Update: realizations, happy times, anxiety

[Amaris]

This post is just a really long update

Firstly, my friendship has been going surprisingly well. It’s like my attachment and separation anxiety never existed. I’m comfortable in not talking for a while but when we talk again, it’s just all good!

They reassure me without even asking, like they could read my mind in a way. We lift each other up and I can finally be comfortable just talking about whatever. I CAN SEND DOUBLE QUADRUPLE PARAGRAPHS IN A ROW AND SHE’LL STILL READ THEM AND RESPOND when she has time of course.

We’ve both been really busy, but the bond is growing. I feel like I can trust again.

Today I went to restaurant before my highschool graduation ceremony tomorrow. So many of my many family members were there and they all bought me cards and flowers. I got like 5 bouquets of flowers hahaha

My aunt’s husband got a custom made cake for me. I told them I wanted to get into forensics and the picture will be attached to this posts so you can see it!!! (TW BlOOD!!) Just in case, even though its fake

My mother is very critical about what I like and what I want to be. She hated stuff thay had to deal with death and she actually made me believe that no one else would supporr me on this. But they saw they cake and everyone was so happy for me.

And I love my mom but she’s had me all anxious and self conscious for no reason. I get scared that people will judge me because of something because my mom is the one telling me I should be ashamed of it.

I keep reminding her not to project on to me her likes and dislikes because I’m not a pet or a cloning projection gone wrong. I’m a human with different thoughts and feelings.

But on the bright side, she started being a little more accepting. Somehow I still have grudges against her. She really hurt me emotionally in childhood and I know I’ll never be able to get that back or fix things that already happened but that still bothers me. But I have to move on probably…

Anyways the last thing I wanted to mention was that I’m really nervous about my graduation ceremony and I know I should feel free but this freedom scares me.

I didn’t have enough time to integrate the child part of me into my adult self cause of trauma. I’m fragmented and I often switch between the two states being. I just don’t feel ready to be a functioning adult yet despite wanting to be. Sometimes I feel like a fraud and it makes me frustrated

Life is beautiful but also very scary…!

20220524_212015|375x500

[Wings]

@Amaris

Sometimes I feel like a fraud and it makes me frustrated

Even the most successful people on the planet deal with those feelings from time to time. It’s especially challenging when coming from a dysfunctional past.

Regarding the child and adult part, both need fulfillment. It may help to designate a specific amount of time to allow the child to be expressed. Then it will probably be a bit easier to shift into adult mode, as the child is less likely to be nagging you. It’s important that the child exists in a guilt free zone, even if she’s having a tantrum, as long as you allow it to be expressed in a harmless way. Adulting can be laced with a bit of the child’s input from time to time. We need our inner child. The child adds interest, humor, curiosity, creativity, empathy and more.

The truth is, you’re anything but a fraud. I can tell by your writing that you have a lot going for you.

Graduation means significant change. Take a few days to chill before diving into the next phase of your life. Change is scary for most of us. I know you can handle it though. You’ve already transformed yourself, just in the time I’ve known you.

Congratulations on all the positive progress and understanding.

That cake is a hoot!

[Aces]

Hallos! First of all well done for graduating! It’s amazing how good of a bond you have with you’re a new friend. That’s impressive honestly being able to read huge texts and still respond to them that’s a good friend right there. I never had a good relationship with my old adopted mum and dad so I can relate when having a tough childhood. It’s good to see that she’s being more justifiable to you and letting you do a lot more with your life than what she might have let you when you were younger.

@Amaris

I’m a human with different thoughts and feelings.

I agree with you’re point here she can’t really force you to be what she wants you to be. She needs to realize that she needs to let you do what makes you happy. I’m glad a lot of you’re family is supportive of your passion. In all honesty, I didn’t know what that job was until this post.

@Amaris

Life is beautiful but also very scary…!

Exactly but you should never let the scary times overcome your happy times. Don’t let the dark side overcome your light side. But sometimes having scary parts of life is good otherwise it might become a more boring life. You’re loved , valued and respected. Aces