What do I do to get past the pain

I know all the events that have led me to this point in life, but I don’t know how to pick up the pieces to attempt rebuilding. In the early years of life living in fear being physically abused. Along the way searching for someone to love me and failed relationship after relationship caused me to build walls and build defense mechanisms psychologically around those walls to ensure never getting hurt by someone again. Then becoming a firefighter after the military and the years of watching people die and horrific ways only solidified the idea the complete isolation and distance to never get close. I got married and it all went well at first then the stress to succeed in being a good husband, father and a new promising career made me buckle under the pressure I became a negative person who to lash out not physically but mentally and emotionally to those who love me. No separated from wife and kids trying to hold on to what pieces are left of marriage and many thoughts of suicide I’ve gotten past the thought of suicide but the uncertainty, doubt, and pain of it all hasn’t seemed to dissipate. It’s still hard to find happiness in the most simple things it’s like a cloud over my head that follows me everywhere. I forgot how to be happy, how to love.

Dude this is brutal…to feel like every wave of pain was like lava that burned you at first but then hardened to form thicker and thicker walls with each new wave of pain…and then to feel like the only way you know how to relate is to isolate or outburst…first of all it makes sense, but it’s also brutally sad to be in a place where you so desperately want to love and be loved, but to feel like you don’t know how to let anyone in without hurting them before they get there…it’s got to feel terrifyingly lonely…to be in there, to know you want it, but to not know how to get it…I’m so sorry, Haas…and now to feel the serious levels of stakes, right? To feel like your marriage is depending on you but having no idea how to come through for her…to feel like your kids need you but you have no idea how to do that effectively either. It feels like your touch burns hot and your isolation burns cold, and whatever you do it causes them to be in pain, just like it does you. Feels like you’re caught in this Catch-22, where you don’t know how to get out of this sickening cycle of hurting and getting hurt. I see you man, and I see how brutal that’s gotta be.

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