Update fighting with loneliness

[Ezra]

Some of you guys here have read my recent posts, and I wanted to give an update on my progress and current status. (Background: dealing with friends, rejection etc)

I have learnd quite a bit about the dynamics of my paranoia being alone and making up conspiracies how my friends do reject me and exclude me from activities. I have seen that they don’t do it on purpose, and that usually there is always a good reason for not answering me, which I identified before als ignoring. So I do easier with identifying when I get paranoid and try to find ways around it.

Still I do suffer from the fact, that it is always me reaching out for them, and they never reach out for me. There are weird dynamics within the group I do not understand, because noone really tells me what is going on, so I still have the feeling of not really being part of that group.

I tried to openly talk with the “leader” of our group, the women, that whole community is built around, and asked her if I was too pushy or intrusive - and I hade the feeling she was avoiding to give an open answer, telling me I was always welcome etc.

I am aware that I am fishing for attention, people reaching out for me, and I just cannot accept the fact, that noone really has that desire, just to ask me proactive how I was doing, showing some interest in me. And it disturbes me that I need that attention, that it hurts me, if I don’t get it.

I suppose that also that I always try to hang around in that community, being present all the time actually is kinda intrusive and pushy, even if I get told it wasn’t so. I noticed things, that I don’t get greeted any more, and not really know how to deal with that.

My feelings tell me that it made no difference if I was there or not - and that it made no change if I’d leave at all. I doubt they’d really notice, or even would reach out for me.

A friend suggested that I should also try other communities, where I can build up new friendships, to not only rely on one group. The idea is good, but I am kinda scared of it, as I actually want to be there, and I enjoy the time with my frinds, once we are in conversations, there is actually noone else I feel close to, and consider them as family. I should add, that I am home alone most of the time, and I do not have any verbal or visual contact to other people.

I do not have that extreme attacks as I had before a few other days, where my paranoia of rejection was that strong, that I was crying and wishing to die, but still I have that feeling that I am more a burden to others than I really contribute to their lifes.

I also know that by the support I am giving here sometimes, I can help people with my insights, with my point of view, and it feels good to help, if I am able to, and the positive reactions to that are also good. I also notice that when people from this community reach out for me to ask how I was doing - but less because they really seek for my companianship but more of the worry, that I was doing fine - if I give the feedback, that I am doing fine, noone is reaching out for me.

I doubt there is really much I can do about it. I cannot force others to seek my companianship, it seems the only chance I have is to accept it. I just don’t know how to deal with the pain that comes along with it. If there is a way, to either overcome it, or live with it.

I am so f*cking tired of fighting the pain.

[Micro]

Dear @Ezra,

From someone who has a hard time with trust, relationships, communication in general, I find that online interactions are very specific too. A huge part of our language is also physical, and when you can’t see it every time you interact with someone (despite video conversations), it gets easier to overanalyze everything if you already feel insecure with yourself.

There are two things in what you said: the question of knowing is your intuition would be right or wrong in this specific situation, but also the very fact that your mind is focused on understanding what others are expressing to you (through their words, attitudes, behaviors). For the second, in my humble opinion, learning to embrace your own company could be something interesting to try to work on. Especially since you have time off work right now. It’s also about learning to build some confidence for yourself, so your mind gets less triggered by others behavior. So you can stay grounded despite the uncertainties that may arise. Again, this kind of thing takes time though. Be patient with yourself, friend.

Personally, if I’m out of myself, if I’m assuming a role, if I’m connected one way or another to this world and others, I can function and be okay-ish. But the moment I start to be connected to myself only, I feel trapped and stuck in the worst places of my mind.

I really think that it’s a major point of recovery too. A huge part of our life is about being social and interacting, that’s true. And that requires a lot of work and things to learn. But another part is also about learning to live with ourselves, breaking the walls between us and ourselves. Which is, I know, a huge, deep, and hard thing to do when we struggle to see any value in ourselves. It’s super scary. Though you deserve care, attention, love and respect from yourself too. What could be your own definition of self-care in the present circumstances right now? How to create habits and an environment that would bring a sense of safety when you are only by yourself? The other side of seeking companionship - a lot - is feeling insecure with ourselves. Which steps could you try to take to change that? This could be, maybe, discussed with your therapist or even a coach.

