What if it never actually gets better?

HeartSupport Support
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So, I’ve been wanting to post on here for a long time now. I am a volunteer with Heart Support and I’ve created this anonymous account because I was too ashamed for people to know who I am. I’m ashamed and feel like a massive fake for telling people on the wall that it’s going to be okay whenever I feel as if I’m not going to be okay myself. I am so terrified to get kicked out as a volunteer because HS is the last thing in my life that makes me feel some kind of purpose.

So today, I’m sitting here at my job, hoping that this will help me in someway. I am currently working a job that is so emotionally and mentally draining that all I can do is go home and sleep - I can’t eat, I’ve lost all motivation for things I used to love - and I can’t quit this job because I don’t have a car to get a better one.

My marriage is falling apart and I don’t even know if I care anymore. I don’t feel the same way for my husband as I used to - all there is is bitterness and the desire for more somewhere else.

I haven’t prayed in months because I’ve lost all faith.

I’m cutting again. I haven’t self harmed in so long and now I do it every night. I give myself bruises by pinching my arms really hard whenever I’m at work. My medicine doesn’t help anymore. I just feel like I’m constantly in a dream, watching my life go by. I want to die. I cannot get thoughts of suicide out of my head anymore. If I get the courage, I’m terrified that I’m going to do it. I need help. I need something to get better or I’m going to die.

I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I don’t think it’s going to be okay. I think I’ll always be stuck in a mediocre marriage, this lifeless shell of a body, in a shitty town, a shitty job where I’m told everyday I’m not good enough.

I don’t know, I really don’t.

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Hey @dallasjoy,

Thank you so much for reaching out. If I may, I want to address your post in different sections.

Although I’m not a volunteer at HS (well, other than trying to encourage people on the Support Wall), I doubt they would kick you out if they learned about your struggles. No one is perfect. If one of the requirements to be a volunteer at HS was “to be perfect” then there wouldn’t be anyone working at HS. Have you tried confiding in someone trustworthy on the team in order to get their thoughts on what you should do?

Know that you’re not alone - Last I checked, approximately 85% of people don’t like their jobs. Are you currently using public transportation to get to your job since you don’t have a car? Would it be possible to change jobs and use the same mode of transportation? Or, would you rather save up to buy a car, and then change jobs?

Although I’ve never been married (yet), I’ve had my fair share of relationships. Love is a choice. Feelings will eventually fade, but love remains the same. Does your husband know about the thoughts that you’re struggling with? Maybe it would be worth it to see a family counselor? Or perhaps a private counselor first?

Sometimes churches have support groups (more specifically, a group called Celebrate Recovery). Have you checked this out? It might be worth looking into.

One point that is written in HeartSupport’s book ReWrite is the difference between “guilt” and “shame”. You’re going through an extremely difficult season, but please try your absolute best to stay out of the “shame” category. Have you considered visiting a psychiatrist to reassign a medication that works? I needed to do that, myself, when my body/mind grew tolerant to Zoloft. In the meantime, do not isolate yourself. During deep swings of depression, the last thing you want to do is to be with people, but I promise you, being with good company is one of the healthiest things you can do.

I would suggest taking everything one step at a time. For example, Step #1 could be to focus on your marriage (via [couples] counseling). By beginning to repair this, you’ll start to feel better in other aspects of your life, sort of like a domino effect. Or, Step #1 could be figuring out what to do about your job. If worst-comes-to-worst, sometimes completely uprooting yourself and building a community elsewhere could be healthiest (this would mean a new job in a new town, which’ll bring life back into your body - upon also working on your marriage). Anyway, I hope this helped a little bit. You’re strong. Remember that.

-Eric

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Hi friend. I know how it feels to be stuck in a hole feeling like the only way out is to end it and self harming seems like the only way to cope with those feelings you are not alone. We love you and you won’t be judged by HS for your struggles. Keep fighting. You got this.

