Advice and answers needed.
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When I was younger, I had very similar feelings. I got around to asking myself, did I believe that yesterday? Would I still believe that a week from now? Am I so upset that everything seems awful to me, even though I realize at depth, that not everything is?
Another question is, have I felt this way before? Did the feeling pass?
Take a deep breath. Allow your thoughts to grow calm. Think of something to do that is enjoyable.
Welcome to Heart Support. Stay in touch.
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I think I’m going to hurt myself. All people want to do is force me to stay alive or force me to conform. I don’t want that. Fuck that. You can’t make people stay alive against their will. I will find a way to die. All those people who want to “help” just want to force people to stay alive also. They don’t actually care about my problems and I know that. “Help” is just code for “make you stay alive”. There’s no actual help involved. They don’t want to help me, they want to institutionalize me and lock me up so I’m no longer a problem. Well, you can’t have me. I won’t let you. That help propaganda doesn’t work on me. You can take your help and shove it up your ass. I don’t want it. I have the right to die on my own terms. What I want is for my problems to go away, but they aren’t, so death is my only option. Nobody can help. Forcing me to stay alive is pretty unhelpful actually. It does nothing. Help doesn’t do jack shit. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and energy. I’m so fucking tired of this bullshit.
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My family has done nothing but treat me and other people like shit. Fuck them.
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@Wings It’s not a feeling I have. It’s something I’ve just came to the conclusion to these past couple of years. My family have said some really horrible things that confirmed what I thought. I think I was in denial and wanted it not to be true and even tried seeing if they would change but they never did. Their love is conditional. They don’t love the real me. I realized it’s the same with other people. People don’t like the real me either. People’s platonic like is conditional as well. Sure some people like me but it’s rare. Quite honestly. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I think I’m just devastated because it’s as bad as I thought it was. It crushed any sense of optimism I had. It’s probably just different for me but thanks for trying.
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I can’t go a day without a man seeing me as a sex object. I have random strangers tell me they love me. No John, you don’t love me. You lust for me. Love is something that happens after you know someone. Lust can happen anytime. At least in my experience. I’m irritated people overuse and diminish love to the point it loses all meaning. I do not love you just because I notice you(aka notice their appearance). I love someone because of the person they are. Their character. Their values. Men are so fake I can’t take them seriously. I don’t care about superficial bullshit and lying to me makes me like you less. It’s gotten to the point were I won’t date men anymore. If someone can’t be real with me then I don’t want to be with them. It’s also dehumanizing. Sure sex is great, but I’m more than sex. I’m a person with interests. I deserve to be treated like a person. If it’s the first time I’m meeting you and you can’t bother to say hi and introduce yourself but instead go straight to “I love you” that’s fucking creepy. Don’t do that. No normal person does that.
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Hi An1,
Thank your for sharing this with us today.
I have to start off by saying that your understanding of the distinction between love and lust is so insightful. Its so important for us to know what we are looking for in future partners, and I’m sure this distinction between love and lust will undoubtedly allow you to form meaningful relationships. It’s commendable that you have a clear sense of what you want in life. Knowing ones self and being aware of personal preferences are vital aspects of navigating relationships.
I have to add that it could be beneficial for you to share your expectations and your understanding of love to potential partners to ensure that you are compatible and that you are on the same page.
Taking a break from dating men and focusing on your well-being and personal growth is a positive decision. Prioritizing self-discovery and personal development is a beautiful and empowering choice. I’m sure this will allow you to develop an even better idea of what you are looking for in partners.
I have to say that it seems like you are making mindful choices in your personal journey, and that’s something to be celebrated.
Best wishes on your continued path of self-discovery and well-being,
Salma
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Hey An1, welcome to heart support, I can see that you’ve been hurting a lot and holding in a lot of that hurt and those feelings.
I’m really glad you have found a space where you feel safe enough to share and to get all those worries and hurts off your heart.
There’s nothing harder than trying to go through hurt by yourself, and I would hate for you to feel trapped and feeling like hurting yourself or ending your life could be the only option for you.
I’d love to share some resources for you because as much as I am so appreciative that you are here and sharing, I also want you to be able to reach out to people in a more professional capacity, but do not feel pressured.
Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
As far as people being creepy and trying to exploit your body, it’s so frustrating. Of course you deserve to be treated with respect, it’s really unfortunate that some people really have poor mentality and think they are owed our bodies.
I wish there was an easy fix all way of making that right
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Hey An1,
Welcome to HeartSupport first of all, your voice is always heard here, that’s for sure.
