What do you think?

Hi All,

Let me begin with saying the following, I am sorry for what your about to read and burdening you with this information, I am sure overall you don’t care and feel I should pull my self together, as their people by fare need your help more then I do.

So now having said what I just did let me give you some context for this post at all,
I am in short desperate for someone to hear me, I feel so alone, and sad, depressed, and struggling. I try to put a positive spin on things and focus of moving forward but if I was truly honest I am probably in denial about how hurt and lost and sad I try am. I feel I can shake things off and shape my own future, I am a fighter but…

so you might be asking your self and? Get to the point…
Well I need to give you context first, I been married over 12 year, to a Japanese woman, I have two wonderful kids well most of the time.

The issues of course ultimately stem from me, but in a more tangible sense it’s the dynamic between me and the wife, she started out so sweet, and gradually so grown to have pure hate for me. this has grown so difficult and on for so long, their is a sense of isolation between us, as if it’s a marriage of convenience, more for her then me. We both show plenty of love to our kids and try the very best for them, but the dynamic between us is dark, cold and distant.

Let’s me give you some context,


  • I am not perfect and I am sure I piss her off to no end.
  • I have a very high moral campos, so I can be trigger when being falsely accused or frame in a wrong light.
  • I am sure some people thing I am a prick
  • hard to deal with
  • happy with my own company, and not the first yes to an idea.
  • but I also have a lot of love, and loliaty maybe too much some might say.
  • a strong sense of family
  • and generally seek peace and calm.

I am not going to get into my wife personally it will be become clear through the antidotes.

she works hard, feeds us, washes clothes, does kids stuff, school runs .ect

I help around the house here and their, like mowing lawns, fixing things, cleaning the dishes after all meals, put out the washing clothes that is, try to do my day job which can be multiple clients at once at times, pick up the kids from school when able / needed, drop them off and collect them from parties, halo carry million things when we out most weekends, and will be the first to tidy up the nest somewhat left behind by the kids.

so i would say I do my fare share of support and being the main bread winner.

so now you have some context I show some things:

  • we don’t sleep in the same room
  • we don’t have sex, hugs, kiss
  • we don’t talk to each other really
  • most evenings we stay apart she be upstairs in bed with her phone laptop or what ever, and I be downstairs alone on the sofa, most nights anyway
  • if I try to have a conversation she Ken of this people that will make it irritating and combative or try’s to shut down as if he view is the only one that matters.
  • I don’t like talking about anything to her, for the above reason although I love a good chin wag normally
  • 90% of the time when she engages with me it one of the the following

1 - can you check this message, text, email .ect min 3 Times a day although she speaks and write good English well better then me a daylixc anyway.
2- a problem or something is broken, requiring me to sort of money wise or endless phones calls being stuck in the middle.
3 - tell me what we going to do tomorrow or the weekend .ect

Never how is your day, you ok, I love you, thank you, sorry could you do x, y , z, do you mind helping me with, of any general conversation unless it’s like gossip or a strong point of view she has on something.

she extremely spitful, if the kids or me push back on something she willl ratchet up with ether this is why comments people think x,y,z, or your never get or have x,y,z everyone thinks x,y,z and all are manipulative and not usually a response to have anything to do with the push back, it’s just about being hurtful and some how makes her right.

She say thinks like when we gone out to get cake and coffee and I eat a little quicker then most also that is partly because I take bigger bites. She pick on me and say oh my god you eat too quickly, that so unhealthy. No one said anything to her, I bought the dam cakes, and it come out of the blue, to the point I no longer can enjoy the moment or the thing I just had. It’s got to a point that in many cases like at Starbucks I would not dear to order a cake or food with my drink in fear of getting judged, or some comment being made oh that lot of callaries .ect

She constantly comment on how fat I look, how I smell, way I look, lack of exercise and so on.

She never say sorry for anything even when she smashed the side of the car costing me £4.5k to fix, she shouted at me and blame it on me say it was because I give her too much pressure, and I should just give her a cheap car and other stuff which has nothing to do with the car.
or sorry for smaller action, that it’s also got me to stop saying it out back out of spite and feeling of weekness to her as the response back is closer to well you should be. When with me it’s more that I want to see you take. Ownership for your action considering the next step is me paying to fix it.

On this by the way I pay for everything I mean every bill, and I give her about £1600 - £2000 a month to buy food, go out having coffee with mums and buy and little bits of extras here and their but for some reason she never has enough money.

I also will more often pay for kids clothes, shopping and all restaurants if I am with her and the kids reducing the amount she pays. Also my kids go to private school and extra after schools activities like music lessons and so on.

so in short 85-90% of my money goes on stuff for the family. My own expidures for the most part until recently with the purchase of the second car with in proption very small, but she make points about it, you just spending your self, when I only buy for the kids, yet she go and have coffee with mums, I hardly ever go out like once every 6 months if that, with exception of going out with the family. I which will cost me about £100-£150 most weekends with a meal or going somewhere or new shoes or something th at I will end up getting.

