I am posting here again because of a realisation i had and it is not a very comfortable one to admit. My family is going to celebrate my, my brothers and my fathers birthday tommorow. We have them all very close so we decided to celebrate them together. Our mum said she is going to pick me and my brother when we arrive at the trainstation. When we arrieved my mum drunk so she could not pick us up. She was so drunk she could barely put a sentence together. My brother took it bad so he has been really upset. My dad is also upset but he tries to be diplomatic and does not want to provoke a conflict. My brother drinks too but not as much as my mum.
I am so fucking tired of this. Another thing I was really upset about was my mothers “nostalgic” episode. She wanted to talk about the things that were. I didnt. There is not much that I want to remember. I had several bad memories that just hit me which was not exactly pleasant. I remembered some of the shitty things that I even forgot about! My mum was drunk today too and my brother got even more upset. Plus I played a game with my friends and it was ok but then i just got tired and did not really want to talk with them.
The realisation I had kind of made me feel bad because it felt like something that a bad person would think. But I could not help it. The thing I realised was… I dont really like spending time with the people around me. Except maybe for my dad. And I dont know if it is the fault of the people or is my depression making me unable to put up with the shit that I have to put up with when i am around these people. Like it is not like I hate the people I just dont find it enjoyable to be around them a lot of the time… not all of it but a lot of it. Most of it is just meh, some of it is good but a lot of it is just bad. My friends,my family this is something I want to tell you… i am tired of being with you and dealing with your shit.
One short conversation here can bring me more joy than a days long worth of talking with my mum. I am tired of talking to people. I am tired of me. I am tired of my irl friends. I am tired of my family. I dont want to hurt them but this is just how I feel. It is nuts when your own family is making you more suicidal and depressed. There have been more small things that got me upset but I wont talk about them. I am starting to think of limitting my contact with my friends that I care about but i dont like being around. On one side I think they might hate me but on the other side that would mean that i would no longer had to talk to them. It is not like they are trying to hurt me or anything but I just find talking to them too tireing.