I am a little lost with myself. I don’t know if I have a low libido or something. I am in a serious relationship and I love him very much. I find him attractive and enjoy his company. It’s just that I don’t yearn for sex like most people. For example:
I don’t enjoy oral sex (giving or sometimes even receiving)
I don’t initiate sex
I don’t get wet
I overall feel like something is missing
I do my best to fake enjoyment and be in the moment
We had sex very much in the beginning, but in more recent years I don’t want it so much anymore (I also know it’s normal to not have sex so frequently as in the beginning). I have put up a list of possible reasons:
meds for depression or anxiety (this was years ago so unlikely affects anymore)
strattera/accord (ADD meds, quit 4 months ago)
birth control pills (switched to contraceptive patch with less hormone 6 months ago)
had undiagnosed depression for years
had undiagnosed ADD for most my life
anxiety disorder
low self-esteem for years, self hate
past mistakes regarding this relationship
pain down there (which I’m too ashamed to tell him every time)
Most of these possible reasons don’t feel likely anymore, as time have passed from my worst time periods or medications. Only things bothering me are high amount of stress and mild anxiety and de-realization. What should I do to cure myself? I have found my soulmate but he has needs that don’t match mine rn. How do I get myself to want sex more? This is an issue because I feel like something is wrong with me and our needs don’t match. I will clarify that he doesn’t shame me. He is just sad to see that I don’t want it anymore.
Hi!
I think that the problem that we have in society is that if you dont want to have sex with your partner, there is somenthing wrong with you or you dont love him or somenthing like that…And that is wrong.
There are people around the World that like to have sex and that they enyoy; but there are some people that doesnt like to have sex, maybe because they dont like it or because somenthing happened and that okay.
And relationship and sex, arent the same thing, you can have a great relationship without having sex, at least in my opinion, relationship means trust, love…not sex.
And for the list you did made near the end maybe it can be the reason for you to not want it and you dont have to be ashamed or somenthing like that. First is you and you to be happy and then the others things.
In my opinion you should talk to your parnet and tell him about what are your real thought about the sex part. Because to have trust in your relationship is essencial.
First off, it’s awesome that your partner doesn’t shame you. I experienced this difference of sex drive in my own relationship with my partner, and I know that it’s difficult sometimes not to blame ourselves because we’d like to give more and enjoy intimate moments with our soulmate. There can also be an unsaid pressure, or we can be tempted to have sex because we think that we “have to” and despite a lack of sex drive. But there’s no obligation or “I should” on this matter.
Sex drive can change over time, for so many different reasons: you’re absolutely right. You mention quite a lot of things in your post, so just a few thoughts (there’s some details/I’m using your own words, so I hope it won’t be shocking in any way - I just see that you’re okay to share about what’s going on and I think it’s really important and valuable to have no shame around this subject - but let me know if you’d prefer that I edit anything in this post):
Not yearning for sex “like most people” is absolutely okay. There’s no standard to respect, only what’s going on between you and your partner. There’s your desire to have more intimacy with your partner, which is absolutely normal and legitimate, but you can also free your mind of “others” or what’s supposedly “normal”. As long as both partners consent to have sex, there’s absolutely no rule or obligation to do something. For example: you’re aware that you don’t enjoy oral sex. Well, it’s really good to be aware of that. It’s part of what will help you and your partner to create your own intimacy, something that works for both of you. And if it can reassure you: there’s nothing wrong with not enjoying this at all. It’s something I don’t enjoy either. I have my own reasons, and that’s 100% okay.
Trying to focus on being in the moment is good, especially if you struggle with anxiety. Personally, during sex, I can be very easily detached/disconnected, so I have to make the effort to focus on the present moment. What helps me is to try to shift my focus on my physical sensations, and only this. I don’t know if you practice mindfulness in your daily life, but learning to be more connected to the present moment can be helpful to ease your anxiety in the long run - not only when being with your partner but just on a daily basis. You can train your mind a little everyday to have this kind of automatism, including during sex. And nowadays, it’s really easy to find simple exercises in books or just Internet, as mindfulness is becoming a trend.
As a women, I can only encourage you not to fake enjoyment. It’s only my opinion, but this can impact both you and your partner in a wrong way. First, because it goes against how you feel physically, which can be unpleasant and make you feel reluctant to have sex again. Secondly because it gives a wrong signal to your partner. He needs you to be guided as much as possible. You are the one experiencing what’s happening in your own body and he can only know about it if you let him understand that. It’s like communicating and trying to adjust together, by respecting the time of each one. Also, just in case: it’s okay if you need more time than your partner to have pleasure. Especially if you feel disconnected sometimes. You can set your own rules with him and still have sex in a different manner after he had an orgasm. You both have hands, or you can use toys - just random examples to say that, again, there’s no pre-established rule.
The possible reasons you mention are all legitimate. To identify if there’s an underlying reason related to your physicality, I can only encourage you to talk about it with your doctor, or gynaecologist. Maybe get a medical checkup on one hand, and discuss with your doctor about the possible effects of your medications on the other hand (current birth control pills and the possible effects of other treatments in the long run).
Again, just a thought, but did you and your partner developped a habit/routine of not having sex, or at least not often? Especially since you had these medications. Sometimes just being in a routine and doing something in a certain way can be difficult to break, or create some discomfort. It’s like re-learning to be intimate, and by extension vulnerable with someone. It can take some time to find again a level of intimacy that you both desire. If somehow you’re stuck in a routine, you can both try to be creative, to try new things - but never forcing yourself to do anything you don’t want. You’re learning to know yourself through these moments of intimacy, so it’s okay to be curious, to try things that would make you feel both more comfortable or would be likely to be more enjoyable for you.
