I’m not really used to writing on forums or any site but I didn’t know where else to talk about my own personal experiences. (tw self harm & suicide)
It all after I graduated high school, I had a whole friend group 3 best friends that i’ve practically grew up with since middle school. Our dynamic was one of the best - but out of the 3 there was one in particular that I had been friends with since elementary school being one of his first friends in the city. Now we didn’t have much in common but the thing that stood out about us is that we were Asian and loved naruto. After high school I had one of the worst break ups i’ve ever had in my whole life although i was just in high school it was a big deal for me, i’ve felt like I lost one of the best things that has happened to me. People tend to say they would normally get over their first love and that high school relationships don’t count but something about her man I really did love her for who she was as a person and not just a face. We did have our down moments but they never were bad. The most that happened I believe is that I would cry when we argued but she would never fail to try and cheer me up. It was my first real relationship she had her license before me and she would always drive me places and get me food even when her bank account was so low. I believe I made the biggest mistake of my life breaking up with her, and not too long after that I decided to start the dating scene again after 2 months. I used to move on relationships super fast… ive never had a period where I would just be single but moving on. I knew that I was the problem in our relationship. I had trust issues, I was an overthinker, and I jumped to conclusions. Our relationship started going downhill after she got into a car accident taking me home in the middle of the night because at that point I wasn’t comfortable sleeping at someone elses houses… I’ve never had a sleepover besides at my best friends house who we will call Ryu. She dropped me off super upset and then she was speeding home and texting me while she was driving… then she ran into a car. It wasnt fatal or anything like that just a normal car accident i’d say. But the whole incident sparked a hatred for myself… I don’t remember what happened after she told me she got into a car accident because of me but I remember throwing up in the restroom and wanting to kill myself because of it. I was on the brink of falling into a rabbit hole and then I called Ryu who at the time was practicing for our volleyball tournament and driving our teamates home. When I called him I was sobbing saying that I hurt myself and that I needed someone to talk to. He came super fast and I just gave him a big hug when I saw him.I did ended up hurting myself and it left a pretty big scar on my arm. I regret it so much. We did break up because I slowly started losing feelings, and I become more emotionally unavailable. I ended things with her and not long after I started going on tinder which was very funny at the time because Ryu was the one who told I should because he was using it like a mad man. Not long after I met my current girlfriend who we will call Jessica. I love Jessica, but for as long as we have been dating I’ve never felt a true connection with her. Maybe towards the beginning but I am not sure. She has been my longest relationship but god it feels awful especially right now. The reason why we mainly got together was because we had same birthdays and she loved astrology. I spent most of our time dating just learning about astrology and spirituality. Shes very much a red flag… a crazy one I would say. She has researched me top to bottom. She has logged into my instagram and even went on my phone when I was sleeping next to her. She has always made me paranoid but to make things worse she is just friends with guys and men who clearly are attracted to her. I’ve learned to not overthink and be jealous because of her… it drove me mental. I had my fair shares of mix up in our relationship… at one point we even broke up for 2 days and in that time frame I started talking to a co-worker. I know. I have issues I need to work on. But the day of when she decided to end things with me I felt so free. I was able to hang out with Ryu that day and play d&d with some other friends… I told him I wouldn’t go back and if i did to personally beat my ass. But the day went on and all of a sudden I get spammed called and my messages are blowing up saying im sorry and that she couldnt live without me. She tried to overdose after she broke up with me and she told me. I didn’t know how to respond and my response was probably not the best… but it made me feel awful to know someone is going to off-themselves because of me. I took her back but at the same time I was still talking to my co-worker who we’ve been hanging out. It was just a breath of fresh air talking to her… she was like jessica but more calming and comforting. She was elegant and kind… and always asked me what was going on with me because she could sense that I wasn’t present at all. We would go near her house and look up at the stars while jessica was sleeping. It felt surreal laying next to her and looking up at the stars. We never kissed or did anything it was all just hanging out… the tension was there but I never acted on anything. A part of me felt awful doing it but I went through so much with jessica it just felt calming. But in the end I did start dating jessica again… and i never cut of things with my co-worker so she eventually found out about my co-worker. I was punched, shoved, and smacked on for it. There was no excuse it was considered cheating after-all and god did I feel awful. She then broke up with me and I was going to leave… and she told me she was going to k* herself because of what I did to