Hi, so I’m about to move across the country for college next month and well, things have been getting a bit tense between my friends and I. The friend I spend the most time with isn’t taking me leaving very well at all and I feel like I can’t be proud of my accomplishments because she’ll get upset with herself for not “being at my level”. She’s constantly beating herself up and I have to be the one to lift her up every time- and honestly it’s tiring. If I talk to her about being burned out she’ll just see it as a personal attack.
I feel like I have to be stable 24/7 and like I’m not aloud to be broken. The thoughts that I had “fought off” years ago to the knowledge of my friends have been back for quite some timeâ I haven’t told anyone because truthfully I’m scared that once I open up I won’t be strong enough to help them… Not to turn this into an “I need advice” but I need advice I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for posting. This sounds really hard. Moving away is difficult in any situation, but, I think it will be healthy for you. A hand written letter can be super grounding for people who struggle with attachment issues - which, it sounds like is a problem for your friend in a way. It might benefit both of you if you could write her an encouraging letter to keep a hold of? Everything you say to her, to lift her up, write it in the letter. Remind her that you love her. You’ll always be there for her. That she is important to you… That she is capable of achieving everything she wants etc.
Those things can be super helpful. Remind her that even though you’re moving away, you’re not going to be gone - she can still talk to you on the phone and online etc… You’ll be able to arrange times to meet when you have days off. It’s completely okay for you to take time to yourself though. If you’re burnt out, but know she’ll take it as an attack, just take a step back and encourage her from a distance. Text her back to let her know you understand and hear her. You don’t HAVE to be there to advise her and lift her up all the time. Sometimes, just knowing you’re heard is powerful and is enough to bring us back to reality.
Hold Fast
Kayla
Hi friend,
First of all, I am so proud of you for starting this next chapter of your life! That is so huge and you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like your friend is going through some hard times and maybe seeing you succeed is the reminder that they aren’t doing well. And even though that is what you are going though you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to apologize. It isn’t your fault. It also sounds like you and your friend both need help. My advice to you is to reach out to someone you trust. Reach out for help. I know it is really scary, but I promise you that it does get better. Maybe you could also suggest to your friend that they could reach out for help too. Maybe kindly explain to them that you aren’t healthy enough to help them and to help yourself. Explain that you both deserve to live healthy and happy lives
Man, what a huge burden to bear…to feel the need to be perfect for her, to not be able to be real about what you’re going through…and then on top of that to feel like you can’t be happy or making progress in your life because it’s going to bring her down…it’s literally like she only wants you to be in this narrow space of “I’m good, but not too good, and I’m here for anything you need,” – gosh, it’s almost like she wants you to be a robot or a superhero! That’s got to be exhausting and so discouraging and disconnecting…because even though she’s your “friend”, it feels like she doesn’t even really know you or care to get to know you because she just wants the parts of you that she can handle…in that sense, the relationship is about her! Serving her needs and giving her what she needs…that’s gotta be a tough place to be…because you love her and want to offer what you have to her, but you just can’t fake it 24/7…so tough, man.
I don’t know what the right answer is, but I’d probably first recommend just telling her what you feel. Asking for what you need – saying that you feel over-burdened because it feels like you can’t come to her with your problems…and if the relationship only goes one way, it’s more like counseling than friendship…and depending on how she responds is how I’d move forward…if she’s repentant and wanting to change (and you want to keep her as a friend), then I’d say try to be more proactive about communicating your hurts and needs and allow her the opportunity to learn how to support you too. But if she isn’t willing to change and is offended by you asking for what you need, then I’d recommend allowing the friendship to dissipate and find other friends who are willing to support you the same as they’re willing to be supported by you. I know that allowing a friendship to pass is such a difficult concept, but it’s one difficult choice that saves you so much future drama and difficulty and pain when the relationship later explodes because of all of these pent up feelings…it’s definitely worth the strength it requires because it pays off handsomely in the end.
Hope this helps, and hope that the relationship mends well! Either way, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for sharing your heart.
-Nate