Uncomfortable realisation

[Ashwell]

Hi everyone
I am posting here again because of a realisation i had and it is not a very comfortable one to admit. My family is going to celebrate my, my brothers and my fathers birthday tommorow. We have them all very close so we decided to celebrate them together. Our mum said she is going to pick me and my brother when we arrive at the trainstation. When we arrieved my mum drunk so she could not pick us up. She was so drunk she could barely put a sentence together. My brother took it bad so he has been really upset. My dad is also upset but he tries to be diplomatic and does not want to provoke a conflict. My brother drinks too but not as much as my mum.

I am so fucking tired of this. Another thing I was really upset about was my mothers “nostalgic” episode. She wanted to talk about the things that were. I didnt. There is not much that I want to remember. I had several bad memories that just hit me which was not exactly pleasant. I remembered some of the shitty things that I even forgot about! My mum was drunk today too and my brother got even more upset. Plus I played a game with my friends and it was ok but then i just got tired and did not really want to talk with them.

The realisation I had kind of made me feel bad because it felt like something that a bad person would think. But I could not help it. The thing I realised was… I dont really like spending time with the people around me. Except maybe for my dad. And I dont know if it is the fault of the people or is my depression making me unable to put up with the shit that I have to put up with when i am around these people. Like it is not like I hate the people I just dont find it enjoyable to be around them a lot of the time… not all of it but a lot of it. Most of it is just meh, some of it is good but a lot of it is just bad. My friends,my family this is something I want to tell you… i am tired of being with you and dealing with your shit.

One short conversation here can bring me more joy than a days long worth of talking with my mum. I am tired of talking to people. I am tired of me. I am tired of my irl friends. I am tired of my family. I dont want to hurt them but this is just how I feel. It is nuts when your own family is making you more suicidal and depressed. There have been more small things that got me upset but I wont talk about them. I am starting to think of limitting my contact with my friends that I care about but i dont like being around. On one side I think they might hate me but on the other side that would mean that i would no longer had to talk to them. It is not like they are trying to hurt me or anything but I just find talking to them too tireing.

[LiveResponse]

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)

Hi Ashwell. It sucks so badly when family, especially a parent let’s us down. I have felt the same things from time to time. My xhusband’s family was just shit and toxic. I hated spending time with them because there was just sooo much BS and abuse. I wish I could give you a big hug and just know that you are loved and respected here. If you need to get away from IRL people, then take a break. Sometimes taking time to just listen to what we need for ourselves is a good thing. ~Lizzy

[LiveResponse]

From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Ashwell, I am so incredibly sorry that you have to manage all of this, you really should not. Your realisation however is interesting to me because really its more or a revelation. You do not have to be around the people that make you feel that way, it doesn’t matter who they are, if someone is making you feel worse than you do in your general everyday life then spend as little amount of time with them as you can. I would encourage you to have that time with your Dad however if it makes you feel better as that is a choice that is a positive one and that is as important. Its all about making choices that are good for you and your wellbeing and you are just learning to know what they are and that is a good thing. I am proud of you for knowing. You are such a super person; you deserve to be as happy as you possibly can and if that means making difficult choices then so be it. Good for you. Much Love LIsa

[Sita]

One thing in life that can make growing up feel really unstable is having a drunk/alcoholic parent. Maybe you could read up on that, and you’ll see some of the effects they talk about. The parent’s abuse of alcohol means they have all these moods, and these shifts in personality that can be scary and confusing to a child growing up. If they get angry, this c an further terrify a child and make them super sensitive to tone and start being super vigilant of changes in tone and stuff. It’s a huge mental burden, and it affects the kids.

I say all this to now tell you:
You are not a bad person for having that thought. It wasn’t a mean thought, it was a survival thought, I’d say. Being around people who drain you isn’t fun.

What i don’t want is for you to end up isolating yourself. Maybe you can tell your friends that you’re feeling a bit “run down” (do you guys ever use that phrase?? lol) and tired, and need to stay home more/skip games, etc to rest, help out at home, etc.
That way you leave the door open to hang out with them later on?