Kayla

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Friend, let me just start by saying it’s okay to struggle. Even as a volunteer. I know how that feels. You want to have all the answers and help others, but you’re going through it and struggling too. It happens. We’re all human here. And it’s okay to be honest about struggling. Maybe you need to take a step back from helping out for a while. Maybe you just need to reach out for some more support. That’s all okay. No one expects perfection or expects that you’re gonna be okay all the time. Sometimes helping others with the stuff we do here brings up some of our own struggles and hang ups. When that happens, it’s a sign we need to get our own help or take care of ourselves better. So don’t be afraid of being honest with what you’re going through. Us leaders and volunteers should be a safe community for you to come to. We’ve all been through this kind of thing and that’s why we do it. So I hope you keep reaching out and sharing what’s going on with you. It takes a lot of courage and I’m glad you’re here talking about what you’re going through.

I encourage you to seek help outside of just this though. You’re on medication, so I’m assuming you have a psychiatrist or doctor prescribing that. If it’s not working anymore, you should go back and talk to them about that. I know that’s hard and frustrating. But medication is such a variable thing. It takes a long time to get it right and sometimes it doesn’t work forever.

You’re going to get through this friend. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s gonna get better. We’re here for you.

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dallasjoy,
Glad you are here. HS would never kick you out because you are struggling. We all struggle in some way or another. You can always get another job or take some time off to get your life back in order. It’s okay not to be okay it’s all about what you choose to do in the situation. Self harm may seem like it helps but there are so many safe coping techniques you can do instead. Try to replace your object with a red pen. Or snap a rubber band on your wrist, it’s not the best way but has the same effect without permanent damage. This world is a better place with you in it please stay. I would look into a therapist if you dont already have one and if you do you may want to look into a different one to get a different perspective on things. Things do get better just hold on and keep fighting.

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Dallasjoy,

Here’s the quick response: It does actually get better. It might feel like it never will, but it will.

Thank you for sharing. It’s really courageous of you to be open about your feelings. We would never kick you out as a volunteer because you are struggling. We all struggle and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay.

I would really encourage you to seek some sort of community that you can physically visit. It could be one person, like a therapist or counselor, or it could be a group like a church group. Meeting with people when you’re feeling any of the things you have described can be extremely helpful. It’s normal enough to feel disconnected from reality in the society we live in. The best way I have found to counter this feeling is to be in community with others. To find a good, supportive, and life-giving community is often difficult, but I know you can do it. You have already invested yourself in a community just like that here at HeartSupport. I would encourage you to try to do the same with people in your area.

I have another little piece of advice. You had faith at one point, so it’s not entirely foreign to you. I would strongly encourage you to pray a little bit, even if you don’t believe it will work. Just try. Pray earnestly that God would show you a way out of this headspace. Pray that you would find a way to recover your faith and live passionately for Christ. I KNOW you can do this. I believe in you.

Also, it might be a good idea to look into some of the new HS resources like Dwarf Planet, the workbook on depression.

Hold fast. It WILL get better. You are loved here and we will never give up on you. Please don’t give up on yourself – we are here for you. We love you. You are needed in this world. The strongest faith and most passionate joy comes from overcoming trials like this one. You will overcome.

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Thank you so much for your reply and advice. I really appreciate it.
My little brother brings me to work every day, but he won’t bring me any farther than the town we live in because it’s our grandpa’s car that he drives. In order for me to get a job doing something I love, I would have to get a car to drive to cities near by. Plus, we live waaay out in the country, I don’t think public transformation goes out that far.
And we’ve been burned by so many churches in the area that there’s really no options left, I think that is part of the reason I’ve been so depressed too. We don’t have that kind of community anymore.

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dallasjoy,

Thank you for being so vulnerable.
I’ve felt the same way about working for HS and also at the same time feeling like shit so often.
Know that we love you though.
Most of the volunteers that do the support wall team have actually used it at some point, like myself, to find encouragement. That doesn’t make you less than or even unqualified to respond to others. I think it actually makes you more qualified to respond because you can relate.

Remember that the truth you share to others- that there is hope, you are loved, and you are needed, is true for you as well.

Keep holding fast to what you know is true even when it doesn’t seem that way.

Hold Fast,
-SJ

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