Hi, my name is Emily. I have complex PTSD, which developed from childhood trauma. My mom suffered from schizophrenia, was narcissistic, neglectful, and refused any help. I truly believe she did the absolute best she could given her mental state, I loved her regardless, but it really wasn’t a great environment to grow up in.
Her specific paranoia was she thought that there were a certain group of “bad people” in the world that were trying to “assassinate” us and were spying on us in every way possible. From cameras in the walls, to people following us. She would stay up late into the night yelling at said group to “fuck off and leave us alone”. Because she didn’t trust anyone, she pulled me out of school, and didn’t let me have any friends. She was in her room being upset 99% of the time. It was a lonely childhood. It was just me and my thoughts. Luckily, I developed a coping mechanism of going into my mind creating my own daydream world of imagination. I would also read a TON of books and create art just to escape my reality. I really feel like that saved me at the time.
I ended up running away when I was 16 by creating a Facebook account in secret and connecting with family members that I had been hidden from for years. After I ran away, I never saw my mom again. She died from alcoholism a few years ago without ever receiving help for her mental health, which is sad. I felt part to blame for a while. Felt guilty for leaving her alone.
I really struggled adjusting to the world when I ran away. I coped. But I also developed an addiction to alcohol, unfortunately. I started a mental health journey a few years ago. I’m 28 atm, and I started this journey when I was 25. At the time, I realized that I was still holding onto a lot of trauma that I didn’t realize (I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD).
Objectively: life is good. In the last couple years, I’ve been able to string together 3 or 4 months sober per year. I’m in college and am hoping to graduate with my accounting degree in a couple years. I have a full time job as a data entry clerk at a grocery store. I am in a healthy loving relationship for the first time in my life, after a string of abusive ones. I realize that I am relatively doing well for myself atm, but I still struggle mentally every single day, and it is SO frustrating. I am so terrified of losing everything I’ve worked so hard for. I’ve worked so hard for every single good thing in my life. I’m exhausted. I don’t understand why life has to be so hard. I have so much anxiety of failure and losing everything. I have so much anxiety and imposter syndrome. I feel that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve everything that I have. I feel like I’m constantly teetering on the edge of being successful and losing everything.
I don’t know, I just desperately want to continue this streak of self-improvement. I’M NOT GIVING UP. HECK NO. I’m going to keep pushing through my mental blocks and pushing for what I think is best for me in the long run. But, heck, it’s hard and I’m not able to vent to people in my actual life so I thought that I would come here.
