What is wrong with me I hate this

I don’t want anybody to tell me that I’m some amazing, beautiful person right now. For that reason I almost didn’t post on here. I don’t want to be this person who cant help herself on her own. But I feel like such a selfish bitch.
I tell myself that it’s my mother who is one of the people I love most. And yet I just completely ruined her day and fought with her. We screamed at each other, and I feel like the stupidest, selfish person Ive ever been. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. What is wrong with me. Why can’t I be a good person. I push away everyone, keep my dreams and hopes secret, and then I stupidly feel sorry for myself. It’s ridiculous.
My parents got me this awesome new electric guitar I’ve been wanting for a while that cost a lot. And in return, I ruin my mom’s day I cause my dad to snap at me I yell at my mom I cause fights what THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
And what upsets me too is that if this is the result of the bullying when I was much younger. Has it molded me into this permanent person? I thought I had moved on,I. Want to, I thought I was changing myself. Maybe I havent. Maybe im so screwed up I’m hopeless. I don’t deserve any of what I have. I’m so selfish. I don’t how to say thank you I don’t know how to be polite. Fucking hell, I don’t even know why I don’t know how to do these simple things!
I hate making my mom feel bad and angry. I hate that I get so defensive when all people are trying to do is tell me and help me. But I. Get so defensive and have to turn everything into a fight.
Stay away from me. I’m better off on my own. It’s better I don’t let you in, because I’m just going to end up hurting you and everyone else.
And I think I can make up for being a bitch by going on here and helping others. Maybe no one should reply to this. Maybe I need to feel this pain and hatred and disappointment I give myself so I don’t make these stupid mistakes again.
I feel so ashamed and angry and hurt. I feel like just disappearing. I don’t deserve what I have if I can’t even say thank you or make anyone’s day better.

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Thank you for sharing. I can relate to you such as being a selfish person, I don’t want no one to help me, I might hurt my loved ones, pushing them away, and I live a life of regrets. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling. You still have control. I’m glad you help me. You are an important member of this community. Whatever you are going through, HeartSupport is here with you and for you. Remember, there is always someone who will listen to you. I hope you will get through this. Take good care of yourself.

I use to be this way with my stepmom. We still get flustered at each other. What I did when all we did was get defensive and argue was immediately shut up and go for a walk. It pissed her off. I was still mad. Yet I walked until I cooled down. Then I returned and most of the time we talked or she refused to talk. It is hard to do at first and you might even make her more mad. The reason I did it was I always ended up arguing with her and hated it. I wanted to assert myself with her, but she made some valid points and I would shut her down. So eventually the walking did it’s job. I started to slowly control my emotions.

On those walks I would brood on what was my stepmother’s agenda and whether she actually cared for me. I knew in her own way she did (not a healthy not hypocritical way that a Christian should be yet a desperate “you need to get yourself together” harsh motherly way. She actually does intend to be helpful). I knew as soon as she spoke it be “you’re not good enough for god” or “you need to pray more”, etc. This would piss me off and make me highly defensive. When I went for the walks I would remind myself that she is trying to help me out in her own way. She’s emphasizing to do it her way but really it was my choice. This helped calm me for the talk when I get back.

I rarely go on walks anymore. She knows I will either listen or won’t and when I don’t I explain why I decided different. I always end it with “if the way I choose doesn’t work then I’ll try it your way.” I learned patience on the walks. Now before I react I pause think about what I say and then speak in an evenly tone. MY mom and I rarily ever argue anymore.

I know this is long. Maybe it will work for you the way it did for me.

Be strong. I am cheering for you.