There’s no problem with “not conforming” I’m very much a non conforming person, I’m not the type of person that will just do what others want me to do to make them happy. Self happiness and self care is what is most important. I will say this, death isn’t your only option. Your problems may not go away overnight, but they can be overcome, but it’s just a matter of the way that is going to work best for you. Whether it be self care or guidance, or speaking with a professional, there’s an option that works for everyone. It took me a couple years to finally get the right help I needed. If there are multiple problems, try and tackle the biggest one first and speak to a professional about it. They can help come up with an action plan that can help you not only with that one, but with the other ones as well. I always say life is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s just a matter of crossing that proverbial finish line.
We’re always here though for you <3
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Hey there, An1! Welcome to HeartSupport and thank you for sharing these thoughts and struggles with us 
I understand somewhat the frustration you must be feeling being propositioned frequently and I’m so sorry you live in an area where people see that behaviour as acceptable. It is great that you recognise the difference between lust and love and that love comes from a deeper connection with someone. That is wisdom that not everyone has no matter their age.
I do not have specific advice that I can provide for these things but I am so glad that you found your way here and felt comfortable sharing these things with us. HeartSupport is a great place to talk about everything no matter how intense it may seem. There are so many people here with so many perspectives you can usually find a kindred spirit amongst the posts and people here that may strike a cord in your own heart and mind. I hope that you stick around and continue to share your thoughts and journey with us. You matter and you are heard
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Hey @An1
Thanks so much for reaching out to us, it can be really hard to do when in such a state of mind. I’ve definitely been in some very hopeless states over the last year or so myself. They can be very painful, and with most mental and medical help stretched thin in the past few years trying to find ways to better our situation can be a difficult thing to navigate especially when in so much pain. You’re not alone in your frustration, believe me.
I have a difficult time forming and maintaining friendships/relationships as well. I echo the sentiment of other posters that perhaps finding a professional to help you prioritize and advocate might at least release some of the pressure so you can find a moment of peace.
Hold fast friend, you matter.
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Hi An1,
I’m happy that you are sharing your pain to Heart Support. We are here to support you. Don’t you feel alone. No one hates you. You deserved respect from others. I love how you try to stick in your own values. People have a hard time understanding love and lust when being in a friendship or relationship.
I used to be in your situation. I always try to tell myself on why should I be alive. There is one special person that loves you. The person might don’t know that you are struggling. I hope you see a professional. Sometimes it helps me talk with someone.
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I think I get it. Unconditional love was absent for me growing up. I faced a decision, follow in my family’s footsteps and love only conditionally or to cultivate my own ability to love unconditionally.
Sadly, people who only love conditionally, are pretty clueless and non-receptive to unconditional love. Their existence is much colder and more lonely, even than a person who gives but never receives unconditional love.
Having the capacity for unconditional love facilitates self acceptance and love.
No matter what people are saying, or what’s happening around you, or even your negative self-concept, you still fully deserve to experience unconditional love.
I think I mentioned that I felt as though no one liked me or wanted me around. Feeling hated didn’t occur to me because I was convinced that those around me were so self absorbed that they just ignored me. At the time, I was glad that they did. I am also more inclined to believe that the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. I’m not good at explaining it, but it seems to me that hate and anger has more in common with fear.
One thing I still don’t fully understand is why some people follow in their parent’s dysfunctional footsteps, and others decide to be quite different and follow their own path to emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion.
Regardless of how others around you are, you are free to become your own person, unencumbered by the bad examples set by your family.
I know it sounds a bit radical, but many of the examples set in my family taught me how not to be. I responded to hatefulness by learning not to hate, rejection by learning to be accepting. Witnessing self absorption motivated me to be more openhearted. My father was an alcoholic and I don’t drink. My parents were financially irresponsible. I’m the opposite.
I believe you are good person, and able to survive the hardship you’re experiencing now. You can also allow other people’s bad examples teach you how not to be.
Take that anger and use it to live.
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It is truly terrible when a family doesn’t meet our needs.
But the world is SO vast, an there are literally billions of other people on it who are NOT your family.
If your family has treated you poorly, then it is possible to go out into the world, to a different place, to a different space, where there are people who genuinely can get to know you and care about you. And if they’ve treated others poorly too then you can see that the problem lies in them, and they probably can’t or don’t know how to treat people with kindness. That’s a shortcoming of theirs, and not you.
“found family” is a thing people say for when they meet a new set of folks who fulfil the needs they have as a human being.
There are men out there who do care and value about their partners for who they are. It takes time and patience to meet them, and get to know them. But it is possible.
Know what you want in a partner. Look at your own values and beliefs and work to align those two, work on finding peace within yourself.
You’re well spoken (well, well-written lol) and it sounds like you know what you don’t want in life. Like Wings said, you have examples of what you don’t want. The world is wide and varied. Go out and explore it, don’t let the words of a few people make you think that life isn’t worth it. YOU are worth it. You’re worth finding out what makes you happy and owkring towards achieving that.