Venting out. Little love story

I’m gonna start telling you guys i dance as a hobby since around a year and a half, is something that i think it has given me so much good things to my life.
I am gonna have my first my presentation in stage with my academy friends next week and the professor chose to be my partner this girl I’ve liked since i first saw her.
Short story i first met her when i started dancing in my first academy, she was already an advanced dancer and beyond the academy level, watching her dance is always dazzling. All along the time I’ve been into this world I’ve run into her in different places and times and i always get the same feeling of tingling/nervous/sometimes i paralyzed, and honestly i don’t know if i have feelings for her or she just triggers some shit i haven’t work out on me yet. Anyways, 8 or so months ago i changed to this new academy and to my surprise we were in the same beginner level because of the academy rules. Nothing much happened between us, i believe i shut/inhibited my feelings for her for fear of rejection and it seems it worked out.
Until now, 3 or 4 weeks ago when we were told we were gonna dance together i thought that this could only be good because she was gonna help me grow so much and after the experience i was gonna be more skilled and i started daydreaming about she and i going out on dates and stuff. It turns out that it has been a livid hell the experience, first days we were putting so much effort on the choreography, specially me because i was the one that needed to improve lots of things and it was stressful yet i learned from it. Then i find out she recently started a relationship with a guy from the advanced levels, this was a big problem to me, because in order to perform well with her i have to loosen my body, be relaxed yet firm, and i sheltered myself again, i dug all this thoughts and feelings for her and this was showing in my dance. We kept practicing regarding that, and two weeks ago we practically spent the 3 days in a row together, and we shared so much, i would pick her up, buy her food, we were starting to meet each other and to our surprise we got on really well without effort, i was starting to loosen the chains of my feelings; i almost forget to tell that while all this has been happening i started to feel depressed, anxious and other feelings i didn’t felt in so many time, that i thought i had finally managed to control!. So during this marvelous 3 days that left me with so many precious memories not even the injury i had on my lower back that last day because of practicing an acrobatic with her, i’m still injured btw, doing the possible to heal but that’s not the point here, the important thing is that the injury increased my depression, this is just a theory of course but i strongly believe that the body, the muscles hold past information, and there was a time when i was severely depressed and i think that stuck in me and released when this happened. Fuck man what a week i just had, on top of that the monday (the next day after those 3 days and my back injury) she breaks my glasses when dancing by mistake, but i just couldn’t hold it, i went in a spiral of shit thoughts and anger and sadness, because also her bf was back from a trip so now she would only spend all her time with him which made me jealous and sad and angry. I had opened myself without noticing and also i was having a real physical shit that i was going trough.
And i’m afraid i have to stop right now because i’m running out of time for a test i have in 40 minutes but i’ll get back to finish this, guess i’ll just post it unfinished meanwhile.

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It sounds like you have a huge heart and that’s why you are so guarded. I am like that too. It’s hard to let people in when you give so much and don’t know if they will feel the same way. But I have learned that it’s okay to let people in and it’s ok if they hurt me because I am strong and I can heal. God has a great and wonderful plan for you. Maybe this will be a learning opportunity for you to let people in and sometimes God puts people in our lives to prepare us for something even better. I am not sure if I will see the rest of your post but I want you to know that you are worthy of the love you desire and God will provide for you in his timing.

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it is okay to let people in, but people who don’t appreciate what you have done for them so many times, been there for them during their tough times even when he was sick…at the end, it feels as if i’ve been used…what’s more, i am in love with him…

but he does not love me…and he sends me mixed signals and im always sad nowadays…

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Hi, thank you both for your replies.
I know i said i would finish this post but from the moment i wrote this to now it seems like so much has happened. I feel so much different, in a positive way, from how i was doing this past weeks, and this post helped me to vent out. When i read it now i see myself being so loaded with stress and shit, i’ve passed that now, but i am thankful for the space this community offers so one can find a way to get trough.

As i said i don’t feel like finishing this story but i will give it a fair closure.

By now me and my dance partner are fine, she explained herself to me last Wednesday in a rehearsal, i hugged her because i suck with words and all i could think of to let her know i was fine was hugging her, i swallow my pride and my pain and moved forward. Later that night and the next couple of days we texted laughing and making jokes as if nothing happened.

It’s not a Disney ending where i keep the girl, because she is happy with her bf right now, not much i can do there. I still don’t know if i love her (writing it makes me feel so freaking awkward lol), but we both have created a bond now… and well, i am always expectant about the future.

On a side note, i do think the injury was so bad that it did caused me to feel like i was feeling i mean depressed, angry and anxiety plus all the background story i was already going trough. It was a great thing tho, it helped me look inside me and ask questions and i feel more connected to myself now, and stronger from all this shits i have learned this past couple of weeks. But fuck it has been a walk in hell.

Thank you all who took their time to read this little story.

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