About your situation with your friends in this community specifically, it sounds that your intuition tells you something too. I get that it’s hard to identify if it’s your paranoia speaking for you or if your gut feeling is right. Though, based on what you described, it sounds like you did what you had to: going to them, addressing the problem - if there’s one, trying to make sure that all is okay. That is more than what a lot of people would do. But still this uneasy feeling remains. For what it’s worth, I’ve known situations when I was a bother just for being around some places. And I could tell that whether I keep being me or take some distance, the situation wouldn’t change. We can’t be appreciated by everyone, or not necessarily by the people we’d like to. There’s still an alchemy that needs to happen.

Truth is, the way someone reacts, interacts, treats you, or decides to face an issue or not, is about them. Not you. You are not a burden. It’s about their discomfort, their perception of you, their insecurities, their decisions, their capacity to address the situation with you or not. If you think that there is a problem but they are not honest about it, then unfortunately you can’t force them. Especially since you did all the things you had to (if not more) to make sure that all is okay for everyone, to create some understanding but before anything to communicate. You’ve been vulnerable, honest, true to yourself and others. Oftentimes, people don’t like facing discomfort and discussing it. They’re afraid to create arguments, to be rejected, to make someone feel rejected, etc. Being honest can push someone to be in a tough position and avoidance can feel easier, even if it often makes things worse in my opinion.

I’m sorry the situation is like this with them. You’re really not a burden. Some people can make you feel like you are, but you’re not. If there is truly an issue, in this context it’s about them and their capacity to discuss. As you said before, you don’t have any problem discussing openly. It’s not the case of everyone though. In the end, we’re all human and handle situations differently.

I do not have that extreme attacks as I had before a few other days, where my paranoia of rejection was that strong, that I was crying and wishing to die, but still I have that feeling that I am more a burden to others than I really contribute to their lifes.

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better on this matter. Though, feeling like being a burden and being anxious about it is a deep feeling. And again, all of this takes time, friend. Something I am still learning while being in this community is that someone contributes to others lives first and foremost by being themselves and because they exist. Not because of what they do or say. Easier to believe it for others than me, but it’s still good to remind ourselves of those fundamental truths from time to time. You have worth and value because you are unique, because you are you. Your kindness, your generosity, your thoughtfulness are all extra-bonus to those who have the chance to know you.

I am so f*cking tired of fighting the pain.

I am so sorry you were that tired when you posted. I feel that, a thousand times. And if I could replace your pain with restoration and healing right now I’d do it instantly.

Maybe take some time to enjoy a bit of nature outside. Take some time to breathe. To enjoy simple things, simple treasures and blessings of daily life. You have breath in your lungs my friend. This is your most powerful strength. There is a world of possibilities ahead of you, around you. Allow yourself to rest when you need it. Explore your environment in ways you didn’t before. And keep in mind that you have friends right here to stand by your side, always. Healing is not a race, we all know that. And we’ll keep following your own pace. We all are a work in progress. And that is okay.

Take care.

[Ezra]

It has been a few days since I posted this, and there had been some progress too. Sometimes it feels like a constant therapy training I am going through, but I try to openly understand what is going on.

I managed to get more relaxed among my friends, giving up some of that suspition which was getting along with my paranoia. I tried not to force on talks and tried to act friendly and understanding. And it got better - I do not really understand how. People acted more openly towards me, asking me questions on what I was doing right now.

I compforted a friend for a bit who had bad job-related news, and she reacted extreamly positive to that and gave me a feedback, that really made my day und pushed me in a positive way. I felt acknowledged on an emotional level, which was a new experiance here.

I am trying to have less expectations, reduce to show my desire for attention, and this somehow led to more quality talks. I am also able again to flirt on a low level again, and make friendly mockinging jokes, which I wasn’t able to do for a few weeks - and feels like an imrovement.

There are down times inbetween, sure, but not as deep as before. I am able to do a bit work at home, as I get calmer, but I try not to overdo it.

The pain is still there, I do recognize it daily. but it has less influence on me. There is some progress, and I hope I keep progressing.