So she complains after years and year of dreaming and want my own car meaning just mine I got a deal to do just that, she got a fancey new suv large family car and I got a sporty saloon which I love by the way. She one hand will say how great she is for not getting angry me when I guy these things, but then next will use it as a stick to beat me with ever anything anoyed her or finically is not working out. You should not got that, it’s selfish, you should get rid of it just a waste of money, blah blah … all the while she goes about her daily life sitting in the SUV, and when we only had the one car I could hardly use it, and it kept me restricted and my mother is not well so it was hard to pop over and see her without access to the car. So these all part of the reason for wanting a second car and I love cars. So for me
Its imports for her is just a mode of transport.

i seem to be the villain to all her stories if she tired it’s because I am not helping out, dispite healing out as mentioned above, she also a stay at home mum no other job to do. And when she had hobbies I try to back them with by designing logos, building website, buying her stuff, giving money .ect but she never sees any of them through.

Also before we point to her isolation from Japan I pay for her to spend 1 -2 trips a year with one of them being for a leaf 2-3 months, being with her family. I love them as well but I being. Saying for years now I need a brake a proper holiday, by a beach or villa and just unwind. Never listen to Japan, Japan, Japan, and when I go I just end up working from there anyway.
When she want to go to Europe my ideas are ignore or when I say no we can’t go because we need to stop spending money I am ignored and she book it anyway meaning I have to pay her back for it anyway. I make the most of the trip but they usually again my will, I am not consulted, and ignored. So leg with might as well enjoy it
Mode. And non of them are relaxing their with going here their and everywhere or activities like skiing snd so in making me just as tied if not as more so then when I left.

All of these puts me under massive financial strain. And for many this will sound like a privileged person moaning. And I get it.

But what I am saying is this:
When you’re not loved, and not cared about beyond the basics, allways critised, and hated, used and abused, and you the. Treat your self with distain, hate, and abuse your self with achole at home [ never in front of the kids] and look for console games and tv shows not to be left with your thoughts and feelings and to just escape and your reality. I would say I am a high functioning depressant. I can’t sleep well, I am worried, desperate for love and intimacy, and success.

You might be asking why don’t you just leave this situation well, one I don’t have the strength to do so, two I love my kids and don’t want to see them hurt and she will block me from seeing them. I don’t want to give her everything why I squaller on my own. And I lost all my faith that there is a reasonable woman out there for me that I would love and she would love me back with our manipulation and conditions. I lost faith in my self that I can be a good lover, boyfriend, husband, to anyone anymore.

I feel utterly stuck and if I did leave like I had before she starts coursing problems that I need to fix or get blamed for, I been out in a holding sell because of her, had social service come and investigate me, I spoken to a range of doctors and paid for test because she diagnosed me with ADHD or something else and won’t stop saying I have that until a doctor proved I did not.

This will go on forever if I account the last 12 years but I will state I also not been my best self in the middle of all this compounding her beliefs and question my own stand point. I tried counselling did now work for me, I tried marriage counselling, I asked her to join me she refused and see it all as my problem and her behaviour is only because of me. I tried to find someone who spoke her language and was not western so she could feel less like she being ganged up on, she refused again web. Both me and that person asked her come.

I even moved to Japan thinking that she just finds it difficult living here in the uk, she got to control all the money and as it was Japan she be able to managed everything in her native language. It was something I was also looking forward to experiencing although would take time to be full climitised too, that six month was a living nightmare, was still getting blamed for everything, she started using the fact I could not speak Japanese as a punishment and threat, and course hireable moods. She did not have to work was still stay at home mum but now close to her family and friends. It got so bad and one day she diced the school for the kids was the problem, and I had to come back and tell my boss I can’t take the remote role, so lost my job had to find a new one, spent 6k getting all our stuff out their and flights 2 twice that year. Only six months later to come back m, get kids back into the school again they said good bye from, wafted 40k of our saving to pay off the contracts terms of all the stuff we spent to setup over their like house, car, furniture, utilities and so on.

then had deposit for all the property back in the uk, not one did I complain because I knew if I did I get blamed for it, or told how her life is so my harder then mine. And so on.

I am not aloud to feel sad or overly happy, I can’t enjoy ordering something without being made to feel guilty, and I can’t share that I am hurt, tired, lonely, want love or anything without being called selfish, or not as bad as me . Ect

She honestly told me, this best I can expect you get fed and looked after, but we will not be a couple. And that should be ok and if want anything more then I am being selfish.

So row after row after row, and being suicidal and. Ack again. I lost my mines feelings, direction, motivation, and happiness.

i ask you what should I do, is she right, I know I just painted her in a bad light but is that my internal bios, I am sure I am a nightmare to live with, but maybe what I think is fare is not fare to ask in this day and age and is feuded but deluded holiywood movies and tv shows.

I am so confused please give me your thoughts


Hey Unmasked Welcome to Heartsupport.

We surely do my friend or we would be a really dreadful support wall and I am pretty sure you are pulled together pretty well, you have something you want to get off of your chest and this is a good place to do it, what ever is happening in your life is important and valid to you and if it is troubling you and you would like some help or support then you are just as important as everyone else who would like the same thing, everyone here has a story which is important to them which makes them important to us.

