Two years and I’m still grieving

Two years ago today my grandmother passed away. She had a fast acting cancer and it had spread too much before even being discovered.

The frustrating thing that still angers me to this day is my grandmother went to the doctors so much. How did they not find it before. How?

A week after thanksgiving we found out she had the cancer- in a week she was in hospice… she made it to her birthday which was two days ago, and she passed two years ago today.

When she passed I remember they put her in one of her new night gowns that my mom had gotten her for Christmas, which she didn’t make it to. I remember my mother having to return some Christmas gifts she had gotten for my grandmother because she passed just two weeks before Christmas.

I remember planning to bake her cookies for Christmas.

I remember a lot of that time.

Now winter is the worst season for me.

I miss her. I know the way it worked out it was in the way God swe it needed to be.

She was there to help when my dad almost died and my dad was there for when she did pass.

We got to spend the last four years of her life with her which should be enough of a blessing.

I just feel so guilty for all the times that I got mad at her because of how she was, or just trying to follow the thought processes of my parents.

That day I woke up at 2:03 am to my mom telling me my grandma had passed. I shed a single tear. I went back to sleep. I still went to school that day. I remember everything from that day.

I remember singing to my grandmothers ashes back when I wasn’t comfortable singing at all. I remember talking to her hoping maybe she was there listening.

I remember so much.

Every year it’s harder and harder.

I just miss her so much. I miss her silly dances and her silly singing, all of her flaws and perfections.

I know grieving takes time but I guess that’s just what this post is for.

Currently my grandfather has late stage Alzheimer’s and resides in a hospital which is set up kind of like an apartment. Idk how to explain it. I try to spend as much time as I can with him but I know it’s not enough.

My other grandma is missing half a lung from cancer and is currently in remission. It’s pretty evident my other grandfather has lung cancer.

Winter, just sucks.

Hey Lyss,

First, I love you and this whole community loves you. Second, I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you were very close with your grandmother and it’s completely understandable that . you would be feeling so much pain during this time. Grief is a really strange thing, and it feels impossible to understand why we have to lose the people we love so much. I want you to know that you should not feel guilty. Your grandmother loved you and she still does just up in heaven. Hold fast my sweet friend.

I miss my Grandma too. She died when I was 8. I’m 38 right now. Her brother & sister all have passed away within the last decade or so. My Great Uncle (My Grandma’s brother) died the Christmas before the Steeler’s won their sixth Superbowl (He was a Huge Steeler’s/Pittsburgh fan). My Great Aunt died sometime afterwards. So that pain never goes away especially if they’ve been significant in your life like in my case my Grandma’s syblings all had a hand in raising me since my Father was divorced and in the military as I grew up.

I want it to go away (The grief, The pain) & enjoy the good memories that I had with My Great Aunt & Uncle. It’s hard especially now that my late Uncle’s wife is in a home with dementia. I just really shutdown. I avoid funerals (Even though I’ve really wanted to go to theirs & do want to go to my parents if they die.) You cope with the pain by being the person they saw you as and by being who you are.

(I swear if I never met my Great Uncle & his wife I would probably be in a federal prison by the time I was in my early 20’s.)