I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m wasting away. Everything around me is slowly tearing up my foundation as I desperately try to cope and go with the times while still being the parts of myself I want to be. I live in a small town, no one as anykind of support system… Everyone is so biggoted and sexist I cant get a job, there are no like minded individuals with whom I can collaborate with to get a music career going. Desperately trying to escape the hole I’m in, want to go to school in LA, but drivers ed was taken out of school by the time I got to high school, no permit, no car… I try to write to keep my sanity and help with thoughts of suicide… “We’re just one,then none, life turns silent, fuck a gun. Understanding the mute nirvana is way more violent. Scathing is the ever increasingly diminishing perplexing plethora of notions and thoughts within. Undergoing constant oppression without digression to revert to before life begins. This is the end.” I try so hard to tell myself to keep going, but I don’t see the point in building a life for myself if its done being fake and not by doing something I love because in the end it wouldn’t mean anything. More than anything I need positive, supportive people in my life. Anyone really at this point, and I need to be away from where I am currently, its only conducive to keeping me down.
You made a great first step in making your post here. This is what we are here for. I used to live in a small town and I moved to a larger one not long ago. You seem to have lost what you were seeking, a way to LA. This is a dream that I know you can use to carry you forward. I know that seems impossible right now but having a goal in mind is gonna be the best way you can move forward and keep your sights on. You are valued, you have friends, and we all care for you. Cheers friend it does get better no matter what. Don’t ever give up.
@Anthonylawson thank you for sharing I understand this feeling of life wasted. It has taken so many years to figure out who I am and what I am meant to do.
Again thank you for coming to HS we here are a great support group and community that loves to help others move forward. I have always focused on what can be done to move forward. First the simple things. Example: How am I going to get to school in LA? First I recommend looking at schools that accommodate small citizens. There are scholarship for everything.
Seriously you have such a great way with words. Something that I am lacking in, but the way you convey what you are going through is beautiful. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are valued. You are cared for.
The first step in moving forward is acknowledge the problem and owning it. Figure what you can do to move forward and if you need help with that you are in the right place my friend.
You are Loved.
Morgan
HeartSupport Intern
thank you so much, I’ve long since come to the realization that what i need now is physical help… here’s some more of the things I’ve written to try to stay away from suicide “Sometimes trust fades, baggage weighs our thoughts to shade, sincerity maturity laughing peace love and understanding keeps bonds the same.” Moving forward is hard when your walking in reverse. Looking for a time in space where you didn’t feel a curse. Constantly hoping all the pain, lies, and anguish could disperse with every tear this is the very definition of depression and fear. stuck here screaming with my voice having been stolen in a single moment trying to find a way to make that clear. Nothing can replace or fill the happiness once buried deep within unearthed by you now shattered and scattered in the wind blown to far out I sit and watch every day how it floats now on the ocean of abyss unattainable by any boat from any pier. My dear" What other than weakness causes us to so quickly compare the struggle of someone to someone else’s. If we were that other person that might be relevant. It causes us to easily write off the hardship only because we lazily don’t want to deal with, help get through, or more importantly make better the overwhelming human condition. So when I say I’m at the edge of happinesses abyss staring into the nothingness that is the realism of knowing and understanding bleakness and all of its meaningless hope depriving agony, please believe me and know that only a moment of genuine sincerity isn’t enough to cripple or diminish the otherworldly feeling of being nothing not to you but myself."
Looking at me what do you see? The envisioned immaculate emmisary or something closer to heresy. I can only hope to be what I expected out of me despite the blurring of the lines from what I strive to see, something shining amongst the nothingness to flood the leaves of my aethereal tree, its been far to long sitting in the storms, I still have hope I’ll be able to signal to a ship surrounding me in the sea of uncertainty. “Nevermind the siren song, impervious to every anomoly before long, what has been shall be but also gone. Nevermind the flaws betweenst us, we’re all wrong, but always strong.”
"Parascopes
im looking through, your looking in, my heart skips then breaks again. falling wont stop the failing, everything i love is slowly tearing away, then reality beings sinking in. minds so immaculately impaling the blurs still dont seem so shapely. im shaking, petrified from every gravitationally obliterating understanding. Come morning, no mourning if what exists hasn’t a soul to send. what shall be, has been. Will two remain at its end looking then." Hearts weep, as they speak, screaming out I’m incomplete. All within one beat, admitting defeat as depression creeps whispering deceit. Telling ourselves we’re strong enough to remain calm, all the while at the edge of our seat." Everytime i look at you i’m reminded of all the sorrow of what will never be, all the hatred in my soul bursting out from the naive notion of what should be, but never will. As the world continues as it always does, i just can’t help but feel stuck in this wretched rutt, desperately trying to accomplish the simplest thing. Moving on with or without you isn’t the question, instead, continuing on with myself with any shread of dignity and desire. When in fact there is no moving forward. Only drifting through the nothingness, alone or with you, that picture perfect image will never be. I’m to weak to fight within myself the wrongs or rights and what should and shouldn’t be undone. Truth, Life will unfortunately continue on either way. I cant really say i miss you when i miss myself"
Hey there, friend. We responded to your question live on air, during stream. Best of luck to you as you continue pushing and being your best
Here is that response: https://youtu.be/rfRisdaQ8ZI
<Twitch.tv/mxiety>