her and that she has no one else but me. I told her to not do that and that I was sorry. I wanted to work things out but she was still enraged and told me to leave. I left and I was having the worst thoughts… thoughts I havent had since the accident with my ex. I texted Ryu that I was going through alot. Prior before the whole incident I dropped out of college, I started smoking pot, and I abandoned my friends and family because my mom was moving to a different state without me. I was all alone basically no set goals, my family wasn’t understanding or there for me, and let alone my mom had her mind on leaving already. So I was alone even if I went back home, I didn’t have a plan for the future because I messed up… I fell in love at the wrong time. So Ryu was already mad at me for not being on call with everyone and sort of ghosting all of my friends. And at the time I lost one of my close friends who has been there for me since middle school… Jessica didn’t like her after meeting her and would always complain until I did eventually unfollow - and ghost her. So Ryu was mad and for very good reasons too - he told me that everyone is going through something and that mine isn’t an excuse. And I was in my car and I was about to OD because I basically lost everything. I lost my friends, My family, and my education. And I did go through with it I put all the pills into my mouth and then as i was about to swallow them. But before they could even hit my stomach Jessica comes walking out and is shocked at what I did and drags me out of the car and makes me throw up. at that point I blacked out and my nose was bleeding. I gained consciousness in her room and she was just sitting there upset and telling me what was I thinking and how she was still mad about me for the co-worker thing. We semi-made up? and eventually did go to the mall but there was still so much tension. And the next couple of days i’d say were THE worst since i’ve been alive. I self harmed so much… I started picking at my skin whenver I get anxious I started smoking even more weed than I ever did in my life and I became addicted. To cut it short We are still dating even now. I cut all ties with my co-workers and switched jobs. Ryu did eventually come to my house in the middle of the night. He was mad at me and I saw how disappointed he was, he brought the other 2 friends who were also worried about me. They texted me at the same time before they came saying how they weren’t happy with me and how I’ve been handling things at the same time. So I told them what has happening in my life, How I almost od’d and how life has been giving me a spanking. So I guess it was their own type of intervention. Ryu looked like the only one who wanted to be there, but he told me what is my problem. Because I’ve been leaving him on delivered after what he told me, it just made me lose my respect if that makes sense. I have been there for all his downs and all the relationships he has been where he felt like he himself was about to end it all. But not once did I ever compare his feelings to the rest of the world and everyone else. I was there for him but when I needed him there for me he wasn’t. So I told him and he was like and about jessica you told me to personally come beat your ass so what. In the end there was no ass beating and we talked it and hugged it out. That was the last time I felt myself to them… our relationship never got better. Ryu eventually got a girlfriend and will be moving back to his home country and the other guys are going to college and have their own responsibilities. I have never felt so low in my life while being in a relationship, jessica then cheated on me with a co-worker to “get me back” for what happened but they were just text flirting im not sure if they did anything. But this co-worker has been a problem for me ever since she started working there… I never trusted him because she would always talk about him. She then cried to me saying how she didnt even like him and though he was ugly and only did it to get even with me. So I stopped caring and everytime I try to leave this relationship everything goes sour and I always end up taking her back. We argue almost every day, and everytime she says I think we should break up I see so much opportunities and things I can do to turn my life around. But the get immediately closed when I take her back. I do love jessica but she has ruined me mentally and physically. I have molded myself into her own vision and I lost myself. I am now currently debating if I should even continue with life, talking here and venting about made me feel better atleast. To this day I regret breaking up with my ex. I do miss her and check on her time to time but I know to keep my distance because I ruined it. Before I started dating jessica my ex actually texted my close friends and told them that she still had feelings for me and that if thats who i choose then she will be happy. But god do I wish i got that message before dating jessica. My ex is now in a relationship so communication to her is off the table… If I had one chance to speak to her about everything it would make me so happy. We even got two cats together so it’d be nice to hear how they’re doing. To me, i’ve never stopped loving my first love its been about 2 years and she’ll eventually forget about me. Ruby was her name and she was an amazing girl. Love like hers was comforting. And Im happy that she found someone who will take care of her. But I guess this was my karma, I’ve accepted my fate because nothing will work out for me I still have so many years ahead of me to do better but it feels as if everyday i am being sucked back into this dark and scary palace. I just want to be happy again
Thank you for taking the time to read my story I appreciate it more than anything.