Venting from CPTSD

Hi, my name is Emily. I have complex PTSD, which developed from childhood trauma. My mom suffered from schizophrenia, was narcissistic, neglectful, and refused any help. I truly believe she did the absolute best she could given her mental state, I loved her regardless, but it really wasn’t a great environment to grow up in.

Her specific paranoia was she thought that there were a certain group of “bad people” in the world that were trying to “assassinate” us and were spying on us in every way possible. From cameras in the walls, to people following us. She would stay up late into the night yelling at said group to “fuck off and leave us alone”. Because she didn’t trust anyone, she pulled me out of school, and didn’t let me have any friends. She was in her room being upset 99% of the time. It was a lonely childhood. It was just me and my thoughts. Luckily, I developed a coping mechanism of going into my mind creating my own daydream world of imagination. I would also read a TON of books and create art just to escape my reality. I really feel like that saved me at the time.

I ended up running away when I was 16 by creating a Facebook account in secret and connecting with family members that I had been hidden from for years. After I ran away, I never saw my mom again. She died from alcoholism a few years ago without ever receiving help for her mental health, which is sad. I felt part to blame for a while. Felt guilty for leaving her alone.

I really struggled adjusting to the world when I ran away. I coped. But I also developed an addiction to alcohol, unfortunately. I started a mental health journey a few years ago. I’m 28 atm, and I started this journey when I was 25. At the time, I realized that I was still holding onto a lot of trauma that I didn’t realize (I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD).

Objectively: life is good. In the last couple years, I’ve been able to string together 3 or 4 months sober per year. I’m in college and am hoping to graduate with my accounting degree in a couple years. I have a full time job as a data entry clerk at a grocery store. I am in a healthy loving relationship for the first time in my life, after a string of abusive ones. I realize that I am relatively doing well for myself atm, but I still struggle mentally every single day, and it is SO frustrating. I am so terrified of losing everything I’ve worked so hard for. I’ve worked so hard for every single good thing in my life. I’m exhausted. I don’t understand why life has to be so hard. I have so much anxiety of failure and losing everything. I have so much anxiety and imposter syndrome. I feel that I’m not good enough and don’t deserve everything that I have. I feel like I’m constantly teetering on the edge of being successful and losing everything.

I don’t know, I just desperately want to continue this streak of self-improvement. I’M NOT GIVING UP. HECK NO. I’m going to keep pushing through my mental blocks and pushing for what I think is best for me in the long run. But, heck, it’s hard and I’m not able to vent to people in my actual life so I thought that I would come here.


Dude you are awesome strong person, it really is motivating post. You went through a shit ton, that is alot to deal in general. That was not an easy childhood. Also you not blame yourself for you mom passing, cause we don’t have control other people. Also congratulations for being sober and I wish you the best of luck!!!


Hey Emily,

Welcome to the community! I’m so glad you’re here. This is a great place to vent and to find support from people who understand what it means to struggle with mental health issues.

Having gone through so many rough years in your life without the love and support you would have deserved, your resilience is truly amazing. I’m so sorry you didn’t have a mother who was capable to support you and to love you unconditionally. It is such a heavy weight to carry that causes a lot of pain. You are a warrior and fought so much all your life, I totally hear you and can only imagine how exhausting this must be. I’m so glad you’re happy with how your life looks from the outside. Still, how it looks on the inside is absolutely essential in the long run. It sounds like you have professional support by your side, since you write you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD recently, which is so important to work through trauma.

You’re an incredibly strong human being. I hope you get the support you need to cope better with your everyday life, with the anxiety and self-confidence, and the pain and hurt that you’re carrying with you. You deserve to be happy. You’re loved, you’re valued, and you matter. Come as often as you need to and share with us what’s on your heart. We’re here for you. :hrtlegolove:


Hello artnuggett Thank you for trusting us with what is on your heart. It sounds like you’ve had a pretty rough life and my heart goes out to you. I’m happy that you’re confident in not giving up and wanting to continue your self-improvement. I find that inspiring and awesome. I hope you have found or can find closure with your mother’s passing and the emotions and memories that it stirs up for you, so you can put that behind you and move forward with your life. You sound like a very strong person. ~Mystrose


From: SuchBlue

Hi Emily, and welcome to the forum!

It requires a lot to accomplish what you’ve done, especially under what you went through, so you should be very proud of yourself for that! You said it yourself, life is good, you’ve got this, and if something goes wrong, I believe that you will be able to take care of it. There’s no reason to be worried about this, life is already good and just keep going. You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened during your childhood, but you still got through it and you still know how to live your life. We love you and hope to keep supporting you through all of these experiences :hrtlovefist: :hrtlegolove:


From: twixremix

hi artnuggett, i absolutely love your username and i am so glad you’re here. thank you for your vulnerability with your heartsupport community and trusting us to support you with everything you shared. i admire your strength and perseverance so much and with everything you shared, i am proud of you. you have overcome so much and came out on the other side with a strong relationship, about to graduate college, and already holding a full time job. you rose above all the curveballs that have been thrown your way and for that, i thank you for sharing your story and showing the world how damn strong you are.

i do have a question if it’s alright to ask but have you found closure in your past and with your mother and her passing? in order to alleviate those feelings of teetering between thriving or failing like you explained, would finding closure allow you to keep improving and moving towards the future? i sincerely love your attitude about life, your past, and how the present day is and i hope i can hear from you again soon, my friend. please know that this forum will always be here as your safe place when you need validation, support, love, and/or guidance. you are not alone and you are so dearly loved, valued, and appreciated. again, thank you for being here and sharing your story. best of luck in your college career to get your accounting degree!!


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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Emily and welcome to the community! I’m so sorry to hear about the trauma and pain you experienced in your childhood and with your mom and that it affects you so strongly still. I am so impressed you were able to find a way out of that situation at such a young age and that you have been able to make something out of your life. You say you felt guilty for leaving her but you had to for your own sake and I hope you do not still carry that guilt with you and that you found closure from that chapter of your life.

I’m really happy to hear about how much your life has improved since escaping from your childhood home and that in 3 years you have made so much progress on your mental health journey. And that you are sober is great accomplishment as well. I hope you keep it up. You’re doing great!

I wish you all the luck in continuing to progress and in getting your degree. I know you said you struggle every day but you sound so strong in your words and your conviction to keep working on it. We are always here to vent and rant at and show our support to you and I hope you return and continue to keep us updated during your journey and life. Stay strong, new friend, you’ve got this :hrtlegolove:


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Emily, Welcome to Heartsupport, wow that is a story and my goodness haven’t you been through a lot? Growing up in that enviroment must have been incredibly difficult, I cannot imagine how hard that was for you and for your mum, I wish she could have had the help she deserved to get and then the two of you would have possibly had a far better relationship but as it went I am glad you managed to get out even though again that could not have been easy and I am sorry you never got see her again that is incredibly sad (you were both let down) But wow havent you moved on and done well for yourself, you have a job and education and a wonderful relationship and I am so happy that you are getting the therapy that you require. Emily you are one amazing young woman and I am beyond proud of you for what you have accomplished. I do understand that when you have worked hard that there is that fear that you are going to lose it, I think that is a normal fear to have. I was raised with a saying of “the higher you go, the harder you fall” so i was always waiting for everything to go wrong, but it really doesnt have to be the case, sometimes if you work hard things go well and you should enjoy that feeling. make the most of good times. Life is short and happiness is something we all crave and you now have found some and you deserve it friend. I would love you to keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Again well done and good luck. Lisa xx

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