Unexpected Family Death... tw suicide/drugs/self harm

this past thursday I was told my step uncle (step grandfather’s son) passed away and they didn’t know why/had to do an autopsy. I was afraid he relapsed on drugs, because he did them heavily when he was younger. It really fucked him up. I would see him nearly ever time we would visit my grandparent’s for maybe… 5 years? because he lived there. My pops took more care of him than he should have. Part of it was because Pops lost one of his sons previously to suicide.

my mom just asked if i wanted to know what happened to Matthew. I knew right away. It turns out that he committied suicide. I almost wish he relapsed and overdosed… I hope that’s not bad to say. It is, really. he didn’t even intentionally OD. he… well, he hung himself. which is painful because you don’t die until after you pass out.
I just… ache. This is the second son my pops has lost, and the … well, i guess second person i’ve known to commit suicide. for the first person, it was a kid i went to high school with. i wasn’t really friends with him (we were when we were little, but things change in middle school lol). i often have dreams with him in it even though I know he is gone.
and now matthew…

it makes me feel sick. for a long time, I feared i would die by suicide. not only am i afraid of hell, i don’t want pops to have to grieve me early too.

I’m not sure what to do. i’m taking care of myself and have no intention of self harming. but i have that feeling and that lack of motiviation. i’m trying to remain somewhat positive since i start my internship tomorrow morning, but it’s so difficult to.

i want to cry, but i can’t.

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The mind often protects itself by limiting the amount of emotional intensity experienced. I had a similar reaction to the suicide of a friend. Rather unexpectedly, several days later, I had my meltdown. It occurred at a time when I could cry it out without it affecting my life or work.

Keep in mind, Matthew was a victim of suicide. It’s not like a fully rational decision. Instead, it’s evidence of a mental health issue that he was unable to overcome. Just as he didn’t intentionally develop mental health issues, the result (suicide) shouldn’t be considered intentional either.

I wish I could take the pain away. I hope you have someone close you can talk to. Remember, you can always talk here.

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I hadn’t thought of it as him being a victim, but you’re right. That is how it is. I know he did have mental health issues and wasn’t getting the help. Thankfully, I am getting help.

I’ll probably end up having a meltdown when its my spring break tbh

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend I’m so sorry that you’ve lost someone in your life to suicide. I know how you are feeling and it’s horrible. Have you thought about some type of grief therapy? Usually cities will hold free grief support meetings and there are probably privately run meetings too. It might be good for you to have other people who have experienced loosing someone to talk to. I think you would benefit from that. I hope you find peace and remain strong in taking care of yourself. ~Mystrose

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From: SuchBlue

Hi sakurasangel,

This isn’t your fault and you couldn’t control any of this. Lots of people have mental health issues and it’s sad to see that they decide to end their lives due to it, but it’s a reality and I don’t think it’ll be disappearing any time soon. Especially when you see that some of your family members did it, you feel like someday it’s going to be your turn to do it too. Just know that this is not true and you’re still alive and hopefully will be for a long time. Share your feelings with people you trust, and I’m sure that you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.

We are here for you and if there is anything else that you want to update us with, we will be more than happy to read it :hrtlegolove: You are loved

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From: Micro

Dear friend. I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are truly not enough in such circumstances. Your pain is felt truly. We are for you, with you, through this difficult time.

I hear you and all the fears that you have, somehow reactivated with this loss, about your own future. Whenever I lost someone, a bunch of fears that were tied to death were reactivated in me. I would worry more, feel more anxious, and even more about all the things that I couldn’t control. Helplessness strikes deeply when we are just processing the disappearance of someone, especially when it happens in such a traumatic way. Our mind easily focus on all those things we cannot to, all the things that are out of control, yet balanced with the deep desire and need to do something about the situation. Through it all, friend, I hope you know and keep in your heart that how you feel is completely valid and understandable.

You are not meant to disappear the same way. Fear, somehow, also pushes you in a net of safety, away from a possibility you don’t want to see happening. It reveals how much you hold on to life dearly, and that dark thoughts are for more about our quality of life than a matter of death. You have your own story, you have grown in so many ways. You are not your step uncle, you are not the people you have lost. Somehow, through this grief of yours, a beautiful way to honor their life will be to live the best life you can. Offering yourself all these opportunities that you need and aim for. Daring to try, to fail eventually but even more to learn. You are in control of your life, friend. And you are going to keep thriving so beautifully.

I hope with all my heart that there is room in your family to talk about what happened, to talk about your step uncle, and maybe even find healing all together that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Know that, as always, there is plenty of room here to talk, to be heard and supported. Take all the time you need to process, to mourn, even for the tears to happen at some point. It is okay to process at your own pace. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Dr Hogarth

I can’t even begin to imagine how this must feel for you. I admire you so much for posting this here when going through such a painful experience; it’s incredibly brave. It is absolutely necessary to give yourself permission to grieve not only for your step-uncle, but also to process this. I am concerned that how he died has proximity to your thoughts of suicide. This is going to be hard time, but you don’t need to be alone and I think the most important thing you can do is to keep talking. Talk with your Grandpa, talk with your family and with us if you need. Don’t let any of those thoughts and pain bottle up. We care about you and I have absolutely no doubt that you are precious to your family. None of us want you to go through this process of shock and grief alone. x

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend Thank you for your post, I am so very sorry for your loss, it is so sad when someone decides to take their own life especially for the people left behind. I cannot imagine what your grandad and family are going through, it is indeed a tragedy. When you lose a person in such shocking and tragic circumstances it can leave a whole in your life and it feels like a big whole in your body too that does make you ache, that is a normal reaction to a shock and an upset and so is the inability to cry, not only are you feeling the sadness of what has happened you are also feeling the sadness for your pops whom you love. I would encourage you to take some time and talk to your pops about his son when you feel you can, the more you talk the easier it will become, try to keep the conversations flowing, its never good for anyone to keep things locked away inside. It may also be a good idea to suggest to the family that he or all of you get some grief councelling, it could all help in the long run to getting life back to some sort of normality. In the meantime we are hear for you and I am sending you all lots of love. Lisa x