Trigger topic: Death, suicide
I’m not an immediate danger to myself, but I am asking what to do when my spouse, who is my only friend and closest family, is a trigger for suicidal thoughts.
What I’m needing is to vent and have a kind heart listen and maybe understand.
I’m not new to HS streams but am not well known to the community. I do lurk a lot and have not been active on Discord or the support wall. If I’m posting in the wrong area please let me know.
My spouse said a really hurtful thing about me in a work meeting and it had me spiraling into anxiety, depression, and worst of all suicidal thoughts.
It’s not the first time I’ve told them this but they don’t say nice things about me to other people. When it’s just us they are the sweetest human, but whenever they talk to someone about me they’re cruel.
I asked if they resent me for their family disowning us or for any other reason and they said no. Where could this be coming from? They make me out to be a monster. My sibling has accused me of being a bully to my spouse multiple times because of the things my spouse says to him. And I don’t think the words are true. I’m not a bully im not controlling im not anything they make me out to be but god it hurts and makes me more suicidal.
With how many times they have done this it starts to make me believe it and if I am such a monster then everyone would be better off without me and I wouldn’t be hurting anymore.
I’m not going to off myself right now but I’m so tired of all the anxiety and depression and guilt and hurt all taking turns pushing me down. I’m tired of no one caring. I’m just so tired all the time.
These mental health issues are lethal because they feed into each other. I used to think suicide was selfish and I got angry with people in my life that killed themselves. But I do have some degree of suicidal thoughts sometimes and anxiety amplifies it while depression makes me numb to consequences.
Last night I planned out exact details of how I would kill myself yet I know I don’t have the guts to actually do it and I’m scared of dying. So weird to be on both sides of that coin, and what’s scary is that I know this is how it started for some people who did eventually attempt suicide. I don’t want it to get that far. I read an article that was helpful and one of the things they said is if you currently have suicidal feelings wait 24 hours or 1 week because these feelings are almost always temporary and there are people and experiences and senses you would miss and would miss you. I didn’t really sleep last night but those words helped me get through to another day.