Unwanted & Unwarranted Love (Most Likely Lust)

So please do not judge me to harshly with this situation. So I haven’t been in a relationship in some months now. It was one of those relationships you just knew wasn’t going to work out because it wasn’t what you thought it’d be. Anyways that’s not the point. I started having casual sex with an old high school friend. We hang at his friends and then leave and do our thing. It’s only been three times so far for over a month now. The first time was supposed to be the only time so a few weeks later I caught myself sleeping with someone whom I swore never to get involved with again…my twins’ father. I’ve slept with him twice. I have my reasons on why I really didn’t want to be involved with him again and you’re going to learn one of them.

I’m not in a relationship with either and this isn’t really about them, I think…I don’t know; I’m not so sure. I didn’t want to be involved with my children’s father anymore because last time…and the time before that…and even the time before that…I had fell for him. I wanted a romantic relationship with him, but I was shot down all three times. You would think one let down would be enough, but I am without doubt very foolish at times, especially during times that I am not on my meds. What can I say; it is one of my poor coping skills and with me currently rolling into 29 days of sobriety (for alcoholism), it’s the only poor coping skill I can stick with.

Well, the issue of feelings have arised again, and this time it is more complex and completely overwhelming. I really want any and everyone’s pure honest opinions on my next statements. I have feelings for both these men and daydream and actually dream about being in a relationship with one of them. Of course neither knows I have feelings for them because with each of them, we had a agreement. For my children’s father it was just a hook-up to help me cope and focus and for the friend is was supposed to be a one night stand, but has happened three times so we decided to keep it casual.

The complex part of it isust that although I have these feelings, I don’t want them. I don’t want the feelings or dreaming and daydreaming of a relationship with either. I’ve told my children’s father that we should keep it either at every once of an apocalypse or never so that I don’t catch feelings again (so yes I told him without telling him). My friend I asked him if we were on the same page of keeping it casual and he said he like it being casual still. I’m often wondering if I actually have feelings for them or is it lust be misconstrued due to my feelings of loneliness? It’s all just so weird because I’ve been dealing with raw feelings for 29 days; I was so used to drinking my feelings away so now I’m dealing with and learning about them for the first time.


Hello! Thank you for your honesty. In thinking about this I feel perhaps you are dealing with some loneliness and you aren’t used to dealing with this since you have been sober. I think it is important to spend some time on working on your self and your new found sobriety. Congratulations! That is something very hard to achieve. Keep up the good work. As far as for your feelings for these two men I would say be very careful and tread lightly. You don’t want to risk your heart and your sobriety on casual relationships that in the end just may break your heart. Take this time to focus on you and your children and fill your times of loneliness with constructive activities that bring you joy. If you are happy you will radiate that and when the time comes, your Mr. Right will be there. Much well wishes and success to you.


@HyruleGiGi first of welcome to the community and I am honored that your first post response was on my post and with such positive feedback.

This statement is very true. I have been feeling extremely lonely and it’s been worse than when I wasn’t drinking because I never dealt with it. I keep trying to think of things to do to help with the loneliness and truthfully all I have right now is work and this community. And outside of that it’s hard trying to fix or ignore the loneliness, but I have been keeping up with my sobriety.

I definitely have been staying a distance from both especially my children’s father due to I know that will definitely end in heartbreak as it has many times before. I told him that I didn’t want to continue because of how things went before and he responded as expected…with a simple “ok.” The other guy seems standoffish. I really don’t know why and I have million assumptions about it, but I’m not feeding into them and it’s not necessary to because his distance is exactly what I need so I can focus on my children, myself, and my goals. It is hard to find constructive activities because I often self isolate and I am still trying to work on that. I thank you so much for your kind word and amazing advice.


Thank you for welcoming me to this amazing community! I love it already and I’m glad I took the plunge and joined.

I think you are on the right track as far as working on yourself and your sobriety. As far as constructive activities to beat loneliness, maybe a hobby you once did or perhaps try a new hobby. For myself I enjoy tinkering around with art and being creative, music, spending time outside in nature, working out, reading and if course gaming lol. You are on a journey of discovering a new you, a sober you. Don’t be afraid of self reflection and trying to find who you are and what you like. Keep an open mind. You never know what you may find :slight_smile: Looking forward to hearing updates from you.

From someone who cares,


First of all, congratulations on your sobriety! I hope today goes well, and tomorrow, and the day after that. Just keep counting one day at a time!

Feeling new feelings is rough. I went off my antidepressants earlier this year (under my doctor’s care), and it took me a good couple months to figure out what to do with a full range of emotions. It’s a scary time of change, and it’s natural to look for easy coping mechanisms, but it’s awesome that you haven’t returned to drinking.

It’s natural to want sex and companionship. You have history with both these guys, having gone to school with one and had your kids with the other, so it feels “safe” to go back to them and dream of relationships with them. That’s not unusual–I know of women who sometimes pine after their abusive exes, and I had on-and-off relationships with a couple women in the past.

Just because you don’t want feelings for these guys won’t make the feelings disappear, but wanting to stand on your own is really healthy and good. That probably means you’ll have to stop having sex with them though, and limit or stop spending time with them. At least in my case, “just friends” didn’t work. What did work for me was the conscious decision that I would take a break from dating until I thought I was ready. In my case, that was 6 months. That’s a decision you have to be ready to make though. You won’t want to do it if someone says you should, and it’s not constructive if you spend your time resenting it and waiting for it to end.

To @HyruleGiGi’s point on constructive hobbies, when is the last time you did something just for yourself or your family? I understand self-isolation, but there are things you can do that don’t involve other people. I didn’t master woodworking or get that perfect beach bod or any of that eat-pray-love kind of stuff; but I did start taking more walks with my dog, I learned how to go out to eat all by myself, and I spent time tinkering with my classic car (which is now in better hands :slightly_frowning_face: ) I don’t know how old your twins are, but my favorite childhood memories were taking walks around the neighborhood at dusk and catching toads in a bucket, and my parents loved watching us have so much fun too :slight_smile: It could be a simple start!