I like the insight you’re getting into yourself. I find that to be quite hopeful and great progress.

Thank you for sharing with us!

[Wings]

First, I want to thank you for all the support you have given others here. Your being here means a lot, and I appreciate it.

I grew up around alcoholism and mental health issues. I became pretty good at being invisible to my family.

@Ashwell

The thing I realised was… I dont really like spending time with the people around me. Except maybe for my dad.

The desire to avoid people who are emotionally draining, is a sign of good mental health. You have both a right and a need to distance yourself from people who are behaving badly.

Regarding your friends, perhaps you are changing, or they are. It’s worth thinking about whether or not being in their company benefits you, or drains you. It’s also possible that since you are in an emotionally draining environment, interacting with others may also feel like a drain.

You might be an introvert. Thoughtful and sensitive people often are. In that case, it is essential to have regular periods of peace and quiet, because that’s what’s needed to recharge your emotional batteries.

Some friendships only work with limited contact, as too much contact would cause it to fail. In fact, some friendships are strengthened when individuals have the opportunity to miss each other.

The thing that saved me, and gave me hope was the realization that life did not have to be as miserable as it was in our house, and I could leave at first opportunity, which I did. I stayed completely away from my family for about six months. After that, I only made brief visits. Because the visits were brief, they usually managed to be on their good behavior until I left.

Your “uncomfortable realization” will save you in the long run, because it will help you avoid being sucked into toxic family dynamics.

Remember, you have a right to protect yourself and your loving nature.

[Ashwell]

@Sita @Wings @Lisalovesfeathers and @Mystrose Thank you for your responses. It truly means a lot to me.
Today is the day we celebrate and it started horribly. My mum and brother were constantly at each others throats. She was very mean and i was just so sad. Fuck her. I dont love her. I dont care that she is my mother she is a toxic and manipulative person. I feel so sorry for my dad that he has to live with her. I am so tired of her shit. I have to control myself to not punch her in the face. Ahhhhhh.

On an other note here is my favourite family member. I wish i could be with him more often.

[Sita]

a cat pic!!! SO CUTEEEE!!

Just an idea:
If you know that your mother is toxic and mean, and you don’t feel overly emotional towards her, maybe you could use this to your advantage?
Knowing that you have to take care of your emotions, and do what is best for you, you can lower your expectations of what you think she should be doing for you and your other family members?
Maybe you can separate it into thinking of what a non-addict mother should do, and what you can realistically expect from your own mother. This way, you may feel less pained when she acts poorly, or dramatic.

Because addiction really does take over one’s life, and I hope that someday she gets help for it. Until then, remember this is a safe space for you, to share your feelings. It can be really confusing and angering to have a parent who chooses the drug of choice over you, and who acts poorly rather than get help. You’re not responsible for her actions.

Keep strong friend, we’ve got your back here.

[Micro]

Dear @Ashwell,

I agree wholeheartedly with our friends and what has been said above. There is a huge difference between being okay to spend time with people (or not), and the fact that these people display behaviors and create environments that are emotionally taxing.

Your realization doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who can acknowledge what is healthy or not, what are their personal boundaries, what they are willing to accept or not in their life. With family, we want to always bargain and concede to “accept” so many things, even what is unacceptable. This whole situation and how you feel about it really only displays how human and loving you are, but also how important it is to say know and put boundaries when that is needed. The fact that you become aware of those needs is a sign of growth. I know it’s heartbreaking because somehow it gives this sensation that you are moving on while your own family remains stuck in the same position. Your heart would like for them to follow you, to learn to face their struggles and be honest with themselves, bur your mind knows that there is an inadequation there between their behaviors and your own aspirations.

It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. You are not a bad person for having strong feelings about people close to you and regarding situations that would be, objectively, upsetting/infiuriating/frustrating to anyone. I think you are actually a very patient person, as you have shown for a very long time. They may not see it, but we see it right here. Trust me, it is not invisible and it is far from being dismissed.

