So this is going to be my first post on here, a friend recommend it to me because of alot of personal reasons. I know some of the community but this is a whole new thing to me, so I guess I’ll just explain my situation…
I’m a younger guy, in high school, and I have alot of things wrong with me from my point of view. I dont try hard enough, I dont do enough, I’m fat, im idiotic, I have multi-personality disorder, I have a while host of mental illnesses and so much more. Recently, I found someone that I truly care about and for, she made me rethink the idea that I could be loved and appreciated when everyone else had left me. She gave me the idea that there are decent people in this world and that I’m not alone. She has some similar problems to me and we try and help eachother out with them.
Recently I’ve been feeling more and more like a burden and failure to her. I’ve broken down so many times to her and admitted so many things about my life, and everytime I do I feel just shit. It’s not that she gets mad or annoyed or anything, but just the mere idea that I’m asking someone for help hurts me.
Along with this, I’ve been falling behind in school, I’m currently failing all of my advance placement classes and have lower grades in all of my other ones. I wake up everyday for school dreading the very idea of it because I dont feel a purpose anymore in it. A bit of background, I’ve always been in advanced class and passed easily through them and just skated all the way until high school, then everything went downhill. My freshmen year my friend group fell apart because of interpersonal issues. Being as they got me through alot of my life, it broke me. I took up drinking, hard. I managed to keep my grades straight but almost every night I would blackout by myself crying. My sophomore year wasnt much better, I got a couple new people to try and help me, but they all ran whenever I opened up to them and typically wouldnt come back, save for two special girls and one special guy that still support me through anything. But them staying didnt matter, I still felt useless and horrible everyday and would drink until I passed out. I kept my grades decent until the last 2 months, and then they fell.I started my junior year about 4 months ago, and it was just like the rest of the years, I hated going and would get totaled every night to try and feel anything. My grades hovered at the C range for a while until just recently, when they’ve all started to fall further. I stopped drinking myself stupid every night because of my girlfriend begging me not to, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can sleep at night without drinking, save for nightmares.
And now I come to the big idea, what’s the point of any of it? I cant help people whenever they’re feeling depressed or suicidal. I nearly drove my girlfriend to suicide over something completely asinine. I cant fix my grades. I cant fix my broken family. I cant do anything right. Every time I take my depression meds the idea of putting them all in my mouth and just going down forever is present. Any time I’m cooking I get the urge to just take a few swipes at myself. I self harm by burning myself with strong chemicals so that it’s hard for people to tell, because I dont want to explain to them I dont feel a need to exist. I just dont see a real point anymore. The only real reasons that I’m holding on are for my girlfriend and three friends, because I dont want them to suffer because of me, so I suffer for them.
This is a really ranting thing and I hate doing such, but I told someone close that I would make a post here, so I’m honoring my promise. I dont know what else there is to say, so I’ll just leave it here for now. Thanks for reading, I’ll maybe make a post focused on some issues that I feel are the most important at some later date.
P.S. sorry if the format is bad, this was typed up on my phone