A while ago I found out why I have such anxiety around failing, but yesterday I figure out yet another part of what my parents did that ended up harming me.
My parents used to always say I was lying, even if I wasn’t. No matter how much I insisted it was the truth, they would always blame me. On top of that, I was never allowed to say no to anything, or my dad would be upset about it. Recently, it’s been more noticable. My dad will hug me and when I push him off he’ll do it again (which sounds really creepy now that I’m writing it). Last night I told him that I have boundaries, and he sarcastically said “whatever”
I was thinking about it, and I think that might be why I have such a problem with saying “no” to people. I was never ALLOWED to say no. I just had to go along with whatever my Dad wanted from me, because he wouldn’t let me say no to what he was doing.
The worst part is that I can’t get him to stop. I’ve told him not to touch me without permission, I’ve told him I have boundaries and I don’t like it when he does that, but he keeps doing it, and he won’t stop. It makes me uncomfortable but whenever I tell him not to he just guilt trips me and tells me I’m “being mean to him”. I’m not trying to be mean, I just don’t want to be touched right now. I don’t know how to deal with him anymore.
Oh yes you can. Be assertive and tell him NO and if he gives you that guilt shit, straight up yell it in his face. I’m not even joking. Tell him why you’re saying no, because he obviously doesn’t understand what boundaries are. Tell him he’s creeping you the F*ck out of you and its not appropriate. Make him see that you know it’s wrong and point it out.
It makes me sick when I read about this crap. I’m so so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this for so long. Saying no is important when it needs to happen and I really hope that you can find your “NO”
It’s hard to find for some people, but I know you will. From what I’ve seen, you are very strong!
Oh I feel so sorry that you have to go through this. I am so sorry that he is continuously infringing on your space.
You have been so strong to deal with this, and to deal with the consequences of their parenting by not allowing you the choice of “no” which is such an important skill to have.
Can you tell him it feels overly sexualized and it grosses you out, and he can have a handshake if he needs the physical contact? Ask him why it is so important for him to touch you when it is inappropriate at the age you’re at? Tell him that it does not feel like a father’s touch and you will come to him for hugs when you’re ready.
It sounds creepy. Is he like this with others in the same house or family? And because I don’t know how much he will listen to words, I would start keeping all sorts of large awkward shaped things in my pockets and as chains and belts to make hugging you unpleasant.
Considering it’s just me and my mom, and he doesn’t show her much affection at all, no. I think he’s just like that with me, which makes it even weirder.
i’m so sorry, friend. Can you talk to your mom, will she be useful to help intervene? I do hope this will not stop you from trying to learn to say ‘no’ in other situations. No, politely but without explanation is a powerful thing and I really wish this happens for you. Keep us updated please. Hopefully others will jump in with some more tips on getting him to respect your space.
I’m really sorry that your dad doesn’t respect your boundaries. It seems that you’ve expressed many times what is okay for you or not, yet he dismisses it or make you feel guilty for just having your own limits. It is possible that physical t ouch is his love language and something that really matters to him, but as the parent he should be open to listen and understand that it is something that makes you uncomfortable. Boundaries are boundaries, and they need to be respected by everyone, especially if they’re aware of it.
As @Sita suggested, do you feel like it is something you could discuss with your mom? It would be good if she could try to mediate this situation between your dad and you, and help to make him understand that he can express his affection in many other ways that don’t involve physical contact.
Also a follow-up: In the hopes that he is expressing his affection through his love language as Micro mentioned, could you try asking him to give you a stuffed toy that you can both use to convey affection?
Maybe it’s a bit of a trick, but you could tell him that you aren’t comfortable right now with affection like that, but you would be willing to keep a stuffed toy around so he feels better? Sort of an intermediary? This way it’s not a flat out rejection or him, but more like getting a surrogate.
I’m sort of sorry for the suggestion since it puts you in a position where you have to be concerned about his feelings but I think it is a useful trick/tip to try to get some distance between you two. That way he can see you with the stuffed toy, and feel the closeness without having to physically be there. (Also, you can have no feelings for this toy whatsoever, just leave it hanging around as a bit of décor to keep him out of your hair, if he agrees to it).
Hope others can weigh in, and let me know if it sounds too silly/