Why hello there! It’s been a long while since I’ve been on! Got reminded about a past thing, and decided to hop on to re-read some past posts and replies and such. And then I decided, eh fuck it, let’s get an update out there. So, here I am! (Warning, this is extremely lengthy. So buckle up, folks!)
So, for starters, I thought I’d elaborate and update on one of my last posts on here, “self worth learning experience and vent” (or something along those lines). I believe you can still find that post on my profile, so I recommend going through that first if you’d like the proper context.
So first off, my complete coverage of context regarding that situation and general wording in that post were not that great, I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I did my best to explain that situation as objectively as I could! And for my abilities at that time, I think I did good! However, what I failed to explain was that I believe the behavior I talked about doing there (whether you want to call it exaggeration of emotions or mild manipulation or whatever- honestly I’ll just put it bluntly and call it guilt tripping behaviors because I don’t want to shy away from the truth there), it was an ongoing pattern that I believe I had been doing for years before I even met those friends. I do believe that the pain my behavior was causing had been slowly building over the year or two I was with them, and that the situation I described in that post was merely the catalyst for the fallout.
However, I’d also like to point out that I was unaware of how my actions were impacting others, and nobody in that group pointed things out to me. There were no prior attempts to reasonably address my behavior and communicate with me. In fact, in the weeks following the fallout, I remember realizing that nobody seemed to talk to each other if they had an issue with somebody. I actually recall one of them explicitly saying “I’m good at faking good terms”. Y e a h . . .
Does that excuse my behavior? Does that make me in the right there? Hell no!! Like them or not, my actions still hurt them, and I will forever agree that the pain they felt because of me was completely valid. I feel as if we all could’ve handled things better there.
Also, remember when I said “I was over them” and “I’m just now getting back over them”? Yeah, that was a lie. It was what I really, really wanted, but was far from achieving. Still not completely over it, not gonna lie. Probably never will be. I like to say that I’ve moved forward, not moved on. And it actually took me an entire year to reach that point.
Part of that was normal processing time, but I think a majority of it was the fact that this whole ordeal was not over yet. I’m warning ya now, this is a somewhat lengthy story.
I was staying in touch with a couple friends from there, and I was hopping into a voice chat call with one of them fairly often. Multiple times a week. During one of those calls (this was about a month or so after the initial fallout, if I recall correctly), my friend informs me that there were a couple accounts on tiktok harassing the ex-friend group, and that the group thought that me and my friend were behind those. Now, I fully understand why they were quick to assume that I was the culprit here. I mean c’mon! I hurt them, they saw me as a bad person, and the fallout was still fresh on everybody’s mind. But to then drag my friend into this? They were barely active on the server by the time everything happened, and to be quite honest, I don’t think they really knew many of the details. Not only that but, I genuinely cannot see that friend stooping that low and being so petty. Either way, I can confirm that I was not behind those accounts, and I trust that my friend wasn’t either. Never found who did any of that. And admittedly, I do feel bad for that friend, because I feel as though their reputation got tarnished a bit just by being friends with me. Anyway, we’ve naturally grown apart and stopped talking since then, and I believe that things between us were left on good terms.
Then, there’s the other friend, who I still talk to today! They weren’t in the server when everything happened, so they really didn’t know much. However, they were still in contact with the group. That didn’t really matter for a long while, surprisingly. But one day, that friend got a ping in a server (presumably public for others to see), from the same person who sent me the “bye 
” message, and the message to my friend said something along the lines of “I’m done with you”, and then they were blocked. That person loves announcing when somebody’s blocked, huh? Anyway, that understandably confused and upset my friend. According to them, this message was sent out of the blue with no context. They seemed distressed, saying that they wanted to talk with this person because they didn’t even know what they did wrong! Eventually the person did unblock my friend, and it seems like they did manage to get some semblance of conflict resolution out of it, which is good. Though, later I did learn that when the group found out about the fact that my friend was still talking to me, they did try to get my friend to cut ties, and did try to tell them that I was manipulative and such. And that’s understandable, but I was upset to realize that I will always be a bad person that’s incapable of change in their eyes.
Since then though, I believe that friend ended up having a falling out of their own with that group, and I tried my best to help them when they came to me about those people.
