Not exactly a vent. Just a ramble i guess. Im in a very boring cycle of oh man. Every day is the same and life is just so lonely sometimes and so so boring. I always look forward to the end of the day so I can just go to sleep. But then I wake up and a new day is awaiting me which I am obviously thankful for but I know it will be the same once again. I would not say my mental health rn is okay or not okay. I am in a state of meh. Which is not bad ! Like last year lost happened and I cried manyyy many times and most of the time now im just numb to stuff so I dont cry a lot which kinda does really suck. But I some days am kinda numb to feelings overall, some days I am sad or want to be sad for no reason and some days im eh. Whatever. Content. Its quite odd. I just want to feel more ‘ alive’ i guess. But then if I feel too alive my anxiety catches up to me and makes things worse. See my issue ? Like that is kinda a bummer. I cant be happy or doing well without something going wrong or being insanely anxious. Anymore I am anxious leaving my house in fear something bad will happen if I do too. I feel safest in my bed jn my room. I dont wanna live like that. Also unrelated but : I am almost 2 months clean of self harm. Previously it was a year clean but I broke that:/ been struggling not to relapse again. This week hasnt been a struggle just the past couple. Its hard seeing fresh scars fade and not be tempted to do it or just see the blood to feel something. Im not looking to relapse again soon but I wish I could care less and I wish I could fall into that addiction again. I dont really openly talk to friends about my struggle with self harm except like one internet friend due to people being misunderstanding and a bad situation in the past but despite not talking about this struggle much I of course wouldnt want to disappoint anyone and I wouldnt wanna cause more emotional damage to myself too. Its good im maturing but I also dont like it. Third and final part of my ramble: something thats bothered me a lot lately is I really am the type of person that likes to have deep emotional connections with others / close bonds with others and I dont have much of that intimacy in my life and it saddens me. I have a boyfriend, but we really need to breakup already. We are still counting ourselves as ‘ dating ‘ but the connection really aint there anymore and he doesnt put effort into me so. It sucks and makes me feel unlovable and I really really hate that. Sometimes you really just want that prince in shining armor to stand in front of you and be your shelter from the world as cliche as that sounds you know ? You want someone to love every part of you. Someone you can be yourself around its gotta be so nice to have those things.
I think your “rambling” is quite therapeutic. Writing helps organize thoughts and define issues. It really does sound like you need some positive distraction, perhaps in the form of reading books, exercise, volunteering at your local animal shelter, or something like that. Often, healing and happiness comes as we invest effort in helping others become healed and happy.
I understand anxiety about leaving the house. I was housebound for about a year, then the thought of leaving made me anxious too. Perhaps you can leave for a few minutes at a time until you gain confidence in your ability to be out for longer periods of time.
Feeling numb is kind of an emotional defense mechanism. It also happens as a result of boredom.
It sounds like you are evolving through self insight, and no doubt that process will continue.
Thanks for listening & your thoughts. I appreciate it.
I really really understand. I know about when you feel icky and unalive. Some parts of feeling alive won’t come back again, and I know this because I have expreienced Change and some of the joy and alive feeling-ness of the past will never be there again because of what I have lost, but sometimes I do feel alive. I am afraid icky will come back though, so I don’t know if I can find a way that would help you forever.
The way it is reading what you say is that it makes me feel bad (sorry for talking about my stupid SELF so much) in a certain way and like that it would be the way that it should be if that I would be there to appear where you are and sing to you. That is the way it is.
Life is full of change and losses, yet over time, the heart can develop resilience, so the setbacks are not so devastating. Feeling joyful and alive takes some effort. When we are really young, it comes naturally, but that’s before we encounter losses, hardships and disappointments.
Then comes the transition from the joy of youth to the more evolved joy of wisdom. Typically, when we are young, there is a sense of entitlement to the joy that we experience. Then, negative events throw us off balance. We learn that our worldview doesn’t always reflect reality. It gets confusing. It’s easy to feel helpless. We find that we can no longer experience the joy that comes with not knowing how we might find ourselves devastated.
Joy based on wisdom takes some time to acquire. A person has to learn about and appreciate things that were previously not thought about. Much of it has to do with all the bad things that did not happen to us. We learn to look for simple things to enjoy, for example, a beautiful day, a puppy, a smile from a friend, etc.
A broken heart, the loss of a loved one, or other tragedy, will leave a place of sadness in the heart, but at the same time, the heart grows in empathy and strength, which when shared, can leave one feeling more alive and joyful than ever before.
Those who have suffered tend to recognize each other, and the adversity they’ve experienced becomes instrumental in bringing them closer together, and joy becomes even more profound.
Wings, you are such an honoarble person…
Thank you so much! I do my best. Those who have the courage to reach out, especially when feeling despair, touch my heart.
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