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Urge To End Myself Keep Coming Back, I Don't Know What to do

Hey there, I doubt anyone would notice but I wrote a status here a few months back in February. At that time I recently had a mental breakdown that really made me recosidering to commit suicde, but I was too scared and ended up seeking mental shelter more and more in my sleep and dreams. Then I had a dream that gave me some hope for the future, that might seem like I’m stupidly grasping for straws, but I really thought that I had a chance of getting better. For a while I thought I a doing well, I tried to stay positive in this faculty that I really don’t have passion to.
But slowly the spell seems to be fading away, and I found myself in the dark again. With my grades not improving too its really getting into me.
I found myself staring at my wrist, pills on my table, and I even wrote a few drafts of suicide notes on my sketch books. I tried distract myself with my art, my hobby, but it feels really heavy to do so.

I’m sorry that my words are jumbled up
I can’t think too straight, I just want to shut off and fade away

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Hey. I’m so sorry you)re suffering like this. I’ve been there in that dark place, and I was thinking about doing what you’re thinking about doing. And I’m not really over it. I’m still in that place now, so I’m not even sure if I’m one to talk. But please, just stop for a moment. Just try to think of something besides those dark thoughts. It’ll feel impossible. After a couple minutes of just doing this, you’ll probably want to give up in frustration. But eventually you’ll think of more pleasant things. Because your brain will just give up on thinking those things because it doesn’t want to. YOU don’t want to. You don’t want to feel this way, so by taking just 15 minutes, you can think of something, even just one thing besides those dark thoughts. And keep thinking of things like that. Do things that make you think of other things. Your brain won’t be able to think that way for long, so allow your mind to think of other things. I don’t know if that made sense, but what I’m saying is you really have to make an effort to clear your mind. Because even temporary happiness isn’t far away if you really go out of your way to look for. And if that doesn’t work, PLEASE SEEK SUPPORT. I can’t stress that enough. If it gets to the point where you’re really serious, go seek help. Call a suicide hotline, go to your local emergency room, tell a close friend you really trust, anything that’ll help you stop. I don’t want you to feel this way, and neither does anybody else. We want you to be happy, and we’ll do anything we can to help.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Please stay safe. We all love you so much.

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Thank You for your reply, that really means a lot to me
Thankfully I haven’t tried anything yet, even the thought came to my head, I tried my best to get the things that gave me those thoughts out of my sight. I tried to talk to my friends from time to time but I am afraid they would feel very uncomfortable with it and so I limited it. My parents on the other hand… I tried talking about this to them in my last breakdown in February but they preceived me as being weak and ungrateful to God. Again… I’m trying and I am really hoping the future would get better but it’s really getting into me.

And to you, my friend, thank you once again for the reply
You are probably going through the same thing if not worst things than me and I really envy that you are still able to reply this to me. You seem like a very strong person, you really deserve better and I wish you the best of luck for the future.

Love You

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It’s rough when you have no one that you can REALLY talk to. I wasn’t far from where you were. I made an immediate appointment with my doctor and told him everything. He prescribed some meds and arranged counseling for me. It’s not a fast acting miracle cure, but the progress is consistent. I sometimes even feel happy.

I strongly recommend giving this a try. An honest ‘all in’ try. You won’t regret it, my friend.

Here’s to wishing you an end of pain and the beginning of happiness; even if it takes a little time.

God bless.

Your friend, Superskunk

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I wish I could say that I could immediately seek counseling like but even though I am an adult, my parents still has control over when and where do I go, that includes needs for medical bills. I had to ask them which I did in my last breakdown but they didn’t think like it’s a big deal and say that it’s all in my head and that I need to strengthen my faith to God and such.

My friends, this place, and the rest of the internet are the closest thing to counseling for me.

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Hey @Uzu,

I read everything and I’m sorry your parents are not more understanding regarding your situation and how you feel. If it can be of some comfort, know that a lot of people in this community can certainly relate to how you feel and we’ll never judge you for dealing with those suicidal thoughts.

Do you think it could be possible at least to see your doctor, even if you had to ask your parents? As for trying to involve your family doctor as a third party. Or eventually, a counselor at school? Someone who could try to explain to your parents that this isn’t about being strong or weak, nor your faith or dedication to God, but receiving proper care and support during a difficult season of your life. It’s only a suggestion though, no pressure and no obligation. Just trying to see if there could be some alternative paths for you in order to receive the support you need and/or make your parents understand what this is about.

Also, how are you doing these days? :sunflower:

Take care friend. You are loved. :hrtlegolove: