Vent Post #2: i want to "grow up".. but it feels impossible

[rayofsunn8096]

i hate being “an adult”… no seriously i do. i’m 19 & i have the mental age of a 12 year old (more on this later…).

my dad has been pushy about what i’m gonna do for money, which is obviously understandable because i do need to make money at some point (& it sounds fabulous), but the way he implies it makes me uncomfortable & a bit worried. to his logic, apparently… no matter if you like doing it or not, if it doesn’t pay enough then what’s the point in doing it. i get what he’s saying in a way, but…

i’m a artist; i make abstract or highly stylized drawings. i also used to do paintings, photography & some creative writing. there’s other things i’d like to get into or at least try like video editing/films & creative make-up, though i’m not sure if these will be part of my career, they may just become fun hobbies of mine.

with that being said… sadly i don’t think my dad approves or appreciates my creative spirit. he even told me one time that i’ll never be a artist. being an artist to him isn’t a real job i guess… it’s either go to college or just get employed to work. & honestly, i really don’t want to do that… working grueling hours , rotting at a desk/counter for 60+ years at a job that doesn’t fulfill me in any way sounds like hell on earth. i need a job/career that’s going to fulfill me mentally, emotionally & spiritually… & that’s going to be a creative career. it’s what makes me happy. i’ve sold some work before so i know if i did it before then i can do it again.

but i don’t know… should i continue pursuing & exploring what i love or should i just listen to my dad & do something that isn’t going to make me feel good at all? i kind of wished my parents would guide me more. they have no problem saying that i’m spoiled but they expect me to have everything down right out of the gate. not only am i lost but i also have a lot trauma & anxiety that i carry. my depression doesn’t help anything either. it’s hard to stay motivated when there’s this thing inside of me that constantly tells me awful things whilst draining my energy & life out of me.

i just wish i could talk to someone about it… i know i need help but i can’t get it because my family isn’t very empathetic. i feel like if they found out that their child is “mentally sick” it’ll just give them an excuse to criticize & belittle me more. & i can’t imagine getting through life very well without this professional help.

i just wish i could grow up. i should be grown but i still feel very underdeveloped… my heart, brain & soul are completely rotted from my past & what my family has done & said to me. & there’s no one to blame but me… it’s my fault. everything is my fault… or at least that’s what my family always says. all the bad things happen only when i’m around, like i’m a curse to everyone i meet. i want to grow & heal but it’s impossible in this state. i’ll always be a sad, deeply isolated 12 year old that no one cared for, liked or loved, no matter how physically old i get, because that’s basically when i stopped growing.

it’ll always be my fault…

p.s… i wish i could make a tag that says “i-need-hugs” …

[ManekiNeko]

Hey rayofsunn! I know sometimes people in our parents generation don’t quite understand just how social media has grown in the art community. I see so much art on my instagram FY page, it’s beautiful and wonderful! They all have links to YouTube, to fan subscription pages, twitch etc. there’s a lot of platforms to work with, and it may take time to build a steady following, but it’s not impossible.
I know that there may be a need to have another part time job on the side to subsidies your art, but again not completely impossible.

I love seeing your passion for your art, it really shines even from this post. The world needs the creative souls that see and express things that others deeply relate to.

I’m so sorry to hear that your family isn’t empathetic to mental health struggles. It does sound like you’re just needing that support and someone in your corner.

If it’s something you’re interested in Heart Support offers a 7 day free trial at Better Help
I know it’s not long term, but it could be a stepping stone to lead to the right direction. They might be able to provide further resources for you.

I really hope you know that your passion is so valid!

I’m not great at art, but you are the teddy and I’m the one hugging you

[DustintheWind]

Hey there rayofsunn8096 I wanna give you the biggest virtual hug there is

I’m sorry that you feel like you are trapped in a world where you cannot fully do what you want and make a living from it but we live in a digital world now and nothing is stopping you from trying. So many artists are on social media platforms doing nothing more than sharing photos of their art and videos of them creating art and they are getting thousands or millions of views and subscribers. That path is far from easy or immediate but it is a good option especially if you pursue it while working another job to “pay the bills” while you enjoy your hobbies and attempt to make them work for you.

I would suggest not getting a job you would hate though. Find something that doesn’t take a lot of strain for you like a grocery store or a coffee shop or something outdoors. Something lowkey that you could enjoy and would give you plenty of free time to rest and keep working on your art. I hope that you find a path that works for you so that you can “grow up” the way that you want to instead of how others tell you to.

Good luck and please feel free to share your art here anytime