I have grown so much, and overcame so much.
I have built many healing habits that reinforce a healthy relationship with self.
Growing in understanding patterns, growing in self-love and self-acceptance.
Growing in my ability to process emotions, growing in my ability to allow feelings to move through me.
Looking back on life so far, I conclude that I have made a habit of stuffing down feelings, repression instead of feeling safe expression. I am now becoming aware of this habit and tendency. Especially as I am free of escape drugs and free of escape behaviors such as the combination of sexual images and sex with self.
So I am being confronted with healing parts of myself that I used to self-medicate away. Genuinely not knowing how to address or process. I was afraid to feel.
Also gaining understanding of how my ADHD diagnosis affected me for my whole life without realizing it. Lower self-regulation, lower self-control, more impulsive, more internalized anxiety. Lower dopamine.
My adderal helps a little bit, with lighting up my brain. But still very challenging each day, to concentrate on work, and to feel calm and grounded.
I feel shame about past actions that were acting out sexually, and contrary to my own morals. So it’s like I betrayed my own morals, and was deceitful to my wife. Breaking her trust and making her feel unloved. It has been very hard to explain that the issues were MY issues, and not a reflection of my love for her. But naturally it still hurt her. Trust is rebuilding and our relationship is now stronger and supported by integrity and love.
I’m very proud of myself for snapping out of it, and taking control and becoming conscious of healthy coping techniques and living a life of commitment and integrity. My battles with lust behaviors caused much conflict within myself. Causing me to mistrust myself because I often felt like I wasn’t at the drivers wheel. Like auto-pilot often took over and I was just the passenger. My new mission is to stay the at the drivers wheel, and trust myself to make good choices. To acknowledge that the struggle is real and a very human condition to wrestle against unwanted tendencies. The natural consequence of nobody being in perfect control.
Nonetheless I am building more and more understanding in answering the WHY and the subconscious reasons for certain seeking behaviors. Unless I understand the why, it’s hard to heal and take powerful positive actions to be emotionally well.
More journal to come in part 2 of this post.
Love and healing to you dear reader.