Today was just another day of accomplishing nothing it seems.
I’m contemplating weaning myself off my depression medication. I’m just done with it. All the doctor visits and the twenty dollar copays. It’s all just useless for me. I’ve been stuck in the same place for a while now.
I’ve fallen back into my pit of self hate. I’m just so tired. I can’t do anything right according to certain people. I’m not good enough.
I can’t help people at the moment. My love for helping others has been killed by the classes I took. Didn’t even finish. I skipped classes and I’m done with it.
I have people I can go to. I know.
I just feel alone. A scab won’t heal if you keep picking at it. Just like I can’t get better if I’m surrounded by the same environment that has been a part of my pain.
I don’t know why I’m making this post.
Sometimes I wonder if I really need help. Am I just looking for attention? Am I just over reacting?
I wish I wouldn’t have gotten rid of my other pills. It was a safety net. It was a way out. And now it’s gone.
I know how you feel about not knowing if you need help or if you are just looking for attention/over reacting. I struggle with those questions myself. I also deal with a lot of self hate. But keep sharing. What I have found is that often opening up and talking helps a lot. It gives us an opportunity to, if anything else, sort through our own thoughts. I’ve also been able to connect with a friend when it turned out he’s been going through many of the same feelings I’ve been having. Now we can encourage one another even more than before.
You wonder if you are just looking for attention. It can be hard to tell, and sometimes all we want is to know someone sees you. But i guess it really comes down to, if I do this, will it help me? You should be the most important person in your own life. You don’t need those people who tell you what you can’t do, they don’t understand. They are not universally right. And yes, when you are drained you want someone else to just tell you what’s right. You cannot help others if you don’t want to help yourself. Worry about yourself before you worry about others. If you think and if it feels right to maybe get out of that environment somehow, no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
You feel tired. It’s okay. This won’t last forever. I have hope in you. And talking about this pain, how useless everything feels, how is that nothing? I see meaning in it. There’s meaning in you.
It’s not about being good enough for other people, it’s about being good enough for yourself.
“Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”
It sucks being depressed and lonely. Maybe you should get a pet. (therapy) I been there and have been there. The delusion is wanting it to stop. It will never stop even if you manage to take your own life. This delusion that once my existence ends the suffering will stop is a delusion because there is no evidence you stop existing once you die.
What evidence is left is the never getting done. All the unresolved isssues. Things are left unresolved. The evidence in all the suicides results in a lot of unresolved issues and hurt whether just attempted or completed. I understand in part the “waste of space/breath” philosophy even the “end of the pain.” To take this stance on means of not researching. Yet I’ve done the research. All suicide accomplishes for sure is a lot of hurt and unresolved issues. Am I saying to or not do it? I’m saying do the research.
If you are lonely then you can only resolve this issue with company. In this world you have to get to know someone before they become your friend or lover. The only way this happens if interests are mutual. You can only find someone interested by interacting with them.
As for depression, there really is no clear cut way to control depression. Only to manage/cope with it. Therefore if you’re taking meds prescribed by the proper professional help then I’d advice against it. Just because it seems to not to work doesn’t mean it doesn’t.
Another issue you implied but didn’t setout in the spotlight is energy. There are many ways of obtaining energy. I can point out info by experts that suggest certain vitamins, minerals, pills, etc. I won’t. How I push through the misery? I expect it. Everyday I’m depressed & lonely. Everyday, I get up and take a shower plus do my erands & chores. My head makes me want to puke or my body aches with tiredness or weariness.
I just force myself to move.
I drone on about all the people that don’t like wanting to see me do anything. So I do anything to just piss them off. I wake up and shower. I’ve swallowed the introvert of me and became very extroverted. Why? Just to be a thorn in those people’s sides that spoke and said things like “he’s a loser” or “he’ll never do anything.” I am a rebel. I play to what I am. I hate knowing if I don’t do anything or if I take my own life that those people that once or do judge me get to say “See. I told you.”
SCrew those people. Screw my suicidal thoughts. Screw my depression. They all want a fight. I’m giving it to them.
I fight for my life.
(I know that this might not be helpful. I could say a lot more things that be more helpful. I just can’t right now.
I’m a fat person and we learn in life you either run or fight in a fight. Well fat people can’t run. So the only choice is to fight even if it is hopeless to fight.)