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Belongs to: Therapist wishes you were here. (Pink Floyd)
what does it mean when you dont want to die, but dont give a shit if you do. just wondered. maybe feeling like that for 45 years means something? or nothing?
Thank you for sharing and posting. It’s completely okay to be grappling with emotions like these. Your feelings are valid and heard. It’s important to acknowledge that feeling indifferent about life and death can be incredibly confusing and isolating, but you’re not alone in this, you have a whole team behind you at Heart Support! 
Sometimes when life feels overwhelming or unfulfilling, we can fall into a place where we’re just going through the motions. It might feel like you’re stuck in a cycle, but recognizing these feelings is a courageous step. I’m glad you took it with this post! This shows that you’re reflecting on your life and seeking understanding, which is a beautiful thing in itself.
Please continue to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these thoughts. You are worthy of love and support. Keep going.
Sometimes, we give up on ourselves without giving up on our life as it is. It becomes about existing rather than truly living. Going through the motions without feeling the spark inside that would inspire movement in our heart. Life feels like a burden to carry, and you slowly become numb to whatever comes. You learn to walk on a fine line between life and death, where neither of them truly exist at the same time.
I’ve been where you are, and certainly am still trying to find my way against ways I’ve internalized to keep on sabotaging myself. My sister and I share similar traumas due to the environment we grew up in, and once she described to me what you’ve said in a different manner. To her, it feels like being an “NPC” (non-playable character, which is a term in video games to designate characters that are not the player, that are passive). To look life happening without waiting or expecting anything, but letting things happen. To endure life, without necessarily feeling pain, but overall its heaviness. Could it be good or bad, could it be life or death, it leaves you feeling that whatever happens, happens.
Of course, I don’t know what it says for you personally in light of your own journey. These are answers to explore and find through your own path. Personally, my experience with this level of numbness comes from various traumatic experiences and losses that happened over the years. Losing people especially made me lose a sense of meaning in life too. A lot of “why” questions unanswered that my brain just doesn’t seem to accept no matter how much I try.
Overall, it usually comes from a place of pain that we have been carrying with us. When life throws obstacles and hurt at you that feel impossible to overcome, or you didn’t have the support you needed at the time, a part of you might want to give up on yourself, even just passively. It’s about being alive without the effort it takes to be - for being is a risk to take, and surviving feels safer. When you’re hurt, tired, overwhelmed, it makes sense to feel that way. To just not care anymore.
Your voice matters, my friend. It deserves to be heard, just like your story. I don’t know if you ever had the possibility to share it, or maybe to process with someone the wounds you might have been carrying with you for a long time now… but if you ever need that place, know you have it here. Sometimes it takes small steps to create a great impact in the long run. What’s behind your numbness and your loss of interest for life in general, is a story worth sharing, my friend.
-Marie-Anne
@@HeartSupport i’ve no idea how i want to be. the things i used to enjoy have become a burden and i feel no joy in anything any more. i bury myself in work because its the only thing that gives me any satisfaction, even though it is just filling a hole with more nothingness.
@@HeartSupport i wish i felt loved but i am alone, and have no one in my life. im just so very tired of everything.