And yeah. That’s about it for that. Haven’t heard about them, or from them since. And as for me, I feel confident when I say that the lessons I learned from that, and the steps I took to improve, have been both valuable and effective. I feel confident when I say that I believe that the friend groups I currently have, are stable, and that I trust them. Which-- that is huge for me by the way. Very proud that I can say that and believe that. And I also believe that that is mostly due to the fact that I learned to improve my communication skills. They aren’t perfect by any means-- words are SO HARD sometimes istg-- but compared to before, I feel that I really have improved quite a lot!!
Hmmm, what else…
Well- recently some tensions have been building between me and my mom. Arguments were had, some conflicts still unresolved. Things happened for many reasons, and I don’t wish to get too deep into those right now. But I will say that I’m 19, so it definitely makes sense for us to be butting heads sometimes. Thankfully, we’re decent for now, though. It’s been over a month since our last argument, and this morning she announced that she bought tickets for us both to go see the Barbie movie (despite not asking me first and narrowly avoiding a scheduling conflict smh /lh). So I do have that to look forward to tomorrow.
However, because of our conflicts, I have been purposely spending more time away from home. I’ve actually been writing all of this outside at a picnic table by a pond, and I had to pause for a moment because it started raining not too long ago. On the one day I didn’t bring my umbrella too smh. I took shelter under a weeping willow tree, and it didn’t do anything more than drizzle for a little bit, thankfully.
(Mom literally just texted me saying that she just got me a watermelon flavoured Monster. Fuck yeah!!!)
Anyway, back on track lmao. So I’ve been away from home much more often. I would try to resolve conflicts with communication and all, but due to the reasons that I don’t want to mention today, I feel as if that won’t work at this time. And besides, like I said, I’m 19, it’s about time for me to become more independent anyway. And also, this has been one hell of a motivator to work towards college. Gotta have something to do if I’m gonna be away from the house all day, right?
Oh yeah! I’m doing the college thing by the way! It’s a little more complicated for me than I imagine it being for the average person, as I never made it past 10th grade. Mental health went to shit, and traditional schooling doesn’t work so well for me. Thankfully though, there’s a community college campus that’s about a 9 minute drive from home, and they have options for people in my type of situation!! I reached out last week to somebody that was listed on the website, to try and ask about what I needed to do, but I haven’t heard back yet, sadly.
However, there is an issue with all of this. Uhm… I can’t drive. I mean, I can– I took diver’s ed, I got my full license, the knowledge and confidence was there before!.. But-- uh-- I may not have been practicing nearly enough.
There is a plan, and there are options though!! First off, I’ve been planning on practicing at least twice a week, and my goal is to have the confidence to drive down to the campus and back, all without having a nervous breakdown in the middle of the road. And I hope to have that accomplished by the end of this month. The knowledge is there, it’s purely the confidence that I lack. Driver’s anxiety sucks, but I overcame it once within a month, I can do this again.
However, in the scenario where this plan fails, and I can’t do that by the time college starts, there are still options. The main company that does the public bus routes around here actually has an on demand service! It’ll be more inconvenient than driving, definitely, but it seems like it’ll be more convenient than taking the bus. And honestly, even if I can drive by that point, I may still use that service during the winter, because the roads get super snowy and icy here. But yeah! I have some semblance of a plan for all of that!
I think that’s where I’ll leave this off for now, cuz it’s already wayyyyyy too long lmao. But yeah. I learned a lot of things since I was last here. About my life, about my past, about me… and honestly, there’s still a lot I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even fully know who I am! I just exist here! The best plan I have for progressing my life right now is literally just “throw yourself into it and whatever happens, happens”! And that’s working well enough for me so far!
But yeah…
Oh! Before I go, take this! The song I’m linking there really struck a… chord with me, because I feel that it perfectly embodies everything I’ve been feeling lately about society and how I feel I’ve been treated in my the past. Perhaps others can relate, and maybe this can be as validating for somebody else as it was for me.
“Obscene expectations is the most toxic form of pride. So why should I deserve to more with my life…?”
(Also, it’s got a groovy saxophone solo in there that’s super fun to dance to! It’s a win-win!)
Also, have some neat clouds! I spotted some last week that looked like ocean waves, and there’s no better word to describe the last picture other than “heavenly”.
Thank you for reading this very lengthy ramble to the end. Hope you all have a lovely day/night/life. Stay safe out there!