I’m having a rough time right now. It’s going to be a long one.
I recently started therapy with a local professional - their office was really nice, and they said they had virtual options… It was really nice at first, and felt like I was getting comfortable with the therapist after only a few sessions.
… But they’ve ghosted me… I literally don’t understand what happened??
I needed to have one of my appointments virtually, and I called and spoke with the receptionist, who took my information (email etc) and said that my therapist would send me the links for the virtual session.
The problem is that I never heard from them on the day of my appointment.
I waited an extra 10 minutes just refreshing my email to see if he would send links after running late or something, and after nothing came through I called the office. I just got the voicemail, so I left a message with my information, and they literally just. Ghosted me. What the fuck??? This is extremely unprofessional and rude in my opinion, and I have no idea why this would happen.
I’m not really sure what to do. I feel bitter about sitting down and taking the time to find another therapist when they should have recommended me somewhere else if they had too much on their schedule. I also don’t want to do Betterhelp or anything like that because they don’t accept insurance, and I cannot afford $80/week! They say that it’s cheaper than regular therapy but it is not that affordable to be completely honest. It’s like $200/month just for the basics, but that doesn’t include actual therapy sessions. The minimum for that is almost $400/month which is too much for my budget while paying off student loans and everything else.
This is really screwed up and I’m so confused and I feel like I did something wrong, but they have all of my information and just. Won’t contact me. They still haven’t called me back. I don’t even want to call them again, I’ve tried and I always get the VM, it’s like the receptionist is always out to lunch no matter the hour of day.
I’m super annoyed and I have no idea what I want to do. Part of me wants to just say screw this and not try to look for another place, but the other part of me knows that probably isn’t my best move. I want to cry but I can’t. There’s just a permanent lump in my throat and I can’t figure out how to feel.
I also had a whole debacle with my dad earlier, because of my car insurance. To explain a bit, I drive their vehicle, but I pay for the insurance because it’s an older car, and they are allowing me to use it until I save up for my own vehicle. About a month ago, I asked my dad about the car insurance, because it was set to expire on 3/30. He said he didn’t get the card yet, but he’d send me an email once he had it. Okay, cool.
Today, I got an email from my work asking me to send my updated insurance, because I drive for work sometimes. I went “oh shit” and checked my email and found nothing from dad about the card. So I texted him to ask about it and he turns it on me, saying “I sent that a long time ago, you should already have it. You need to be more careful… blah blah, typical dad speech”. First of all, it expired 5 days ago, so how in the HELL did you send it to me “a long time ago”?? What is a long time to you, dad? I tried to point out that it had just expired a few days ago, and followed up by assuring him that I checked my emails and didn’t find anything from him. I followed up with another text several minutes later after double checking to tell him I definitely don’t have it.
He then goes on to continue lecturing me, saying “you need to have that stuff in your car, one accident or get pulled over and you could get fined extra, etc.”… I feel like he just totally flipped it on me and made ME out to be irresponsible, when I asked him for this shit over a month ago and he forgot about it. That’s not my fault dude. I pay him $350 every quarter for the insurance, and he has NEVER had to remind me to send him money, so why should I have to remind a grown ass man in his 40’s that he needs to send the updated insurance card to the person who paid for it? Regardless of whether or not I’m his daughter.
And why did he need to turn it around on me like that? I get that he was partially expressing concern, but he could have just owned up to his BS and been like “sorry dude, I forgot to send that to you, I’ll get to it as soon as I get home, please be really careful driving. If you get caught without it… etc etc”. Not gaslight me and make me feel stupid for no reason. I know for sure I asked him about the insurance, because I was AT his HOUSE and went to the car to SHOW HIM the dates on the registration AND insurance. I just don’t get it. I’m so done. I can’t wait until this summer when I buy my own vehicle and I can finally just ignore the stupid bullshit gaslighting that he does. I bet he didn’t even bother to check his sent folder in his email to see that he didn’t send me jack shit.
I’m going to visit him this weekend, and I just know he’s going to bring this up again and berate me about it, and I do not have the damn patience anymore. He’s been doing this my whole life, and I literally cannot. I don’t want to, I’ve been through enough and a chunk of it by his own doing through my upbringing… i.e. literally carved a wooden paddle and drilled holes in it and threatened me with it as a kid. Even though he never hit me with it, the emotional manipulation was more than enough to scar me.
I just want to be done. I’ll visit for holidays but I’m done otherwise, I have no reason to put up with that, and I have a right to be treated with respect by my own parents. I’m fairly successful for my age, and the car is literally the only thing I have that is my parents. I didn’t even ask for the car, it was offered to me. I’m not on their phone plan, I’m not on anything else of theirs, I worked through school, I’m paying for my own educational loans, so why does my dad act like I’m still 7 years old and try to make up some dumb shit that I know is a lie? UGHHHH I can’t stop myself I’m sorry, I’m just so confused and annoyed and maybe my own dad’s behavior towards me is part of why I SUCK at relationships and think I’m being attacked all the time.
I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want that to define me, and I’m tired of putting myself in front of it when I literally don’t have to. I love my dad and stepmom, but I want to be able to love myself. I can’t do that if somebody close to me is always telling me I’m wrong, I’m awful, I’m irresponsible, I’m dumb, I need to do this, I need to do that better, I need to be doing this different, I’m doing good but not good enough. When is it going to be enough?
When can I feel like I’ve satisfied that kind of person? Never, right? Like I just will never be good enough for my dad, and fuck putting myself in that environment. My mom and step dad think I’m good enough. All my grandparents think I’m good enough. My boyfriend thinks I’m good enough. My cousins think I’m good enough. In fact they all think I’m better than ‘good enough’. They think I’m doing a fantastic job and have told me how proud of me they are through EVERY situation. Why can’t my dad be supportive like that? Why does everything need to be my fault all the time? There ARE circumstances which are NOT in my control sometimes, yet in his eyes I’m not allowed to acknowledge that because it makes me weak and lame and dumb. Why can’t I just accept a situation and deal with it? Why can’t things be white and gray and dark gray and light gray and black? Why does he think it has to be so black and white? I hate that I think like him sometimes too…
I need to stop ranting, I’m sorry. I’m trying to figure out a lot right now and it feels nice to write these things out, even if I never find the answers I’m looking for.
Anyway. Thank you for letting me rant.
I’ll take any advice I can get for either of these situations.
I really just want to be invisible right now.