Weak [su/c/de trigger warning]

[GlassHeart]

I have perimenstrual dysphoria disorder. essentially this means it’s like I have depression before, during and after my period. Any other time I’m perfectly fine, though.

I’m on four different meds: Strattera for ADHD, Cipramil for Depression, Seroquel as a mood stabiliser and Lamictal for PMDD. The lamictal hasn’t been working however, and I’ve been hurting myself because of it.

Mum took me to my psychiatrist yesterday (we always have a good time when that happens, Rivendell is wonderful), and my Dr Lux told me if Lamictal isn’t working then we had other options, but we would have to change some of my other medication around. That’s complicated but I’m willing to give it a try.

My mum’s entire bloodline is riddled with depression and mental issues; I don’t know much but I do know that both my mum and YiaYia are/were on depression meds.
My dad might not have mental health problems but he grew up tough. His parents got divorced when he was young, they were always fighting and going off at him, they refused to cook for him since he was thirteen and he had to work it out himself, and the biggest thing to note: I’m not sure how long ago, but maybe a few years before my brother and I were born (it was after mum and dad met), my dad’s brother, Uncle Andrew, committed suicide.

My family is religious, and from my understanding neither of my parents grew up with God. I know for sure my mum didn’t have a relationship with Him until she was sixteen (two years older than I am now).

I’ve been wondering for at least three years now: am I weak?
Both my parents went through Hell most of their lives, without anybody to help them.
But there’s me: God, online friends, parents, real life friends, Youth group, support groups, adult professionals, and medication. And I’m still not doing well.

All help possible, and I still can’t make it. Should I just quit Lamictal altogether and try to tough it out without changing anything else?

On top of all this, I don’t know real struggle. I’ve never had to want for anything my whole life: my family is very well off financially, to quote Casting Crowns, I’m the man I’ve ever wanted with all the toys and playing games, my parents are happily together, I’ve suffered no problems outside my own head.

Even now I’m crying. Ha. Gosh I’m pathetic. I tell myself no man can survive on his own, but it doesn’t help. I can’t beat my own head even though I have literally every help possible. The last step is up to me because everyone and everything else has gotten me this far, but despite everything, I’m still not strong enough to make this leap.

[Mystrose]

@GlassHeart

am I weak?

Not in the least bit. In fact, you are very strong to be able to cope with PMDD. Your hormones are going nutz and that isn’t something you can always control. This plays a big role in your symptoms and dealing with that takes a LOT of strength to get thru.

Having PMDD is a disorder and proper treatment in my opinion is important. There are other medications to try, so don’t give up. This is a temporary thing because once you find the right meds for you, you’re going to feel a lot better. This is treatable.

Talk to your doctor some more ok?

[anon14688970]

Hi, that sounds very stressful, dealing with inherited mental issues and PMDD is a pain and it really does feel like you can’t do anything about it sometimes. It does get better though, it’s just about balancing the ups and downs. Which hopefully will start working for you in the future.

For now just relax yourself and try to focus on something nice. Whatever helps calm you down <3

Have you ever asked yourself what causes you to feel this way? Since you are going through the hormonal period, do you think you are asking these questions purely from spark of emotions, or do you always wonder this? Do you think these feelings are caused purely from them being passed down to you? Or were they also triggered by something?

Please know you are not weak. You don’t have to go through hell to be happy, yes you might have some ups and downs, but no one needs to suffer to be happy. We all just need a bit of self worth.

I can’t exactly give you advice on medications, but you should do whatever you think is safest for your mental health, and I think you’re definetly on the right track right now.

On your question of going through hell.
Whether you’re going through hell or not, I don’t think going through hell is the answer, and not going through it doesn’t make you weak. But to me it sounds like what you’re going through is pretty much that for you. But you are not weak, you’re dealing with alot already so being able to deal with this is already proof that you’re strong, plus you have people beside you that can and want help, they know enough that you’re worth it and you’re brave for it.

You are your greatest ally. You know yourself the most, therefore you can help yourself the most. If you can hurt yourself, you can also heal yourself. After that, it’s up to you in what you want to do.

-X

[Micro]

Hey @GlassHeart,

You are so not weak. You’re a freaking warrior! You’ve been given cards you never asked for, yet you look after ways to ease your symptoms, stabilize your mood and just live the life you want. Asking for help, naming your struggles, acknowledging what you have but also how hard this road can be only show how strong and thoughtful you are. The fact that you struggle even if you have access to medications or emotional support doesn’t make you ungrateful or guilty of anything. It’s the obstacles on the road that are the issue, not you.

I too have a chronic depression - currently taking antidepressants too - and PMDD. I so want to shout out to the world how much PMDD is a real issue and should be so much more well treated and understood. To be acknowledged for our struggles without being dismissed as just being hormonal, without thinking that it’s “normal” to feel worse before/during our periods, is such a battle in itself. No, it’s not “normal” or okay to spend two weeks each month of our life feeling absolutely shitty, insecure, vulnerable and suicidal. That alone has such a huge impact on us in the long run, make so many of us miss good life opportunities, if not worse. PMDD is a real condition and has nothing to do with just “being hormonal”.

I acknowledge the insane amount of energy it requires you to push through and to keep standing up for yourself. You are not pathetic at all. Quite the opposite actually. Because you are here today. You’re not giving up on yourself. It is not a matter of you being strong or weak really. These conditions alone plenty suck and affect almost everything in our life.

As for your medication (Lamictal) I would strongly encourage you to never stop it by yourself. Decisions like these really need to be discussed further with your doctor(s) first because there’s generally a proper way to stop it. Even more, it’s important to update them on how the meds are affecting you (or not) so you can be really informed about your options there. I know there’s not many besides being suggested hormonal birth control over and over… and it’s really frustrating. But it’s worth to keep trying and ask for help, because this is about your quality of life. It’s about you. And you are SO important.

As for the PMDD itself, I would like to encourage you to check on this organization/community:

Quick Links | IAPMD

They are really good at just bringing awareness and providing emotional support to people who have to face this same struggle. Just because it helps to be reminded that the issue is not us, and that we’re on the same boat, you know? It personally helped me a lot when I felt like I was going crazy and was full of so much self-doubt. Never let the lies in your mind take the best of you. It doesn’t deserve you.

[Sita]

There is so much strength in what you wrote!

But suffering is not a competition, having the most “obvious”, worst-est causes/reasons for suffering doesn’t make the sufferer better or stronger. You are deeply aware of the things you have that others don’t, and you are equally aware of all the things you DO experience daily.

You’re not weak. I’m grateful you have social support system and your faith to fall back to, I’m glad you don’t have the added pressure and worries of poverty or homelessness to cope with. Your struggles are real and valid, and there is much to be proud of in how well you’ve been fighting, and for how long.

We’re all struggling with something, right? This is what yours looks like.

We’re all here to support each other through everyone’s “something”. no matter what it looks like, no matter what it feels like.

Glad you’re here with us!

[Megs]

Hey @GlassHeart I hope you are well. A while ago on a twitch stream I made this thinking of you. I would love to mail this to you for free if you would like it. Let me know.

[GlassHeart]

that’s so thoughtful of you! thank you so much!! it’s okay, you can keep it. that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it though!

[Megs]

Of course, no problem