You seem to be on your way to learn to grow progressively away from what consumes you emotionally. That’s healthy. Not selfish. And it is part of growing to learn these subtelties too. Love can be intertwined with rejection. Just like acceptance can also mean saying no at times. There is a need for some balance, always.

You have a big heart. Please don’t doubt about it, friend.

I’m sorry things have been rough again and I hope that writing here helps to release the tension. This whole situation and realizations probably feel messy, but you will find your way through it all, and we are not giving up on you. I appreciate you so much.

PS - What a cutie cat! Such a tender moment that you’ve captured. Enjoy the cuddles and soothing purrs. It’s the best.

[Mystrose]

When I was married, my mother in law was/is a (dunno if the bitch is still alive and don’t give a flying F) very wealthy snob. She was the most evil woman I’ve ever known in my whole life.

She would scream at us to answer the phone if it rang more than twice at the lumber yard she owned. She would literally hang out of her office window which was a loft upstairs and yell … ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!!" I’m not even exaggerating. Customers would trip. She yelled at me once because my 8 month old baby was crying in the play pen she made me put him in. I didn’t want him ever in play pens and she knew, so she bought one and put it in her house. So, when I was there… my son was put in it without my ok. I really don’t understand why she was so demanding about that. My house was baby proofed (so was hers) and my son wasn’t kept in a cage.

At the time, I just let it happen because my xhusband would get furious with me if I went against her.

When I think back, it makes my blood boil and if I saw her today… .Oh boy, she would get it up one side and down the other. I would go off and probably hurt her. That’s how much I hate her and I’m actually shaking thinking about it.

But seriously, I think the way I would handle it now would be to just not take anything she says or does personally because letting her have control of my emotions was the wrong way to go. I would stand up and yell “NO!” when I wanted to and I wouldn’t cower in the corner and be miserable. I would enjoy the other people there and have fun with whatever we were doing together.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey Ash
Just wanted to check in and see how you are? I hope things have settled down a bit a week on from Thanksgiving. Sending love and hope you are doing ok

[Ashwell]

Hi Lisa
Thank you for asking. Honestly not doing super great lately. Feeling more sad and depressed day by day. I am trying to work on in with my therapist but things have been hard lately. Today when I returned from work I just slept for like 3 hours on a couch. I just have a lot on my table and my willingness and energy are scarce. My suicidal ideation is also stronger. I trying to keep it together tho. I have been feeling like I am lost and there is no way out.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Im sorry Ash, I am glad I asked though. I am also pleased that you are getting help with your therapist, its something that sadly takes time though, if only they could prescribe happiness and it was instant. Of course you are fatigued friend its all part and parcel of how you are feeling and what goes with it, its exhausting coping with depression and I am proud of you for trying so hard. Please remember to reach out if you need to. There is never a bad time to call on friends and we are your friends. Stay strong Ash, you are so special, so loved and incredibly brave.

[Ashwell]

Thank you Lisa. I am trying. I just dont know how long can I keep this up. I have been feeling hopeless lately and I just like to be alone and not do much. I have been on my current medication for 6 months now and… I just dont know. It is not helping super much or maybe it is and i would be so much worse without it. I cant tell.

[Micro]

I’m sorry that the dark thoughts are still very present @Ashwell. You really don’t deserve to struggle with these. You are such a light.

I have been on my current medication for 6 months now and… I just dont know. It is not helping super much or maybe it is and i would be so much worse without it. I cant tell.

I remember you have mentioned this some time ago. Is it something you would like to consider discussing with your doctor? It could be good to have their own feedback on that matter to help you determine if it’s really the medications not being effective enough. I think it’s always worth it to talk about it as this is about your health, your well-being, which is such a huge priority.

[Ashwell]

Hi Micro
Well I think my medication is not ideal but I dont want to try to change it now because it is not a very good time to balance and try a new medication. I think the current medication is working ok for now and it will do but I have some problems with it. I am doing a bit better now honestly. I dont even know why that is. One possible reason is that I have been taking more time for myself and did not deplete my energy today. Thank you for being here Micro. Appretiate it.