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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Schism by Tool
When I first got back from Afghanistan I was very cold and silent when my wife would voice her concerns to me. I didn’t feel any compassion for her or anyone for that matter. I would wake up already angry. I denied that I had issues and thought that it was everyone else out to get me. I finally had a wake up call when I snapped and went to my moms. As I was laying there falling asleep I realized that I snapped because she asked for a hug. I cried for hours and hours. “What kind of sick, cruel person snaps over their partner wanting a hug?” I played that line over and over in my head. I drove back that night around 2 in the morning and begged her to forgive me. From then to this day I constantly check myself when I feel anger well up. She has forgiven me, but I don’t think I will ever forgive myself. I carry it with me so that I remember what I’ve done and what I can do if I don’t maintain control.
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Hey friend!
First of all, thank you so much for your service! It takes a lot of courage to face the emotional impact of war, and it’s clear you’re taking important steps towards healing. You’ve come a long way, that’s for sure. You went from feeling cold and isolated to recognizing your anger and seeking support from your mom. You’ve learned to check yourself and you actively work on controlling your anger. That’s a HUGE accomplishment.
While your wife has forgiven you, self-forgiveness can be a long and complex process. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist specializing in PTSD or war trauma. They can help you process the experience and develop tools for self-compassion.
Instead of dwelling on the past mistake, try to focus on how you can continue to grow. Open communication with your wife is key. Talk about how you’re feeling, your triggers for anger, and what she can do to help.
Another VERY good option is maybe joining a support group for veterans. Talking to others who have been through similar experiences can be incredibly validating. You served your country, and you’re now working on healing the wounds of war. That takes immense strength. Finding a way to honor your service and the sacrifices you’ve made can be part of the healing process.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks, but there will also be progress. Focus on the steps you’re taking to be a better partner and a healthier person. You’re not alone in this.
I’m not sure which branch of the military you served, but always keep this piece of the USAF with you: Aim High. Fly, fight, WIN.
Hi @HeartSupport_Fans,
Anger is pretty hard to control. I totally relate to your post. A person might express anger in order to mask emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable, such as hurt of shame. I’m super proud of able to forgive your wife after being angry. It’s awesome that you reflect your poor action. When people get angry, they wouldn’t talk or blame someone for days or weeks. You sound a wonderful person but don’t be so harsh to yourself. All you can do is learn your mistake and moved on with your life.
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@@HeartSupport Thank you for your support. I’ve come to realize that my anger (though worsened by what I saw while deployed) actually stems from my childhood. My father was a narcissist that thought that I was worthless. He openly favored my sister and emotionally/verbally abused me. Then my mom’s first boyfriend after my parents divorce. He was jealous of me because mom loved me more than him. So he hated me and whenever mom wasn’t around he would let his hatred out on me. My entire childhood summarized by one phrase would be “Not Good Enough”. These circumstances also conditioned me to tolerate abuse instead of establishing healthy boundaries. Which was very evident when I started dating. I would be mistreated and think “what did I do wrong?” The powerlessness of it all festered through the years into the volatile temper that I still have. It’s exhausting feeling blood boiling rage over the most mundane of things. I’ve vastly improved my ability to mitigate but it feels like a temporary fix. I do want to go to therapy. I want to change for the better. With the world the way it is I spend an obscene amount of time working to provide for my family. I feel like if I slow down I will break down.