Honestly at this point I feel like I am just waiting for the “right” time to die. I have this plan in my head and I am waiting until the timing is right. I am supposed to be in recovery but I am unsure as to whether or not there is even a point in trying any more. This is not some chaotic suicidal crisis. This feels like calm, calculated acceptance of how things are supposed to be. My biggest fear is knowing what suicide does to those left behind. I know people would hate me for leaving. I know it breaks hearts. It is such a weird feeling because in the same breath I am convinced no one actually wants or needs me around. But then why am I so afraid of people hating me if I take my own life? Every day feels like a battle of “to fight or not to fight”. I keep preparing notes and making plans for specific days but yet I wake up and see the next day. I know no one lives forever. Some of us die sooner than others. I have felt in my heart for a very long time that I would eventually take my own life and that it would be sooner rather than later. Hell knows I have tried enough times. I decided to give recovery a try and I have given it an honest try but my heart and mind are still in the place of “no matter what happens in my life, I will die by my own hands”. I feel calm writing this. I feel like an ending would be the peace I have been searching for. I am just waiting to die but honestly it feels like a waste of time and I feel stupid for not just going through with it. I feel stupid for “needing” time time to be “right”. Some would say it is my way of telling myself to stay but the way I see it, it is just knowing how easily attempts can fail and wanting to make sure my next attempt is my last. Whenever people say that if I really wanted to take my own life I would have by now, my brain just takes that as a challenge. I am not sure why I am even making this post. I guess all of this just felt like it was crushing me. I am torn between fighting and giving up. Or am I?
Today might be a bad day, tomorrow might be a bad even next week might be bad but think about the future and all the things you have yet to achieve.
Keep telling yourself, just one more day until you reach I can’t wait for tomorrow. Even if it takes 10,000 of those one more days.
Yes your friends and family will miss you but I know you are so much stronger than these demons. You are so brave and strong for going on do this long, don’t quit now or what was the point for fighting for this long?
I know you can do this and everyone here on HeartSupport loves and supports you, you are not alone.
My dear dear friend,
First, let me just say that I love you so much. Your cute little pictures with your pets make my day. You show so much kindness to those around you and it is an incredible thing to witness. Please stay alive. Please. I know it feels hopeless and like recovery isn’t worth it, but I promise you it is. The truth is, you deserve life. When you think of your friends being sad when you think of dying I believe that is the small part of you that doesn’t want to die. Hold onto that. You tell yourself that you are to die at your own hands, but my friend that is a lie your mind is telling you. You are meant to fight and live to see 10,000 mornings. Please stay. You have fought for so long and I wish I could take away your pain. But my friend we are here for you. We want you to live. If you need a reason every day to live to see the next morning we will do that for you. We love you so so much. Recovery is worth it because it brings freedom. It is work and the journey is hard, but it is worth it. The ray of the sun on your face, the smell of cookies, the laughter of a friend these are just examples of small moments that make life worth living. Please do not leave. And if you need a reason to see tomorrow morning. This is it. Stay alive.
I’ve been where you have been, I was honestly gonna kills myself by hanging I just walked away and just said I’ll wait until something good happens and progressses, I was jobless, starving, alone and insecure yes I was just gonna jump off a bridge. But I let go in another way only cause if this is hell and what the Bible says is hell I don’t want to suffer forever just want to be at peace and found that if This man is the only way to peace than I want it(I don’t have anything figured out) I’m still on it but there has been peace but I feel alone a lot I just start a job tomorrow, I believe the Bible in my ways and then I go to the pastor I lived with for 3 years and ask him questions and I challenge it with what the Bible says, because sometimes people will change the wording to suit themselves like The Book of Mormon, you can’t add scripture and say it’s yours😆 but I shared the gospel because I believe everyone in life yes even you deserve a second chance I’m not gonna preach to you but heck it’s better than suffering for the rest of your life even in the after life if you agree if it’s even real,
This song has helped me through some of my darkest nights. And I want to send it to you because it was playing in my head as I read your post. This song is for you. https://youtu.be/EsKJ3qqE1Dk
I do appreciate what you are saying. But it just feels like life was not meant for me. You know? The world would be perfectly okay without me. For all I know I could drop dead tomorrow. We all die sometimes and some of us sooner than others. I feel like by being alive I am just wasting everyone’s time. I don’t even think I have fought that hard to stay alive. No matter where I have been in recovery part of me has always held back and has always wanted to let go.
And what if nothing ever gets better and trying was just a waste of time?
Well you never know really, wouldn’t you wanna at least see if there could be something better? It’s better than dying then realize that you’re gonna have to suffer forever
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be alive. Life wasn’t meant for me.
You wouldn’t be here is life wasn’t meant for you. I know right now things are tough but please stay strong for the brighter days.
Yes today is bad, tomorrow may be bad and maybe even next week but what about next year? Or the next two years? Or ten?
I know it’s hard to see the light right now but it’s there, this is a bad season. We all get them, but you are worth it, you are worth fighting for. Keep on telling yourself just one more day until those “one more days” turn into “i can’t wait for tomorrow”.
You may have 10,000 one more days until you’ll be happy for tomorrow but you have to believe it will come. I believe in you and I know you can get past this!
Please hold fast friend,
Pain isn’t permanent, it will get better it just takes time and you have to put in work sometimes to make it feel/get better. Whether that means going to see a professional or taking some time to do a self-care routine. It is not a waste of time, you are worth it! Why fight for this long if you are going to quit now?
Hold fast friend,
We all love you,
We all die at some point, no one lives forever. I think the sooner I’m gone the better. I don’t know. I’m not trying to be difficult and I do hear what you guys are saying but I just feel like the end is near for me. I’m almost at the end of my story and I am okay with it.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and it takes a lot of courage to do so. I personally feel hopeless and lost most days so seeing this post made me feel I’m not the only one. One thing I value most if foundation. Whether it be family, friends, cats, food, exercise, aliens, pizza, etc, your foundation is what makes you who you are. Your foundation is the support. Acknowledge the things that make you happy and that you’re grateful for. There’s always going to be negativity, hopelessness, darkness, whatever way you wanna portray it. It’s about finding that balance. What’re you grateful for Kem? If you read this, thank you for taking the time to do so. ️
You are not near the end of your story, please don’t tell yourself that. If you can’t fight for yourself fight for someone else, whether that be your parents, siblings, friends, cousins or even your pets. They need you! We need you! Yes at the end of the day we do all die, it is inevitable but we were also all given a lifetime might as well see it out, you only have this one anyway.
You ARE loved.
You ARE needed.
You ARE worth it.
You ARE beautiful.
You ARE amazing.
You ARE brave.
I know it’s hard and maybe you won’t believe it at first but tell yourself this every day. You are perfect. You are special. You are loved. If you hear it enough, if you tell yourself this enough soon you’ll learn to believe it.
Hold fast friend,
Love Luna ️