Edit/after note: I’ve calmed down. I got triggered and whatnot. I don’t curse often but when it comes to this, I can’t think long enough for an intelligent sounding word so it all comes out as obscenities. I’m not too hopeful for the future.
***TW: SA, SH, suicide
I wish I could get out of this whispering nightmare. I can’t face myself in the mirror. How filthy I must be. How guilty I am. How spoiled I was and am. I can’t speak, I can’t cry. It hurts so bad but my throat is closed.
I was eight when you broke my heart. I was eight when I was eaten by another. You said you read those messages. I really am filthy. How many people…? Four.
One, Gold sexted often.
Two, that person who only came on for gratification, satisfaction, I was nine. How many times? 5 at least.
Three, I forgot your name, you made me do it all day.
Four, you. You disgrace to life and humanity. I despise you the most. I hate you so much, SO FUCKING MUCH. GET OUT OF MY HEAD ALREADY. Four, you broke my heart several times, you told me how you were going to kill yourself, how you cut yourself, you mocked me, you hurt me, you laughed at me, you triggered me, you made me fuck you, you made me look at porn, you made me look things up for you, you made me fuck you, you made me fuck you, you made me fuck you, more than 50 times, I fucked you more than 50 times, i hate you, i hate you, I HATE YOU. I DIDNT WANT TO DO IT. I DIDNT WANT TO BUT YOU SAID I HAD TO. YOU SAID I HAD TO PRETEND. YOU TOLD ME HOW TO DO IT. YOU TOLD ME HOW TO SUCK YOUR FUCKING DICK. YOU TOLD ME HOW TO FINGER YOU. YOU TOLD ME EVERYTHING. YOU SHOWED ME HOW TO FINGER SOMEONE ON A VIDEO CALL. I NEVER ASKED. I NEVER ASKED FOR THAT. I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU.
You told me how to act cute. You told me I should act cute to get friends. Hewo :3. You told me it was wrong to be feminine. You told me to be a man. You told me to be a woman. You told me how lucky I am. You told me how to act how you liked. So I changed myself uwu. I started to shave to be like a girl. I let it grow to be like a guy. What do I do? What do I do now?
You told me it was bad to touch myself so I dont. Even if I get an urge, it feels inhuman because that is what you made me. I didnt know what i was doing but it must be bad if you said no, right? Right? I told you because you have all the answers. But it’s wrong. It’s all wrong. I’m so filthy. You made me read hentai manga and laughed at it. You commented on my lap. “Oh, daddy, I want to sit on your lap.” Some shit like that. Took pictures of my ass though I was clothed. Sent me sexual pictures from who the hell knows, minor or adult.
Five. You harassed me, “sucks dick,” how do you want me to react? Confessed after a week about how you adored me so much <3. Talked about porn. Made me uncomfortable yet I stayed until I denied your confession because I loved Four so much. Then you ignored me. How awful I felt. I wanted the attention, even if it meant I was getting hurt. And hey, maybe I’d get fucked for once instead of the other way around. I dont want any of that. I hate my fingers.
Six. The nurse. That spiteful nurse. Took a picture of my body with her phone ^u^. It was so painful where she was touching. So rough. It hurt so bad that I was flinching uncontrollably, crying spastically. You took a picture of my crotch with your personal phone. Every part of it. Ass and everything. Does it satisfy you? How old was I? 12? 13? You deleted it. When you left, I cried. I cried to my parent who couldnt do anything. I cried because I was violated. But that’s too feminine, right? It’s too feminine to have feelings and to slightly like the color pink.
Seven. I dont remember your name and that frustrates me. You made me send nudes. “Can you also take a picture of your ass?” Wow, dont i have a great body, one for everyone else to toy with? I hope youre happy. I hope I make your day every single damn day.
Eight. Old man, youll die soon. Maybe I can crash your funeral since you really liked that firm waist of mine, have my ass while youre at it. Grabbed my waist, “excuse me bud.” Bitch. Let’s get this shit straight. Okay? You dont touch ANYONE regardless of gender. If youre a woman, you shouldnt GRAB little girls by the waist. If youre a man, you shouldnt grab little boys by the waist. You. Do. Not. Touch. Anyone. Minor or adult. I’ll perform a lobotomy on you.
Nine that I remembered. Uncle. What were you going to do? Molest me? I got such a nasty feeling in my stomach when we were alone together. I couldnt see because of the headset. You watched me. You were going to do something bad to me, I know it. Youre slimy, youre slick like a snake. I know what you do, I’ve overheard my parents. You’re a snake.
I’m so tired of my body. Whether I present myself masculine or feminine, it doesn’t matter. People still look at me lustfully, they still touch me. Please leave me alone. Maybe because I have a slightly feminine face? Is it my eyelashes? Is it my lips? Is it because I have a baby face? Why my body- is it because I’m slim? Is it because I have proportionate limbs? Is it because I have a waist? Because I have thighs like any other person? Because I have a butt like any other person? Why?
What is it that is attractive about me? About my body that everyone must have?
I realized something throughout writing this. 1) I have a similar amount of female and male perpetrators. 2) I want to die.
I’ll probably end up abused again. Well, when it comes to it, I’m submissive if it means pain. Ah, but that’s too feminine. I like doing things for the people I love. Anything if it meant their happiness and no pain for me. Someone else can fuck and disgard me for real this time. It’s a trade off that I’ve been groomed into following. I’m desensitized.
I don’t have anything else to say.