Communication, communication, communication. A lot. Between you and your partner. It can feel a little unnatural at the beginning, like rationalizing too much something that’s supposed to be “natural”, but it’s okay to discuss about this, to express what’s okay or not, to think together about ways to make these moments pleasant for both of you. Sometimes, seeing a counselor or a sex therapist can help too. The fact that you experience pain, for example, is really important to share with him. I too experience almost each time a certain amount of pain, and the last thing that my partner want is to hurt me. I bet it’s the same for your partner. By telling him when it hurts, it shows that you trust him. And it helps him to respect your own time. Which is really important because if your experience of sex becomes associated with pain or pushing yourself out of your own limits, then it will make things worse. There’s no rush during sex. And for this pain, I’d highly recommend you to talk about it with your doctor too. Especially since being wet is a problem for you - it makes 100% sense to feel pain at some point then. A doctor can give you recommendations that could help, like using an intimate care gel for example. Again, totally okay to do that.
You don’t have to respond here to this question, just asking it for yourself: do you know if you have pleasure if you’re only on your own? The reason why I’m asking this is: I felt for a very long time that something was wrong with my sex drive. And as I had traumatic experiences related to sex, I thought it would just be normal to have zero capacity of having real pleasure. And as someone who, just like you, struggle with depression and a freaking anxiety, I realized that there was a difference between being on my own and being with my partner. It was not about him or the feelings we have for each other. My own conclusion was that I’m able to enjoy sex, but I also need to feel more in control, to guide him, to make the decisions. I didn’t want to feel empowered by him in any way, even though I trust him. And… it’s just how it is. The moment we understood that and started to discuss about it together, it just got better. With lots of trials and errors, for sure, but it’s okay if it’s a work in progress.
If you’re on therapy already, maybe try to discuss about that with a professional. When you don’t know where something comes from, you can try to approach it in a holistic way. Here, it’s like: for you as an individual, both physically and emotionally, and for you and your partner as a couple. You can definitely take some actions in these three areas: your physical well-being, your mental health, your relationship. Now, the actions depends on the circumstances and where you are in your own life.
In any case, there’s nothing wrong with you, and I hope you don’t blame yourself or pressure yourself too much for that. Take it easy, take your time, be gentle with yourself, let your partner know that you need to move on together, at the same pace, and how to create an environment that helps you both to enjoy these moments. You can learn together how to recreate this intimacy that you both want.
Thank you both for answering. I think I should start by making an appointment to a gynecology doctor. I have an unpleasant experience with someone. I (taken) was drinking with my friend (single) and she made new acquaintances in the bar. Two guys came to sleep in her apartment besides us. The other guy came to the sofa to sleep. We talked a lot. He starts touching me and insists on keep going. I remember being reluctant but not saying no loud and clear. He started to go down on me and I think to myself “I don’t want this, maybe if I get him off he’ll leave me alone”. Now that I write it down, my logic seemed kinda twisted. I start giving oral to him. My friend comes from the bedroom and asks what’s going on. We go to the bathroom and I start crying. It was years ago and to this day I have mixed feelings about that experience. Idk if this has impact too on my situation.
I am really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. The fact that what happened is still disturbing to you is - in my humble opinion - absolutely justified.
Also the fact that you didn’t say a clear and loud “no” doesn’t mean that you consented to this. It can be hard to react the way we want when we feel any kind of pressure to have sex - even unsaid pressure. Being tempted to give in because it feels easier, like a way to get people to leave you alone, is understandable. I did that too. And sometimes I have to be careful with myself not to fall into this pattern again. You don’t deserve to be stuck in this mindset.
How you feel about what happened is entirely yours. The words you’ll learn to use to qualify and describe it will be yours too. Maybe reaching out to your/a therapist about this could be restorative to you. They can help you to reflect on yourself, on how you feel, both emotionally and physically. For what it’s worth coming from a stranger, I think the fact that you bring this subject up has its own importance. It’s also positive to share about it. And I want to thank you for this. I appreciate that you took the time to explain and share your experience. Thank you. Really.
I’m looking forwards to some positive impacts for reaching out here, with your doctor(s) or even your partner. Know that you are not alone. And you always have a space here to discuss about it, whether it’s on this post or privately.
You responding to me again, it really helped. I have been feeling shitty today and idk you got me feeling better. Thank you! I think I’ll speak about that incident this fall. I am not sure if my current therapist can hear me but I’ll have a new one at november, so at least then I’ll tell it to a professional the first time.
Thank you as well for your response @porridgeprincess. I’m glad the last message cheers you up, even just a bit. Though I’m sorry you had a difficult day. I hope tomorrow’s going to be better for you.
About your therapist: friend, this is a very powerful decision. And it gives you a perspective to hold on to. A clear and precise goal to aim.
You can be proud of yourself for the steps you’re taking for your well-being. Both physical and emotional. I see it. I see you. And you’re awesome.
I do not have much to offer rather than for me my drive has been decreased by certain medications. I believe it was my lamictal because I am no longer on that and although my sex drive is not the same without medication, it’s also not completely gone. Usually off all of my medications, due to my bipolar disorder, it is way too high and often is a problem. Now with my meds adjusted, it feels like what I would think is a normal sex drive.
