I’ve been busy and it’s getting to me. I feel weak and constantly sick but somehow I know I’m better than I was…mentally? I think I know what’s causing it, its me having feelings for someone. Recently I’ve started to fall for my manager, though he’s more like the boss. He makes everything better just by the small things. He’s kind, handsome, chubby 
, funny, compassionate, and really down to earth. If I’m having a bad day he always makes it better, idk if it’s on purpose though.
I remember one day I was having bad cramps at work and I really wanted chocolate and next thing I know he’s asking everyone if they want a chocolate bar. Even if I get a small injury he’s checking on me in a second, asking if I’m ok or not. He’s kinda like that with my coworkers but not as much, even if I make a face of slight pain he asks. I enjoy it though, is that bad? It feels really nice to have someone to care about me. Like today I was stressed over my tests and I show up to work feeling terrible and tired and 30 minutes later I smell cinnamon and pastry, he made some cinnamon sticks. It was amazing, he alawys makes me want to be a better person. When I’m around him I can’t tell lies, something about him makes me feel like I can trust him. Since I have trust issues it says a lot. I don’t trust people with my feelings or my honesty in fear they’ll let me down and,or leave me. With him I have no problem at all.
Ofcourse there’s a downside to him, he’s too good to be true. He’s nearly 28 and I’m 17. I know he doesn’t feel the same way as I do, but I don’t care. Just being like this makes me feel better even if its only for a couple hours over other day. It’s a small distraction from the hell that I face at school and “home”. He’s my escape from all the pressure of just having to go to college right after HS and criticism from my peers for being different.
Now that I type this I realize I’ve really improved. I can accept compliments, I found my love in art again, I listen to the bands I used to love and mix it with my new interests, and I feel tired but I feel somewhat better. I do wear a lot of makeup, no longer out of necessity but for the art. I love messing with the colors that go with my darker skin and i find it funny a lot of people thought my skin was natural clear. I may be falling for a lost cause, but my personal self seems much better bc of it.
I’m proud of you for opening up and trusting us! I’m so glad you’ve found someone that you trust that can physically be there for support. It’s so nice to see you doing better - keep trying. You got this. We are all here rooting for you.
Hold fast
Kayla
This is awesome that you’re finding so many positive things about how you’ve changed over this past season of your life – sounds like you’re really starting to find some of your confidence and hope. I’m happy you’re feeling more capable to face what you have to face because it shows you’re getting stronger! Stinks about the manager – but maybe instead of feeling like you need to take it to a romantic level, you can just enjoy the love that he is showing you…it’s probably like the love from a father you wish that you had growing up, ya know? Someone who cares about you, takes care of you, notices you, etc. Maybe instead of taking it to a romantic level, just appreciate the love that he is showing you and leave it at that. Might be helpful instead of letting your heart grow sick over the longing, let it just fill up because of the love.
Good. I’m glad things are good for you. Hope it keeps up.