I am so sorry you are feeling alone and sad, they are probably two of the worst feelings a person can experience, I hope by writing this , this is the moment you will no longer be in denial and therefore be able to begin working on changes to make life brighter.
I have now read all you have had to say about your relationship and my first words to myself was wow, that makes my last comment seem far more difficult to attain.
I am not confused by what you have said, I am sad for you, I am really sad for all of you because it doesn’t sound like any of you can be completely happy in this situation.
Yes I too am sure you both have your faults and I am sure you both can be awsome people but it does sound like at least one of you has given up on this relationship and its turning very sour.
One thing I would like to just say to you is, as a person that came from a broken home, please do not stay in a toxic enviroment “for your children” if it is bad then parents that are separated are far better than parents that are in a toxic, arguing, nasty relationship (im not saying you do that in front of your children) Im just saying, its no fun to hear your parents at each others throats. Back to you though - May I ask, did anything happen that make all this start? you say the issues stem from you? Its not my business I just wondered if there was a catalyst to all of this because that is something that could indeed be worked on if you really wanted to work on something?
If your marriage is over and you both are done, I would encourage you to move on with your life. I do not know much about divorce so you will have to excuse me but I am guessing the courts can prevent your wife from stopping you seeing your children. The reason I say this is because you all deserve to be happier, its enough already. its not ok to feel suicidal, you do deserve to feel loved and wanted, to be hugged and held, to spend time with a woman who wants you and you can have that, your life is far from over, You deserve happiness friend.
I have rambled a bit here, Im not an expert on relationships esp marriage but I want you to know I have heard you and Ive been honest in my thoughts, I hope you are not offended becasue I truly want nothing but happiness for you and your family. please keep in touch. Much Love Lisa. xx


It sounds like you have been suffering for a very long time. It also sounds like the relationship is probably beyond repair. Lisa is correct, staying together for the kids is not likely to be helping them. You can be sure that the kids sense the animosity between the two of you. The ongoing tension between the two of you also emotionally affects the children.

There are some significant parallels between your relationship with your wife and mine with my ex-wife. My ex was super controlling, verbally abusive, absolutely dedicated to getting rid of every bit of money we had and loved to humiliate me in front of the kids. She also drank and did drugs. She also had an explosive temper.

I was emotionally bereft and the only reason I didn’t leave or commit suicide was that I didn’t want to leave my kids alone with her. When my kids got to be in their teens, I felt that they were more able to survive being around her. However, that thought had not occurred to me until one day, quite unexpectedly, I realized that I had put up with all that I could, and couldn’t be around her for even one more day.

Splitting up was messy. I let her have everything except an old clunker of a van that I borrowed money against so I could escape. My ex did everything she could to turn my children and the community against me. She did not succeed. She only managed to ruin her own credibility.

For the longest time, I felt that my kids couldn’t possibly respect me because I had put up with so much abuse from her. Years later, they told me that they admired me because I didn’t fight back with the same childish tactics that she used.

I have seen some couples coexist peacefully for the sake of their children and security, but even when it’s peaceful there tends to be an undercurrent of depression and despair.

By the time it was over, I felt as though it was either suicide or get away from her. I also knew that suicide would leave my kids feeling profoundly rejected by me, and as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t want to leave them alone with her.

After the divorce, I swore to myself that I would never get involved with another woman. A couple of years later, I met and married someone incredible. That was 30 years ago, and we’re still happy. My children love her too.

My ex ended up happy-ish too, finding someone to get drunk with every day, the two of them living in a tiny cabin in the woods.

Sometimes, a trial separation can help couples figure out what they want to do next. I think the two of you are locked into an unhealthy pattern and the only way to know if that can change is if you can give each other some space.

I think it’s really important for you to hook up with a therapist. You are facing a challenging road towards healing, and would benefit greatly from talking to someone.

Please keep us posted about how you’re doing.

1 Like

Thank you Lisa, for your kind words and making me feel welcome.
Love the parrot in your picture as well, I am far from annoyed by your comments, its a fare assessment.
in regards to your question, I can say their was on defining moment that made things change, it felt little like a bait and switch, as for it being my fault it was not a single action I did that was more a reference towards me general for example all issues stem from me, her life was be bliss if it was not from me, the only problem is with me, and so on… meaning she does not take accountability for her side hope that make sense.

1 Like

Thank you for your long and consider message, and support.
I and sadden about your past and happy you managed to find someone it does give me hope.
Although I went through a very dark patch with dark thoughts, I don’t intent to kill my self, it would not be fair on all thoughs who do love me even if I am isolated from them, it would not be fair on me, and I would not want her to have won over me to that extent that i got their.

I know in my heart I love her, for god know why, and in every bone in my body I also know I need to move on for the best of all of us. its just sad as it not me who does not want to make this work.
anyway thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my message, to be herd does in deed help.

I will let you both know what lays ahead at the moment I don’t have a plan or a route forward, to be able to change this. always felt if I could earn enough to support them and live my own life I would be able to walk away having done the best by all, rather then leaving and it coursing hardship for her and more importantly my kids.

1 Like