it must be the levetiracetam that is destroying me.
i’ve spent all day crying. i’ve spent the past nights tossing in bed from horrible, horrible nightmares. i woke at six on saturday from nightmares and got up, got dressed, and ran outside, not knowing where i was going in the dark, just running from myself under the orange lamplights. my lungs hurt after a while and i sobbed, quietly, slowed and started stumbling through sleeping apartment complexes and past dark windows on empty streets.
i can’t go on like this. it must be these anti-seizure meds, right? it must be the meds. i haven’t felt this bad before, ever. or maybe i have and i’ve forgotten because i’m ungrateful for how good things can be? i’ve been crying from everything for the past week, from the news, documentaries shown in history class, birds screaming in the trees, character deaths in novels, children smiling at me, friends laughing with me, the sun rising over chilly landscapes. i’ve been crying all the time and sleeping all the time and not finishing anything, failing things, gagging at smells, crying at happy things, sad things, happy things that are so good they make me hurt inside with how ungrateful and undeserving i am of them.
why, why do i have the people that love me? why do they love me and care for me when i obviously don’t deserve them in my life when i’m so weak? why are they still here when i’m so weak i can’t even take medications meant to help me, when i haven’t finished a project worth 10% of my grade that’s due tomorrow, when i’m stupid, when i get tired so easily, when i’m not pretty or fun to be around or talented or even particularly nice? i’m so cruel and judging and awkward and i don’t deserve the people who have been caring for me all this time, my roommates, my parents, my coworkers, anyone who has ever seen anything in me. there is nothing to see in me all i am is this mess, sobbing all weekend, all i am is this burden that has been crying and is red and blotchy and ugly normally anyway. why haven’t these people left me when i don’t deserve them and how good they are? and why am i still here when the world doesn’t need me in it because i’m not good enough? wouldn’t it be better if i just wasn’t here and didn’t need to bother anyone with my crying, with my sleeplessness, with my sickness and weakness?
i don’t deserve any of the people who have been good to me. someone stopped and asked me if i was okay when i was sitting on the bench late at night, crying, and i lied and said yes i am okay, but i also wanted to say, don’t worry about me even though i’m lying because you’re a good person and i don’t deserve your concern. when i’m so lazy and horrible and disgusting and weak, i don’t deserve you asking if i’m okay.
and if this isn’t the medication talking, if this isn’t the levetiracetam making me this weak, then this is just proving what i’ve already known, which is that i’m weak and can’t even handle a little sickness, a little difficulty in life. i’m weak and i just want to sleep, i just want to sleep forever and never burden anyone ever again. i’ll have to quit my job because i can’t handle work and school anymore and i feel horrible because my boss needs people, we’re getting so busy, but i can’t do this. i’ve had my friends worry about me for so long, too long, and they shouldn’t have to do that because they’re good people and they should be happy and not weighed down by stupid, weak, sick, me.
i just want to keep running from these nightmares, waking nightmares, sleeping nightmares, but i’m so weak and so tired and all i am doing is crying. all i can do is cry. all i can do is cry when my roommates are out so they don’t have to hear me, because i don’t deserve them, and they don’t deserve to have to waste their time on me.