Uncovered a Life-Changing Repressed Memory

[Rowan]

Okay, so, for context, I’m part of a system, and Everest is my protector.

So a few weeks ago I was like, “Boy, Everest, it sure is funny that Salem (our singlet friend) had so much more trauma than I did and I turned out more broken… you don’t happen to know of any repressed memories, do you?” And Everest was like, “Nah, don’t worry about it! If you had repressed memories I would have told you!”

Anyways, fast forward to today and I realized that I had a GIANT repressed memory from when I was FOUR that influenced the entire rest of my life. I’ve had PTSD since I was a fucking TODDLER, and I didn’t even know until today. Basically, I didn’t know what death was, and I learned the hard way when my great grandmother DIED. And I never fully processed the grief and the reason why I act out every November is because she died in November and I subconsciously remembered the trauma anniversary.

This is also why I got a new headmate in this time of year for 3 consecutive years. Everest in November 2018, Cyanide in November 2019, and Whitney in October 2020.
So, anyways, I was venting to Everest about it, and I was like, “You probably don’t know what it’s like to lose someone.” And then Everest was basically like, “Oh, about that: I actually do because I was holding the memory.” And I pretty much lost my shit.

Any doubt of these headmates being real has now fully dissintegrated. They’re not imaginary friends, we’re a traumagenic system, and I actually have a dissociative disorder.

[Wings]

My grandfather died when I was four. I remember feeling close to him, and of course had no clue about death. Somehow, at the funeral I realized that he would never wake up. I walked up to the casket, picked up his hand and kissed it. I said “I love you grandpa, goodbye.” I heard lots of gasping, sucking wind and moaning going on behind me, but I didn’t realize I was the cause of it, as the people around me were freaking out because I touched him.

I wonder if that experience led to me being more comfortable when years later, I provided hospice care.

When a repressed memory comes forward, it can be reframed, to place the experience in a different context. Yes, she died, which means she also lived, and no doubt, the experiences you shared with her are a gift.

I was attacked by a dog when I was six. I had flashback trauma of that, when I encountered a large dog in the woods. I screamed, peed my pants, tried to run but tripped and fell. The dog ran up to me, sniffed my hair, then just sat down and looked at me. I ended up loving that big scary dog, and we had lots of fun together. Thanks to the big scary dog, I became a lot less fearful of dogs.

The loss of your grandma was traumatic, and you experienced it as a four-year-old. Now you can look at the experience within the context of gained wisdom. Perhaps now, it can be like the big scary dog that ended up being one of your best friends. Both the time you spent with your grandma, and her passing, has enriched your heart and wisdom.

I really hope that members of your system get really good at sharing thoughts of comfort.

[Rowan]

Reframing it, huh? I suppose I can give it a try…

I guess one good thing about her dying is that $5000 of inheritance will be rightfully mine when I turn 18…

Is that how you do it?

[Wings]

I think it’s more of a good thing that you had her in your life.

[sakurasangel]

I’m always one to hesitate about self diagnosing, so I would definitely try to see a psychiatrist/psychologist sooner or later if you can.

That said, its no good to compare trauma. It’ll end up being a never ending game and you’ll just feel really shitty about it. When I was talking to my therapist after my ptsd diagnosis, she told me that everyone reacts to situations differently, and some situations can be traumatic to one person and not another. And that’s okay.
I thought my main event/trigger was silly, but its not. My therapist told me about how she had a former(?) patient who had ptsd due to a teacher in first or second grade who told her she needed to stop stimming because she was happy. (She was autistic.) Its seems like the teacher just wanted her to “not be a distraction” and was just telling her off. But it was traumatic and therefore valid.

I hope this makes sense !!

And if its any help, your brain won’t let you remember a repressed memory unless it thinks you can handle it. This happened to me when I realized that my dad (tw sexual abuse/pedophilia) probably molested and sexually abused me as a kid.
You’ll be okay

And if you dont see a therapist atm, I highly encourage you seek that out!

[Rowan]

My therapist told me about how she had a former(?) patient who had ptsd due to a teacher in first or second grade who told her she needed to stop stimming because she was happy. (She was autistic.) Its seems like the teacher just wanted her to “not be a distraction” and was just telling her off.

This really cut deep for me. Most of my trauma that I do remember is due to stuff like this. I’m autistic too and I had a lot of ablest teachers that were abusive and caused a lot of trauma.

Ironically, you bringing this up sort of triggered me, yet the thing you put a trigger warning for did not.

[sakurasangel]

Sorry!! I hope my point helped though?

I have to remind myself often not to compare trauma or depression or just… most things. It gets easier.

My therapist specializes in autism so I’m autistic as well

[Rowan]

No. It didn’t help. It actually made me feel worse. Sorry.

[sakurasangel]

Oh, I’m sorry then.

Hopefully someone else can better help you then…