So, I’ve been wanting to post on here for a long time now. I am a volunteer with Heart Support and I’ve created this anonymous account because I was too ashamed for people to know who I am. I’m ashamed and feel like a massive fake for telling people on the wall that it’s going to be okay whenever I feel as if I’m not going to be okay myself. I am so terrified to get kicked out as a volunteer because HS is the last thing in my life that makes me feel some kind of purpose.
So today, I’m sitting here at my job, hoping that this will help me in someway. I am currently working a job that is so emotionally and mentally draining that all I can do is go home and sleep - I can’t eat, I’ve lost all motivation for things I used to love - and I can’t quit this job because I don’t have a car to get a better one.
My marriage is falling apart and I don’t even know if I care anymore. I don’t feel the same way for my husband as I used to - all there is is bitterness and the desire for more somewhere else.
I haven’t prayed in months because I’ve lost all faith.
I’m cutting again. I haven’t self harmed in so long and now I do it every night. I give myself bruises by pinching my arms really hard whenever I’m at work. My medicine doesn’t help anymore. I just feel like I’m constantly in a dream, watching my life go by. I want to die. I cannot get thoughts of suicide out of my head anymore. If I get the courage, I’m terrified that I’m going to do it. I need help. I need something to get better or I’m going to die.
I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I don’t think it’s going to be okay. I think I’ll always be stuck in a mediocre marriage, this lifeless shell of a body, in a shitty town, a shitty job where I’m told everyday I’m not good enough.
I don’t know, I really don’t.