What I'm going through, please help

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Hi so I’d like to mention that I’m 18 years old, so this helps with appropriate responses and advice (Thank you to anyone that replies to this).

I’m horrible at verbalising how I feel or accurately recalling situations, so I’m going to word this how it’s easiest for me.
When I was 17, I got kicked out my dad’s house for smoking too much green. This led me to move in my with my mother who lives on the other side of the globe (they are divorced). Me and my dad do not get along very well and haven’t been since I was around 11 years old. He has narcissism and anger issues, and struggles to see views outside his own, but I know and accept this much because he is in his 50s. Because living at home with him is insufferable, I forcibly gained an outgoing personality, spent most of my time at work or outside till late hours. I hated being at home, I hated feeling uncomfortable in my own home. Even though I was already struggling with mental health issues at home, It wasn’t anything as bad as it is now.

Recently, living abroad with my mother feels even worse. This is where it gets bad for me, I blame myself constantly for being this way, and causing problems to both my parents, especially driving my mother insane, but I can’t help but feel everything she yells at me for my “own good”, makes me want to sink even furthur into this depression. I think I’m the problem, which I most likely am, because why do both my parents treat me like I was the worst mistake of their life? Anyways, I spend 99% of my time in bed, waking up at stupid hours like 7-8pm and I can’t bring myself to get up or even do any hobbies that used to bring me joy. I miss my friends and people outside my family that used to support me, I feel a big sense of being left out, especially at this age where everyone around me is starting to do things I’ve always thought about doing at 18. Driving, travelling, clubbing, just stupid shit in general. I feel so lonely and so trapped in my own head, I know I should listen to my mum when she yells at me at 2pm to get up and stop rotting all day like a sloth, but I just can’t. I physically and mentally can’t anymore.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I have no plans to end my life, however the thought of it is always on my mind. I have no friends to talk about my problems too, and even if I did, I always feel uncomfortable opening up. I have a lot of traits that my father has, like his anger and stubborness. I know I should make effort to at LEAST get up in the morning, but I always just think whats the point? I have no one to see or nothing to look forward too. I don’t go to physical school here anymore, I do online homeschooling with the system of my home country, so I can’t even make friends in that way either. I don’t like this country, I want to go back home, I miss my friends and my room, I miss my siblings, but I feel so selfish. Why do I feel uncomfortable and out of place wherever I am?

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Hey myavhs,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a tough time. It sounds incredibly hard, and I just want you to know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by all this. It’s a lot for anyone to handle, especially at 18.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. Being in a situation where you feel constantly criticized and out of place can be really draining and can definitely impact you. It’s understandable that you’d struggle with feeling depressed and isolated when the support systems you used to have feel so far away. Feeling disconnected from what brings you joy and from the people who make you feel understood can leave you feeling really lonely.

I also get why you might find yourself thinking that you’re the problem, especially when things get tough at home. But I can assure you, having difficulties with family and feeling out of place doesn’t mean you’re a mistake or the problem. Families can be complicated, and emotional dynamics like what you’re describing with your dad and mom can make anyone feel insecure or unsure about themselves.

When I’ve felt stuck or down, one thing that helped was trying to connect with my feelings through writing or any form of art. It didn’t solve everything, but expressing myself in a way that didn’t require direct confrontation or explanation to anyone else provided some relief. It was a way to be heard, even if just by myself. Also, seeking out small, everyday things that I could look forward to helped a bit—like a delicious meal, a comforting conversation I had with someone, or just a quiet moment alone with my thoughts at a certain time of day.

You mentioned not having many people to talk to about how you’re feeling. It might feel daunting, and I sincerely appreciate the fact that you are reaching out to people online. It’s not the same as having friends nearby, but sometimes it helps just knowing there are others out there who understand what you’re going through.

Lastly, it’s really brave of you to share your feelings and thoughts about how challenging things have been. While it’s understandable to have these thoughts, it’s important to talk to someone who can provide professional support. Even if it’s just a helpline or a counseling service—sometimes speaking to someone who is removed from the situation can offer some comfort and perspective. If you need further connections, I’m more than willing to help you with this.

It’s okay to not have all the answers right now, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. You’re doing the best you can with the situation you’re in, and that’s enough for the moment. Just take things one step at a time. I hope this message can help you a little, and thank you for your time for reading this.

Best wishes,
Gary

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Thank you for taking time out of your day to read what I’m going through and replying, I really appreciate it.
I’ve been trying to make a bit of effort for myself, I’ve been getting up earlier than 7pm and engaging in hobbies a bit more. I have even been going back to gym, which was once my favourite thing to do. Even though a lot of it feels forced, I think the fact that I’m able to push myself is at least a baby step.
I’ve been trying to research affordable therapy options, or at least teach myself to be able to open up to people close to me. It’s all a long and draining process for me, but I’m trying slowly.
Your comment is really heart warming to read and has made me feel better about my situation, it’s comforting to know that there are empathetic people like you that are able to hear people out. Thank you so much <3

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Thank you for updating! Congratulations on making the first move!!! You’re doing incredibly well by taking those steps towards self-care and re-engagement with the things you love. It’s absolutely okay for it to feel a bit forced at first—sometimes we have to “fake it till we make it” when it comes to reigniting our passion for life and activities. Every small step is a victory and a testament to your strength and determination.

I’m glad you’re considering therapy and opening up to people around you. Both are big steps in understanding and managing your feelings more deeply. It’s not an easy journey, but you’re showing a lot of courage by taking it on.

Keep celebrating the small wins, and know that it’s okay to have tough days too. You’re making progress, and that’s what truly matters. Keep going—you’ve got this! :muscle::sparkling_heart: