What is Happening? Confused about Life and Therapy. Need to Rant about Dad

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Hey Friends,

I’m having a rough time right now. It’s going to be a long one.
I recently started therapy with a local professional - their office was really nice, and they said they had virtual options… It was really nice at first, and felt like I was getting comfortable with the therapist after only a few sessions.

… But they’ve ghosted me… I literally don’t understand what happened??
I needed to have one of my appointments virtually, and I called and spoke with the receptionist, who took my information (email etc) and said that my therapist would send me the links for the virtual session.

The problem is that I never heard from them on the day of my appointment.
I waited an extra 10 minutes just refreshing my email to see if he would send links after running late or something, and after nothing came through I called the office. I just got the voicemail, so I left a message with my information, and they literally just. Ghosted me. What the fuck??? This is extremely unprofessional and rude in my opinion, and I have no idea why this would happen.

I’m not really sure what to do. I feel bitter about sitting down and taking the time to find another therapist when they should have recommended me somewhere else if they had too much on their schedule. I also don’t want to do Betterhelp or anything like that because they don’t accept insurance, and I cannot afford $80/week! They say that it’s cheaper than regular therapy but it is not that affordable to be completely honest. It’s like $200/month just for the basics, but that doesn’t include actual therapy sessions. The minimum for that is almost $400/month which is too much for my budget while paying off student loans and everything else.

This is really screwed up and I’m so confused and I feel like I did something wrong, but they have all of my information and just. Won’t contact me. They still haven’t called me back. I don’t even want to call them again, I’ve tried and I always get the VM, it’s like the receptionist is always out to lunch no matter the hour of day.

I’m super annoyed and I have no idea what I want to do. Part of me wants to just say screw this and not try to look for another place, but the other part of me knows that probably isn’t my best move. I want to cry but I can’t. There’s just a permanent lump in my throat and I can’t figure out how to feel.

I also had a whole debacle with my dad earlier, because of my car insurance. To explain a bit, I drive their vehicle, but I pay for the insurance because it’s an older car, and they are allowing me to use it until I save up for my own vehicle. About a month ago, I asked my dad about the car insurance, because it was set to expire on 3/30. He said he didn’t get the card yet, but he’d send me an email once he had it. Okay, cool.

Today, I got an email from my work asking me to send my updated insurance, because I drive for work sometimes. I went “oh shit” and checked my email and found nothing from dad about the card. So I texted him to ask about it and he turns it on me, saying “I sent that a long time ago, you should already have it. You need to be more careful… blah blah, typical dad speech”. First of all, it expired 5 days ago, so how in the HELL did you send it to me “a long time ago”?? What is a long time to you, dad? I tried to point out that it had just expired a few days ago, and followed up by assuring him that I checked my emails and didn’t find anything from him. I followed up with another text several minutes later after double checking to tell him I definitely don’t have it.

He then goes on to continue lecturing me, saying “you need to have that stuff in your car, one accident or get pulled over and you could get fined extra, etc.”… I feel like he just totally flipped it on me and made ME out to be irresponsible, when I asked him for this shit over a month ago and he forgot about it. That’s not my fault dude. I pay him $350 every quarter for the insurance, and he has NEVER had to remind me to send him money, so why should I have to remind a grown ass man in his 40’s that he needs to send the updated insurance card to the person who paid for it? Regardless of whether or not I’m his daughter.

And why did he need to turn it around on me like that? I get that he was partially expressing concern, but he could have just owned up to his BS and been like “sorry dude, I forgot to send that to you, I’ll get to it as soon as I get home, please be really careful driving. If you get caught without it… etc etc”. Not gaslight me and make me feel stupid for no reason. I know for sure I asked him about the insurance, because I was AT his HOUSE and went to the car to SHOW HIM the dates on the registration AND insurance. I just don’t get it. I’m so done. I can’t wait until this summer when I buy my own vehicle and I can finally just ignore the stupid bullshit gaslighting that he does. I bet he didn’t even bother to check his sent folder in his email to see that he didn’t send me jack shit.

I’m going to visit him this weekend, and I just know he’s going to bring this up again and berate me about it, and I do not have the damn patience anymore. He’s been doing this my whole life, and I literally cannot. I don’t want to, I’ve been through enough and a chunk of it by his own doing through my upbringing… i.e. literally carved a wooden paddle and drilled holes in it and threatened me with it as a kid. Even though he never hit me with it, the emotional manipulation was more than enough to scar me.

I just want to be done. I’ll visit for holidays but I’m done otherwise, I have no reason to put up with that, and I have a right to be treated with respect by my own parents. I’m fairly successful for my age, and the car is literally the only thing I have that is my parents. I didn’t even ask for the car, it was offered to me. I’m not on their phone plan, I’m not on anything else of theirs, I worked through school, I’m paying for my own educational loans, so why does my dad act like I’m still 7 years old and try to make up some dumb shit that I know is a lie? UGHHHH I can’t stop myself I’m sorry, I’m just so confused and annoyed and maybe my own dad’s behavior towards me is part of why I SUCK at relationships and think I’m being attacked all the time.

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want that to define me, and I’m tired of putting myself in front of it when I literally don’t have to. I love my dad and stepmom, but I want to be able to love myself. I can’t do that if somebody close to me is always telling me I’m wrong, I’m awful, I’m irresponsible, I’m dumb, I need to do this, I need to do that better, I need to be doing this different, I’m doing good but not good enough. When is it going to be enough?

When can I feel like I’ve satisfied that kind of person? Never, right? Like I just will never be good enough for my dad, and fuck putting myself in that environment. My mom and step dad think I’m good enough. All my grandparents think I’m good enough. My boyfriend thinks I’m good enough. My cousins think I’m good enough. In fact they all think I’m better than ‘good enough’. They think I’m doing a fantastic job and have told me how proud of me they are through EVERY situation. Why can’t my dad be supportive like that? Why does everything need to be my fault all the time? There ARE circumstances which are NOT in my control sometimes, yet in his eyes I’m not allowed to acknowledge that because it makes me weak and lame and dumb. Why can’t I just accept a situation and deal with it? Why can’t things be white and gray and dark gray and light gray and black? Why does he think it has to be so black and white? I hate that I think like him sometimes too…

I need to stop ranting, I’m sorry. I’m trying to figure out a lot right now and it feels nice to write these things out, even if I never find the answers I’m looking for.

Anyway. Thank you for letting me rant.
I’ll take any advice I can get for either of these situations.
I really just want to be invisible right now.

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Hello @bluejay_18,

I hope that after such a tumultuous series of events that the future holds some more stability and regularity for you. It seems like the receptionist at the therapy office is perhaps taking some lessons from your father about non-communication. If you like your therapist, could you contact him/ her directly or do you have another contact at the office? It might be helpful to understand whether only the receptionist fails to relay your messages for whatever reason or whether it is the entire staff at the therapy office that is consistently non-responsive. Especially if it is the latter, I wouldn’t hesitate to search for alternative options – there should be another place that accepts your insurance and ultimately the therapy is intended to benefit you and not create additional frustration.

As for your father, it sounds like you have a postive plan going forwards to purchase your own vehicle. In the meantime, if you are listed on the insurance policy, would it be possible to have the insurance company send the cards and any other communications to both you and your father? That way you wouldn’t need to go through your father to get the updated insurance cards. When you do visit your father and if he starts criticizing you, I would tend to stick to the lawyer-like facts of the situation to help diffuse the emotions as much as possible: “I sent the money on X date and never received an email. I then followed up with you when I did not receive the email I expected from you.” Going forwards, please continue to surround yourself with the many people in your life who are supportive and remember that this online community knows that you are good enough.

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Is the therapist’s office one that is easily accessible to you? Would you be able to give them a visit in person to see what’s up? Could you try searching online (social media posts, etc) in case there was a change in their contact info that they failed to update clients about it? Maybe also ask them if it’s possible for them to send messages to your phone as part of the confirmation process for upcoming appointments. Stick with it, it seems the therapist themselves was pretty good, but there were some hiccups with the organizational part of it!

As for the bit about your dad, it’s quite a thing when just one person makes us feel so terribly about our selves isn’t it, even when we have a pretty wonderful sounding support system that love and support you and think you’re great.

I love Seeker’s advice to stick to lawyer-like facts. One effective way to navigate feelings and judgements are to get folks to focus on details and specifics, and this keeps the conversation on point and structured as well!

You ARE enough :slight_smile:
For what it’s worth I applaud you for the insights you’re having, the progress you are making, for being here with us and letting these big emotions out and conveying them so clearly in your post too!

Sometimes, for me, when someone is failing to be what I need them to be, I ask myself honestly to consider if they have the capacity to indeed be those things. One of the most powerful things I heard when I was younger was, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have”. And that is what I have reminded myself. Especially parents, sometimes they can’t/won’t/aren’t the things we need (Supportive, comforting, dependable, protecting), and that’s part of who and how they are, and not a reflection on us as their kids. Sometimes we have to create the “ideal” parent in our heads, and then realize what the actual parent can or cannot be or so for us, and change the expectations we have of them.

So if your dad has demonstrated that this is how he interacts with you, keep it to the facts, don’t get lost in a wave of emotions when he forgets to follow up then blames you. Redirect the energy into getting the task done, because that’s what you need from him. If his approval is important and desired, but also probably not worth the sacrifices (believing his lies, gaslighting, meanness, etc), then start to the slow process of healing yourself from the hurt that is caused by broken expectations.

You’re wonderful, you’re trying so hard, don’t let someone’s wrong beliefs and attitudes towards you define who you.
You’re loved and appreciated, and you matter, just as you are. Wishing you well friend!

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I just started therapy thru the state. There is a law in California where if you meet their criteria for mental health, you can have free therapy. It’s thru the Behavioral Health Dept thru the state, so that’s something you can look into. I’m not sure if it’s in every state. I hope you can figure things out with your father. I have a strained relationship with my father, so I can relate to some of your story. You have a choice now to see him or not, which is great. I hope that you can figure things out! ~Mystrose

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, bluejay! Thank you for sharing your rant with us. I hope letting all of that out helped you some. I know how therapeutic it can feel to just get a load of thoughts written out.

Your therapist situation sounds very odd. Have you thought about visiting their office during office hours to see if you can get some answers? I also hope that you at the very least find another therapist as it sounds like it was really helping you and that’s wonderful. Please don’t let this bad experience discourage you from continuing to find the help you want.

As for your dad he sounds very condescending and you are perfectly within your rights to not want to have much to do with him. I have friends who do the same thing where they basically just visit their parents on holidays and that’s it. It is a perfectly valid and adult decision to make. I’m glad that you do have support from your boyfriend and cousins and I hope you focus more on their positive encouragement rather than your dad’s criticism.
My parents tend to treat me like a child still a lot as well sometimes acting like they think I cannot function on my own and constantly trying to baby me (I’m their youngest) and it is very trying at times so I can understand your frustration.

Good luck with therapy and keep being the awesome functioning adult that you are. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, thank you for your post, it saddens me to hear the frustration and upset in it. I am going to start with your therapy, I really do not know what on earth went on with that and the only thing I can suggest is that you try to find another therapist in your area. I am sorry that happened to you, it was very unprofessional and upsetting for you. I am also really saddened by the relationship you have with your dad, its like all these people respect and value you except the one you want the most and that breaks my heart for you. Have you ever just sat and had a one on one conversation with you dad about how you feel regarding your relationship? have you ever told him that you feel the way you do and that it feel like nothing you do is good enough for him? I would love for you to have that conversation if you could, you may find that he doesnt even realise that he does it. Some people have no idea how they come across to others and are shocked when informed. its just a thought. If it doesnt work out for you just remember you told us how much you are loved by so many and how amazing you truly are. Much love Lisa. x

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From: crazytrain116

Hey there friend. I’m sorry to hear about your current therapist ghosting you and how your dad will not show you the love and consideration the rest of your family does. Both issues stink period and you deserve to have access to a good provider for therapy and be viewed as the responsible adult that you are by your dad. I would recommend shopping for a new therapist, because what they did completely unprofessional and you are have more than done your due diligence with contacting them. One suggestion I would make having been through trying to find the right therapist myself would be checking who is in network on your insurance if its decent and maybe see who the better rated ones are. It’s not perfect, but its one angle you could take. With your Dad you can set the boundaries of how involved he is in your life and when you are able to cut the last thing that tying you to him (the car insurance) do it if you feel it is right. You are not invisiible in this world and deserve proper treatment for therapy and healthy relationship with your dad whatever that may look like. We love you, see you, and are here for you if you need anything. Hold fast and much love! Evan

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