I can’t sleep. I’m useless. I can’t stop crying. I’m pathetic. I’m fat, ugly, you name it. I’ve had three panic attacks. I bled so much tonight. I can’t stop shaking. I can’t remember the last time I smiled. All I’m good for is a punching bag. for my mom, kids at school, a blade. I care too much. I need something more permanent. I need happiness. I need to belong. I have no one to turn to. No one likes me. Everyone hates me. I can’t do anything right. I can make a birthday party turn into a funeral. What did I do to deserve this? What do I have to do to make it end? I need someone to be here. I need to be able to be loved by my family. I need a life more secure. It’s always about someone else, about how annoying life is because you didn’t get what you wanted, how you want to die because you got put in a class with someone you don’t like. It’s always someone else, never about the ones that need someone. No, the kid that sits in the corner, the emo one, the one that’s gonna murder someone, the one that is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, she has to die. If it’s not at home, it’s at school. I’m the one that has to suffer the consequences of others. I’m the one that has to hold up others, just to get by. I have to hold up the world just to make sure no one gets hurt. I have to take a beating at home so my brother doesn’t have to.No one is there for me at school. I have to be the one to put the pieces back together for others. I have no plans on waking up tomorrow. If I do, okay. Each day is a step towards the edge. I’m so close to it. I just wanna jump. I have no one to catch me, no one to stitch me back together. I’ve been permanently bruised. No one will ever understand what happens in my life, no one should. I really should just pop a bottle of pills, wash it down with some Jack, and continue to bleed. It’s too hard, I can’t do it anymore. I need to do it. I shouldn’t be here. I’m better off dead. I should let the walls cave in.
Hey friend. You are not useless and fat and ugly. You are sooo beautiful. You just might not be able to see it yet and that’s ok. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes is a while to see our own worth. One thing you are gonna learn along the way is self love and self reliance. Its hard bc you have to go through alot of pain and loss sometimes to find it. But its amazing when you do. Family life and school life can be so hard bc the world requires and demands so much out of us starting at such a early age. I believe in you. We all do ar heartsupport. Thank you for trusting us with what you going through and reaching out. That takes such courage. I think when ever you have panic attacks, you can practice counting your breaths. Start counting to 5 on each inhale and exhale. You can also look for things or find colors in the room you are in to trick your anxiety. Dont give up girl! You have so much to give!
Hey friend, I just want to say I love you and I’m thinking about you. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and it’s understandable why you are struggling. I hope you are finding hope and love in this community. I posted your topic on our instagram and people have been sending in support AND Shadow of Whales will be talking about this post on Instagram live at 5pm on heartsupport’s instagram. If you can’t listen live that’s okay I’ll post it here later. Hold fast.
HI friend, you are beautiful. That is the legit truth, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not.
I’m gonna put it out there that the Truth is God loves you. We here at heart support love you. We are here for you. God fully understands what you’re going through and wants to help you friend. I know that may sound pretty cliche especially over the internet but it’s true. I’m so sorry that you have to suffer for somethings that aren’t your fault. But you are strong and you are capable and whatever you can’t handle anymore, God can.
You are worthy. There is a grand divine, purpose for your life. Reach out to a counselor/therapist or trusted teacher, maybe there at school or something. Friend, you are created beautifully, i’m going to attach a declaration that women of my fave women speakers made, try saying it out loud every day. I’m also attaching a song. I hope you find rest friend. You are loved soo much. Stay strong, you’re here for a reason.
"My name is ____________, and I am a daughter of the almighty, unstoppable God. I am seen, delighted in, known, & loved. God has a unique plan for my life & is revealing His heart to me on this day. I can do anything good. I don’t have to strive to compete with others - I only have to do my best, to be myself, & to trust in the slow work of His hand. I am not defined by my failures, my mistakes, my relationship status, my accomplishments, or my work - I am defined by the song God is singing over my life - the song of who I am and who He created me to be - a woman who is vibrant, valiant, gracious, and brave. I belong to the risen God, and it is in this deep, inestimable truth where I can find true rest. Amen, Hallelujah.”
Matthew 11:28- “Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy burden, and I will give you rest.”
I’ve been there. I would like to say some of it will get better with time. I know cause it has for me. Don’t try to change who you are or what you are. What you need to do is accept who you are. Date yourself and learn more about yourself.
You have the right to feel what you feel. You have the privilege to change your perspective on yourself this is what I have done.
I use to think if I would take my own life that I would have won because in my mind all the pain, sorrow & loneliness would go away. You know why? Cause I wouldn’t exist anymore.
That is the delusion. Since I’ve not taken my life (I’ve tried 9 times) and now I’m 38 yrs. old. I realized something. 1) Living life is difficult and nothing that it is good is easy to come by. 2) What in my life has ever caused the hurting to stop and what indication has ever told me my suffering would end once I supposedly “don’t exist anymore”? Absolutely nothing. 3) Anything that is good doesn’t last last beyond an alotted time. Nothing that is good or worthwhile lasts for ever.
In my perspective. Everything that is ever worthwhile seems non chalant & is taken for granted. Anything that is deemed wholesome and useful you have to experience difficulty & agony for. Anything that exists you have to choose to accept or reject. These are the indications of this reality.
There is a reward & a consequence for everything. Something always seems to be lost when you gain something. Anything and everything follows this rule set. Nothing can get by this establishment.
The reason for this is because all energy is transfered when an action is taken. This transference establishes a conduct that rattles and ripples through our universe no matter how small it is. Every choice interacts and initiates a sequence within our universe and even if it seems it has no effect on others it pretty much involves others cause everything is connected in this web we call the universe. Even science our supposed laws reflected and established through nature itself is evidence of this.
Now I know what I’ve spoke so far has some logic to it and yet seems so vast to comprehend because what I said pretty much is pretty vague because even though I’ve put a lot of thought into it I don’t fully understand how I came to this understanding. There is still a lot I don’t know.
What I do know is this. When you brood and survive. When You make the choice to suffer all this “pain and agony”. When you make a choice when to turn you life around by accepting yourself and cutting out or manipulating the very people that reject you and cause you pain. You will find the reassurance and the ability to control how the pain you suffer bears fruit that you can bear and live with. IT is when you take action. When you decide to make the choice either you accept me as who I am or I will cut you out of my life or I will take the power given to me and make sure that when you hurt me that I won’t let it affect me as much as it has. You are given a power to fight or to avoid letting something hurt as much as it could. In otherwords, Pain and suffering most likely will still occur. The emptiness and loneliness still exist. Yet you can release & relieve some of it. You can survive. It is like getting a mortal wound that you bleed from, but it ends up healing. Sure you may get a scar and it seeps once in a while Yet it still is healed.
So no you can’t have a wound not leave a make. Yet the wound doesn’t remain. So what I’m essentially saying you can live life. Yet you can’t live it without it having to affect you the way that it does. The only thing you can do is take an action and make a choice and hope it favors you in the process. (There is no way you can expend energy hand not go through the transference process. There will always be a trade (cost).
Nothing. There is nothing wrong with you, because who you are is beautiful. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Sometimes there are people in the world with souls filled with so much empathy and kindness that they become overwhelmed when they themselves are hurting. It can be so challenging to block out the negative voices in your head that lie to you and amplify everything you’re insecure about or stressed about. It is a struggle and it does hurt, but you are not alone. Everyone in this community cares about you and is here for you. Caring about others shows how big and beautiful your heart is, but try to take care of yourself too. You matter, you’re important, you’re loved, and you are a beautiful soul. <3