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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to People=Shit by Slipknot
When I invest so much of myself into others only to be abandoned, betrayed, and lied to over and over again I simply have nothing more to give. The notion of emotional intimacy simply doesn’t exist anymore.
Gosh, yes. I feel this with you, so freaking much. There’s a point that you reach when you can’t give anything anymore because there’s just nothing left. Everything has been offered already, if not taken abruptly sometimes. You put your heart out there, you give yourself to the fullest, you love and care genuinely, then you are left alone, picking up the pieces of a broken heart. It’s the kind of situation that makes you wonder if you’re not wrong for loving in the first place, if it’s ever possible to love too much? It raises so many questions regarding what’s reasonable or not when it comes to connecting with others, and what’s necessary to preserve some level of safety when trusting others with yourself.
You describe this cycle so well - I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this. At some point there’s been such betrayal, heartbreak and disappointment that it simply feels better to not let anyone in anymore. To not try to connect at all. It’s an all-or-nothing type of reaction, just because it feels the only viable way to protect yourself from further hurt. It’s a valid and profoundly human reaction in face of heartbreak.
I’ve personally found myself stuck in this pattern over and over throughout my life. I’ve been used to be in a listening/providing position, and often realized that in the end people always leave. Not complaining - I do have people in my life I absolutely love and trust, and they’re part of a very limited “inner circle”. But beyond them, whom I count with the fingers of one hand, I’ve faced over and over the disappointment of realizing that promises are just promises, and people usually leave once they got what they needed from me. It’s hard to be in this spot as it feels like you’re the fool, the naive one, the one that wants to believe in nice things but keeps being hit by reality. While at the same time, loving in a way that doesn’t feel whole just doesn’t seem right. So what’s the right balance? Certainly a tough story to tell.
I don’t know if you’ll let anyone in again, but I hope you can be proud of yourself for the way you’ve loved others. It sounds like you have been a genuine and caring friend, and/or partner too, and there is absolutely nothing shameful in that. It sucks when love doesn’t seem to be reciprocated, when actions seem to speak louder than words, when the absence of someone feels like of your heart was removed from your chest. There is no doubt that you have yourself a good heart, and you absolutely deserve the good that you are willing to share with others. All at your own pace, while building your own sense of safety within. There are good people out there, even sometimes it’s freaking challenging to find them. When you’ve been so disappointed by people, the ones you would to let in afterwards are likely to meet much higher standards.