnt take it as serious and just told me to be safe and try to stop before it turns into an addiction, the other one kept asking questions and made me feel like i was on suicide watch, he told me we have to call all the time and why did it have to be burning and to show his a video of me throwing the pins and lighter out, he started asking really detailed questions than told me i cant be trusted, i asked why he treats me like a whole different person the night after and he said it was because i hurt myself, that made me feel horrible i understand seeing someone a bit different after finding out, but i didnt expect any of that, ive tried to distract myself today ive done some cooking watched some shows and relaxed for a while, it worked while i was busy but after not so much, i hope to make improvements on this, and thanks for the advice
I’m so sorry your friends reacted that way after you confided that secret. It sounds like you have people around you who want to help but they don’t know how, and sometimes it can make things feel worse than better. That can isolate you even more as well, especially when they start looking at you like you’re a different person, and you wonder if they’re disgusted. Your pain makes them uncomfortable because they don’t understand it. I have to remind myself of this all the time, but I take it personally anyway. It’s hard not to.
It’s great that you can find things that keep you busy. What is your favorite thing to cook? When you’re cooking, what smells do you find most relaxing? Do you like to listen to music while you cook? Temporary distractions keep us going. And it’s ok to fall down, just remember you don’t belong on the floor. I’m cheering you on. You’ve got this.
C